Review of chapter "Chapter 2" from DeepBlueJoy
I hope you'll take this in the spirit it's intended. It's not intended to hurt, but I know it will anyway. I'm sorry. I think, however, you may find it helpful to read, if you are interested in writing future stories.
Interesting ideas. Inconsistent quality. Very confusing. How did we get from bed to Hogwarts? When did Kennedy become a deatheater? When did she become a slayer? I have to assume that:
-the big spell occurred
-that Kennedy left before the big fight and therefore somehow became evil (She goes evil over losing Willow, her girlfriend of a few days who she knew was still getting over Tara's loss?)
-that somehow she discovered the Potterverse...
-that somehow she became a death eater?
Too many assumptions. Not enough build up or believable premises.
It seems like you had a couple of ideas, and simply stuck them together.
Sorry I can't rate it well. It does have interesting ideas; bringing back Willow & interacting with the Potterverse. I would like to see them worked out and put together better, or even put into two different stories. The Sunnydale part and the HP part do not connect in any way. There are ways to do surprise changes (foreshadowing, a really good reason...), but this story does not utilize any of them.
It's clear that you hate Kennedy. Lovely. It's clear you love Tara. Beautiful.
It is, however, *insufficient* to hang an idea on feelings and call it a story.
Even though I also love Tara and am profoundly unenthusiastic about Kennedy, your premise for bringing Tara back was weak to begin with (Willow's new found control). Then you immediately invalidated it by having Willow lose control - in a way that's completely out of character for the person that Willow was in season seven (cautious, overly controlled, almost timid about magic).
Still Tara stays, and doesn't chastise Willow. No one really does chastise Willow. At this point in the story Giles, Buffy, Xander, and probably even Dawn and Spike would be willing to take her to task. Heck, FAITH could take her to task about the need for control.
Think about this:
SHE. TRIED. TO. END. THE. WORLD.
No way was she getting away with the black hair, wrecking the house, and threatening lives. Not her friends, not the PTB.
Instead you have her and Tara just hop into bed. It's just too easy...
Like Spike says:
There's always consequences. For that kind of behavior, there would be serious consequences.
Also, the attack by Kennedy is not plausible. Even *if* Kennedy were insane enough to attack the world's most powerful witch with a dagger in the house of the master slayer and her band of warriors including another slayer *and* a powerful vampire. Kennedy was still a potential at that point. Even if she was a *crazy* bitch, I don't think she was a *crazy* *suicidal* bitch. She might yell scream or slap Willow, even shove her, but she would be suicidal to try to kill her directly. Even Darla knew when to use a gun...
Even one eyed Xander might have stood a chance of taking down 'potential' Kennedy. And if someone had tried to hurt his Willow, he'd have tried.
Try re-writing it with people in character, using the strength that is consistent with who they are at the time, and making decisions as though they're dealing with people capable of killing them with ease...
***Don't let your emotions control your writing, let them flavor it lightly.***
One more thing that comes to mind: Willow hesitating about bringing back Tara. If she *knew* it was really the powers that be, she would not hesitate. If she suspected it was the First Evil (which she would at this point) she would have been discussing it with Giles if she were honest, or if she were feeling too willful, she'd have brought Tara back without telling anyone. No way would she be just hiding and thinking to herself. This is much too big. Too many consequences.
Tara's too important for her to leave alone... she'd have trouble hesitating if she thought there was any chance Tara could be alive again.
I've been widowed for nearly 14 years, and remarried. If the PTB's were to come to me and offer me a chance to have him alive again, I'd take it without hesitation. Whatever happened after that, I'd love to know he was in the world with a chance for life and happiness. If the PTB's came to me, I know exactly what I'd do... And I know I'm not alone.
Blue Boo aka Blue Widow.
Review By [DeepBlueJoy
] • Date [7 Aug 08] • Rating [4 out of 10]