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How Not To Kill Innocent, Yet, Aggravating, Girls

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Review of chapter "Chapter Five" from undead
Review:
I can see where you're going with this story. The idea of Hermione studying slayers for her school project is fascinating, and is a really good surmise for a fic. However, I think the execution of the story doesn't begin to do justice to the concept.

It's entirely dialogue-based, and really stilted dialogue at that. We know from the beginning of the story that Buffy and Willow are fighting vampires, and that Hermione is - well, there. That's it. There's no introduction, no explanation as to why Buffy and Willow are fighting those particular vampires in the first place, where they are, why Hermione is in Sunnydale, why Sunnydale isn't a smoking crater, nada. It's only incidental that we find out it's after Season 7 of Buffy, and we have no idea whereabouts in the Potterverse we are. Leaving a short and un-illuminating Author's Note does *not* count as introducing the entire story - it should just be for purposes of clarity.

Because we have no idea who the characters are (and we don't. Buffy in Season 2 is a very different person from Buffy in Season 7. And your interpretation of her character is quite different from mine, or anyone else's) it's jarring when you launch into The Plot around line 4. The dialogue is in character (just), but there's no story for it to rest on. The characters don't *do* anything, they just speak as if they were reading off a script in a rehearsal. It's very boring. And I can see Hermione asking Buffy if she's the slayer, but I can't see her in her next breath blabbering on about a school report on slayers - especially as she later chides Luna for mentioning the Wizarding World in front of 'muggles'.

I like your quirky Luna, and Hermione's irritation with her, but it's a very lonely high point. The Scoobies' interaction with each other is laboured, but apart from that it's definitely not what they'd be doing in front of possibly hostile strangers. You sort of touch on this, but "...asked Buffy signaling Willow to be prepared"? What does she do? Raise an eyebrow? Wave a hand? Catch her eye? Communicate telepathically? And how do we know that Willow knows Buffy wants her prepared? Could it be that she thinks she just has something in her eye?

A question of plotting: why on earth is Hermione writing a thesis (which was, if I remember correctly, a school project in the first chapter) on Slayers? It's been confirmed by JKR that there are no Wizarding universities, and the only subject I can think that it could be used for is Defense Against the Dark Arts. So why is she writing a thesis? Is it a part of overall training, a sort of 'counts for 30% of your grade' thing, or will she get a position as a teacher purely on an essay about obscure demon-fighting warriors? Surely she should be getting training in NEWT marking schemes, as well? Just a minor quibble.

I'm afraid that reading this story was very, very difficult. Apart from lines like ' "I'm gonna kill him," said Giles angry', it took real concentration to find out what on earth was going on. We know that they all went to Buffy's house, where there was Giles and Dawn, because, um, somebody said "let's go to Buffy's house". There was no walking, opening of doors, 'Hermione looked around the cluttered kitchen', or indeed any descriptive passages. It's all stodgy and forced dialogue. There are also a few typos, and all dialogue from British characters is very American. The constant 'I won't review till I get updates' comments are annoying, to say the least.

I've given you 3/10, because I think you really did have a very good idea to start with, and that you let yourself down with this story. Judging from it, I think you're capable of much, much better. I think you need to put a lot more thought into your stories, and perhaps get a beta reader? It could be useful to get a second, objective opinion when you're creating.

And finally, please don't take this review as a flame. 'OMIGOD DIS STORY IZ SOOOO CRAP HOW DARE U H8 HERMION SHES TE BEST!!!!' is a flame. 'I wish you would go and get hit by a bus, so we don't have to listen to this' is a flame. Constructive criticism is not. There's no way to improve as a writer without criticism, and your other reviewers seem to ignore that fact. A review is a tool to objectively appraise a story, not pander to the author's ego.
Review By [undead] • Date [27 Dec 06] • Rating [3 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter Four" from Vld
Review:
*snort* Hn! Hermione is too by-the-book. Interesting considering how she acted in the last few books. That was funny.
Review By [Vld] • Date [16 Dec 06] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from Kneazles
Review:
I must say this is kind of cute. I quite like your approach to Willow and Hermione and their butting of heads, I think if the two were to meet they would rub each other the wrong way. I hope you allow their rivalry to grow. I do have a couple of questions about the differences in magic and that there being more American slayers. First of all Willow studies with an English coven after her end the world stunt, so I would assume her magic is the same or quite similar to the Coven's type of magic, so if British magic is different from American magic, would that mean the coven was an oddity? And about there being more American slayers, if thats true then why is the original Watcher's council stationed in England? I hope you continue .
Comments from author:
Thank you for the review. I am working in the fifth chapter right now. I am hoping to make it atleast a 1000 words so it will take a little while to get it out.

I guess I should have explained more about the magic and slayer thing in my story. If I remember I will put it in my next chapter or just as a note. First yes Willow did study in England, in my story the coven is never mentioned but I guess I can go as they are a bunch of squibs who can only do Wiccan magic so that is why it is the same as Willow's. Second, I meant since America was created Slayers have came mostly from it. Even when they were doing potentials on the show there were more American than anything else. So Slayers do come from around the world just for the past couple of hundred years they have come from America. Also the reason the Council is located in England is that they were first started in England so they have their base there. It has never moved so they do not think to move, plus they think Americans are bloody idiots.
Review By [Kneazles] • Date [14 Dec 06] • Rating [7 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter Four" from Mackon
Review:
This looks like it could be fun. Its strange I allways asumed Willow and Hermione would be best of friend's if they ever met.
But I think your right they would rub each other the wrong way.
The only way this can be resolved, is with a cat fight with lots of torn cloths followed by lesbian make-up sex.
Comments from author:
Well both of them think they are so smart and are the best, so I figured they would not get along so well. Atleast for right now. Not so sure about the lesbian make-up sex.

Thanks for the review.
Review By [Mackon] • Date [14 Dec 06] • Rating [8 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter Four" from animesam
Review:
good story
I think a Xander/Luna could be good and Xander gets his eye back
Comments from author:
Thank you so much for the review. I'm not sure if I will do pairings. I suck at them.
Review By [animesam] • Date [14 Dec 06] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter Three" from Lin
Review:
This is amusing..keep going.
I like your characterazation of Luna
Comments from author:
Thanks for your review!!!
Review By [Lin] • Date [21 Nov 06] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter Two" from Dragonhulk
Review:
This is fun, I hope you add more.
Review By [Dragonhulk] • Date [19 Nov 06] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter Two" from JasonBarnett
Review:
The whole problem with English and AMerican magic being different is that America was on;y discovered a few centuries ago. So what did the rest of the world do without Slayers? Plus I think there is an American magical academy.
Comments from author:
You'll find out more in the next chapter. It'll be boring but informative.
Review By [JasonBarnett] • Date [7 Oct 06] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from zillagirl
Review:
Good start. A little short, but it has a lot of potential. Looking forward to more chapters.
Comments from author:
Sorry about it being short. Most of my chapters are short. It's always like that. I'm glad you liked it so far!
Review By [zillagirl] • Date [7 Oct 06] • Rating [6 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from YademosEbyam
Review:
A very nice start. One thing though: in the HP books, wizards and witches refer to themselves collectively as Wizarding Folk, so the proper title for their society would be the "Wizarding World." I believe this term may have actually been used in the books (although I'm not absolutely certain) and while they may consider themselves the only TRUE "magical community," if they are at all aware of non-Wizarding magic users (which Hermoine may be since she knows of the Slayer, and Luna certainly should be since it's a Quibbler sort of thing to know) they wouldn't use the term as a self-referent to outsiders. Also, it would give Buffy and her friends a clear indication they were about to encounter something new to them, and just sounds cooler as a punchline. ;)
Comments from author:
Well in this story it's gonna stay reffered to as the magical community. But thanks for the input.
Review By [YademosEbyam] • Date [7 Oct 06] • Rating [8 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from Chosenfire
Review:
Color me intrigued, cept don't color me cause that would be unpleasant and hard to wash out.

Anyways this looks promising and is it just me or are you going to be not so nice to Hermione cause she sounded extremely annoying. Whatever you so I'll keep an eye for this fic, good luck.
Comments from author:
Lol, I promise not to color you. *hides crayons*. Glad you liked it!
Review By [Chosenfire] • Date [7 Oct 06] • Rating [8 out of 10]
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