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Recent entries from We do not write because we want to; we write because we have to. - the blog of guilfordr
NOTE: This blog has been rated FR18 by the author. Blog content is not moderated by TtH
Can't you see what you've done to me?
Broken down, left to start on the ground.
Again through all I've gone before,
a new prospective, a new me; without you.
You thought you'd torn me apart,
and perhaps you did.
But all the kings horses and all the kings men
were able to put this girl back together again.
It's so frightening, refreshing, rejuvenating
to start over, perhaps one day with someone new.
What was the purpose in hurting me?
What did that prove?
Did you really think that I'd stay,
couldn't be without you.
As afraid as I am of being alone,
it is nothing compared to the thought.
The thought of being stuck forever.
Stuck for ever in a life of disharmony.
Stuck in a life with you.
These past two months or so have been very difficult. My supposed "guilt" has been greatly weighing on my mind; but what am I guilty of? Perhaps my guilt stems for my leaving without a word. Truly, whose fault is that? He didn't leave my key in the designated hiding spot. He answered many questions for me with that one simple action, or inaction as it were. Did he really love me or was it all just a well played game?
Staring into the pool of truth,
our true reflections did show.
Mine, the way it has always been,
but for the new truth in my eyes did glow.
Gleaming out on the open water,
beacon for love and hope.
Yours shown for you you truly are,
a deceitful scheming type of bloke.
The hurt and betrayal you've fought
so hard to portray and show,
in reality is nothing but a farce.
But I shall turn my away,
and begin again right from the start.
You think you've broken the root of me,
but you shan't ever break my heart.
I know that my posts have been rather depressing as of late, and that there hasn't been one in about a week, but I am just sick. My tonsils are swollen and touching and I feel like shot. So when I feel better, the posting will continue.
One is the loneliest number that you've ever heard. Seriously though, I enjoy being in my own company (I think I'm kinda awesome), but it'd be nice to have some girls to go out with; so I could not risk it by going out by myself. My ex isolated me from my friends and now that I'm back, they've all moved away. This really sucks.Posted via m.livejournal.com.
Desperation is am ugly word. I retract that. The word itself is not ugly; however, the meaning behind it is.Posted via m.livejournal.com.
When did everything become so hard? When did life loose it's sparkle? How come I can't be myself? What part of this life makes any sense whatsoever. Why did I do the things I did? Why can't I ever just let myself be happy. Is there such a man who would do so?Posted via m.livejournal.com.
I was so desperate for acceptance-to be loved- that I grabbed onto something - anything- and hoped that oneday fondness would eventually turn into love. It wasn't fair to you, or to myself. My accident set me so far behind... I saw people I went to high school with, getting married and starting families, and I tried to force it. My lifelong feelings of inadequacy were only exacerbated by my brain injury. I was set back soo far and I resented it, resent it, resent myself for putting me inn this situation. No matter what great feats I've done and accomplished in this life, I've never felt like it was enough. I couldn't be prevailed upon to care enough to try harder, only to get depressed and feel sorry for myself. I never should've tried to force myself to love someone. But, how could I stand up and say, "No, this isn't what I want," when I had/have no clue what it is that I do in fact want. I truly do regret that you got caught in and were hurt by the crossfire. I wish that I could say that I would change it if I could, but I cant- change it or truthfully say it; because the mistakes you make form the person you are, or will become. A mistake isn't truly a mistake unless you don't learn from it. Id like to fancy myself as a wise soul; wise souls are perpetually learning and growing- at least that's my understanding. Signing off til another day - RachelPosted via m.livejournal.com.
I feel so alone and isolated; I know I do it to myself but I just can't find it in me to care. I know when I do this that I hurt the people who love me. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I don't care enough. I'm on medicine for this, why isn't it working? I'm horrible to people; I feel as though my inaction hurts everyone worse than anything I could ever do. Again, I don't care enough to change. My hypothesis: I'm to afraid to let people see the real me - I can't let people in or I will get hurt. I sometimes wonder if I really was trying to end it all int car accident, at least subconsciously - I'm too much of a pussy to ever do something that drastic on purpose. I mean, I've had fleeting "what if" thoughts before; but that's all they are fleeting thoughts. On another note, I crushed Sklyer by leaving the way that I did; with no goodbye or anything. I loved him once upon a time, or at least I thought I did. You can't live with someone for a year and a half and feel nothing. Unless I am the uuber bitch everyone used to say I am. Am I a horrible person? I'm never going to have anyone in my life if I keep isolating myself like this
So, I'm still wanting to major in English; however, I have some bad news. I wasn't aware that I could get special assistance from the office of disabilities at my school, because I have a brain injury. Because of that, I was trying to force myself to behave and take tests like a "normal" person would; all along I could have been taking my tests in a room by myself because everything distracts me, due to my brain injury. Well, on that note, I'm already not very good at science, and I made a D+ in my Earth Science class. That caused my GPA to drop .09 below the required minimum for my scholarship. I have now lost my scholarship for good, as you can only get it back once and I initially lost it when I was in my accident two years ago. I'm hoping that the scholarship board will take some pity on me, and look at my extenuating circumstances. Now not only will I only be able to take two classes per semester because of my injury, but two classes may be all I can afford. Ah, the injustice.
I think I want to major in English again, with a concentration in writing. I'm so confused.
the truth of the mater is:
life is much harder than death; more painful.
why survive at at all,
only to hurt so much you wish you were dead?
physical pain doesn't bother me anymore,
I don't think I even feel it now.
it's the emotional drainage,
and physical exhaustion that hurts the worst.
why live, only to wonder why?
You've always misunderstood what it meant to be loved.
Forever searching, always lacking.
Error claims your words,
leaves you wishing to recant.
What is said has been said;
you can never take it back.
Live and let live, my love.
It is time for you to move on.
There are news roads that need to be travelled.
There are poor new and unknown hearts for you to crush.
But I'll love you forever,
until I call the dead earth my home.
Once we were together,
but now I am alone.
You will make you way into the world;
but I will forever be just a sad little girl.
The candleflame is much to hot
it scalds me like your eyes.
Why must you hurt me so?
The sight of your retreating form will forever be burned into my mind;
the sound of your footfalls bounce down the halls as if they were alive.
Silence swims around me as if I am the only fish left in this ocean;
possibility scalds my skin as a branding iron.
Only the road of infinity lies ahead,
swimming before me for generations.
You blow in like an ocean breeze,
comfort, love, home.
You never stay, but you never go;
constant, infinite, forever.
I always say the words, but never speak.
You somehow know what I want to say;
perfect, forever, yours.
I see your face upon my pillow.
It is but a shadow of where you once lay.
I hear the your words, all around.
All you are is an echo. Shadow.
all I am is.
Wow, okay, so I totally forgot what that last post was about.
It must have not been important. Any who, I have much bigger things to inform y'all about.
On July 13, 2008 at approx 4:15am I careened my beautiful baby, aka:Adolf, aaka: my 2000 black 323i, into a concrete embankment at approximately 80 mph. Thank God, or whatever deity you believe in, there was a car behind me that called the paramedics.
The ambulance got there within 5 minutes and applied oxygen straight away. It took them 45 minutes to extricate me from the vehicle with the jaws of life. They immediately rushed me to the best trauma center in my region and after a thorough account of my injuries had been made, I was then rushed into emergency surgery.
My injuries consisted of the following: Ruptured spleen, severed Liver, crushed Left humerus, crushed Left femur, crushed Right foot, sprained ligaments in my 3rd and 4th vertebra, and extensive damage to the axonal region in my frontal lobe.
So, in lay mans terms : Ruptured my Spleen, Split my Liver, Crushed my Upper Left Arm, Crushed my Upper Left Leg, Crushed my Right Foot, Sprained my Neck, and last but certainly not least, caused serious Brain Damage. I was in a coma for 19 days.
My doctors painted a very grim picture for my parents. Saying that IF I woke up, I'd probably be brain damaged and/or paralyzed. I am neither.
I stayed in the hospital from July 13, 2008 until August 28, 2008. That's basically a month and a half. I remember nothing from the accident, or the party I was coming home from. I don't remember much at all until the end of October, 2008. Every day I wake up I thank god for allowing me to live. I thank him for my complete restoration. I thank him for saving me, a non-believer at the time.
So, I ask everyone at this time, be you a parent or a child, make sure you tell your loved ones that you love them every chance you get. I know I look at life alot differently now.
The deconstruction of a friendship, or friendships, as it were.
When you've lived all of your life in a small, provincial town,
it is nice to realize that there are people akin to you out there.
It is refreshing to find a person who is living a dream, and making it happen for
Recently, by recently I mean a week ago, I was extremely bored.
I know, I know. "We all get bored", you say. I completely agree. But,
I promise that I am going somewhere with this. Just hang tight.
Anywho, I was bored. What does Rachel "TheGuilf"
do when she is bored? You present a good question. I google myself.
Now, I've done this in the past. However, I've never thought to google my nickname,
my 'stage name', my alias.
I came across a young lad, coincidentally across the Atlantic.
He seems to think that he is the one and only.
I despise myspace and all that it represents to the young teeny boppers of
our generation. But, due to my extreme interest and profound curiosity, I sent him a message.
This youngster, and when I say youngster I mean a year or so older than me,
is living it. He wants to be a writer, like I do. However, instead of sitting on his patoot,
he is traveling the globe, unlike I do.
I am a small town girl, raised by upper-middle class parents.
I have been privileged, but I haven't had the freedom
to go out and experience life for myself.
He is filing away information and experience so that he can write a series of short stories.
He has a passion for the same music as I do. We share the same last name.
I have to admit, our similarities are more than a bit uncanny.
But, what this all comes down to is inspiration.
Meeting him, and getting to know him, has reminded me that I can dream big.
I can accomplished the things that I yearn for, simply because I yearn for them.
I had become increasingly complacent in my current role in life. I was lacking the motivation
to achieve the ...
Let me just say, I adore Steven Colbert.
He is spot on and always hilarious.
Oh, lord, I love his show.
Don't get me wrong, the daily show is amazing.
However, nothing compares to the Colbert Report.
Haha, This guy put out a book saying that Oswald killed Kennedy.
Newsflash:Hasn't that been the general assumption since, um, ALWAYS.
I might read it.
Vincent Bugliosi, Reclaiming History.
Jesus, Colbert argues with anything and everything.
He is a brilliant man.
"Conspiracy theorists don't go with science. They go with what feels.right.to.them."
I depart, leaving you with this:
Colbert for President
Good day all!
This is my obligatory introduction post.
This journal will be primarily used for fandoms.
However, I'm sure it will often times be used for my rants and opinions.
I hope that everyone takes what I say with good humor,
as I mean no disrespect or harm with the things that I say.
I am a recent high school graduate and I find myself in need of a distraction
from the many impending decisions that I will soon have to make.
I think that I am going to major in journalism.
I am highly opinionated and very sarcastic.
I love fan fiction and hopefully I will procure the courage to create some of my own.
I offer my services as a beta to anyone and everyone.
I was the Copy Editor and Managing Editor of my school's newspaper.
The fandoms I read are:
Pirates of the Caribbean
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Pride and Prejudice
I have been a longtime lurker in the fandom world and I now find myself needing to be an active participant.
I tend to lean toward unconventional couples, as I am a bit unconventional myself.
I adore creative arts in all forms.
I love politics.
I am crazy about sci-fi.
I have a penchant for nerdiness.
I embrace all of my geek-like qualities.
I am obsessed with vampires. They're real, I swear!
I would lovelovelove to talk to people who share my obsessive fangirl interests.