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Chaos on the Hellmouth (HP/BtVS)

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Review of chapter "A disruption of the rules" from (Current Donor)DeacBlue
Review:
I've read the preceding fics in this series, and I'll have to say that I've reached the point that I don't care to go any further with this story. What has kept me reading to this point is that I like the generic Harry Potter, and I don't mind a bit of darkness in the service of a good story, as I read approximately a half million words a week.

The main issue is this. You have removed all likability, all noble motives, anything that your reader could reasonably use to care about the character, from your Harry Potter. Then you do the exact same thing with Xander, as at this point you make it clear that it's not a melding where Xander can affect Harry, but simply a situation where Xander is simply a reference library. I'm sure you've written much more, but quite honestly, who cares? If he goes to destroy his third world (and yes, he destroyed the first earth, then at least the Minbari homeworld), it's not something that I care to read about; if he's going to change - well, I haven't seen any evidence that you're even trying to make it possible.

The whole idea of writing fiction is that your main character must have at least some likable traits, even if he's very dark, and ends up dark. Your protagonist doesn't do this - he skates in on the likability of the canon character and quickly sheds any admiration for noble motives or leftover pity for the situation that he finds himself in at the start of your story. In fact, given your obvious skill in writing him, he'd be a wonderful villain for someone's fic.

The sad part is that it didn't/doesn't have to be this way, even given your framework. Leave him some core values, something other than this absolute need to be sadistic and torture everyone that even looks like they might compete with him. Give him a reason why setting up the system is in the best interests of the people that he's nominally controlling. All you have is, "I need to keep myself safe, and the major influences in my life have screwed me, so I think that I'll control everyone for the next hundred years or so, and make things as bloody as possible."

And that, by the way, is a particularly stupid way to go about things if your goal is to not be controlled, because the system ends up controlling you, even if you end up being Super!Harry, as your character becomes.

Anyway, mechanically, it wasn't too bad, but your one major flaw eventually bled off any goodwill and made it unreadable.
Review By [(Current Donor)DeacBlue] • Date [28 Nov 10] • Rating [4 out of 10]
Review of chapter "How Deep the Hellmouth Goes" from Dragonelf
Review:
You have done an excellent job with this story.

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When one teaches, two learn.
- Robert Half
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Review By [Dragonelf] • Date [10 Oct 09] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "How Deep the Hellmouth Goes" from Grossclout
Review:
You have taken Harry even darker this time and handled it quite well. I am looking forward to the next part of this series quite eagerly. The comment on the first section of the series about 'completed' status holds true for this section as well.
Review By [Grossclout] • Date [29 Dec 07] • Rating [8 out of 10]
Review of chapter "How Deep the Hellmouth Goes" from LFW
Review:
Amused by being dimensional attack, looking forward to finding out why
Poor Giles
Review By [LFW] • Date [14 Jun 07] • Rating [8 out of 10]
Review of chapter "A Brewing Storm" from Yojo
Review:
Very entertaining chapter, esp. Kendra's fate and the Order of Teraka assassins. However, you did a big screwup on the dates: "After September 11, 2001"? And the Scoobies are still in High School, what looks like Junior year? Regardless, I loved the idea of striking at the heart like that. Nicely done.
Comments from author:
I have intentionally messed with the dates. If Buffy was shown in 2001 instead of 1996 the dates would have matched. From this perspective I hardly think I am messing with the continuity too much. Besides, there are technological and social reasons for this.
Review By [Yojo] • Date [13 May 07] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from Yojo
Review:
Bueatiful chapter, very well done. A few comments:
First of all, you really need to post Once More to the Underdogs somehow: the jump to how the heck Harry got where he did was a bit much for jumping straight into the series; it really needs that bridge.
Secondly, this chapter was huge; it had two points where it could have been broken into separate chapters easily, but wasn't. While it worked out fine, and I love long chapters, don't feel like you have to meet a word requirement per chapter. Sometimes shorter chapters are better, as they complete a train of thought. Regardless, nicely written.
Finally, great job on bridging into the Buffyverse from Harry Potter. Be careful of how you differentiate magic between the two, but so far so good.
Keep up the good work.
Comments from author:
yeah - I am butting up against the whole 50% or greater rule.

But this is a epic verse I am creating and when I get to it I'll insert another interlude like Once More to the Underdogs and then I should fall into the rule.

Thanks for the comment - glad you liked it
Review By [Yojo] • Date [13 May 07] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Angels and Snakes" from chady
Review:
I love this story, in fact I love all your stories. But I think its interesting how you did the whole harry possessing Xander during Halloween. I cannot wait for you to update again. The only problem is that in your last chapter CSE devoured the other slayer and in this chapter you have her body out in the open. you should fix that, also too you put too much time into the scenes that we don't need to read, the first part with the presidents reaction to the attack and than a duplicate just from Harry's point of view. Also the scene in the library with Buffy and Xander, the story would benefit more from moving the plot along than showing those redundant scenes, If you were writing more frequently or updated more than its okay, but since you update every other month or so maybe you can make it with more important scenes
Comments from author:
Chady,

Thanks for your feedback. I'll have to fix that error, kudos for picking it.

As to the other - I take your point but I disagree to an extent. I'll take your example from the latest chapter with Buffy and Xander in the library and explain. It all builds on characterizations and motivations so that future events have some basis on past behavior and it is a clear demonstration of how powerful Harry was in the old universe as opposed to now. I belong to the school of thought that you write good characters and the story writes itself. I will just have to attempt to update more frequently.
Review By [chady] • Date [5 May 07] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "A Brewing Storm" from (Past Donor)kruen
Review:
Great series. Cant wait for more.
Review By [(Past Donor)kruen] • Date [19 Mar 07] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Consequences of action" from wargear
Review:
Chapter 4 appears to be a repost of chapter 3. Might want to fix that.

As for the story...not bad, but it's becomming a bit repetitive.
Comments from author:
I would like to ask what you mean by "but it's becomming a bit repetitive"?

Do you mean it is similiar in plot to the A matter of perception? Do you mean that it is getting repetative within Choas on the Hell mouth?

I need a little more information to work with
Review By [wargear] • Date [5 Dec 06] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "A disruption of the rules" from (Past Donor)Jewel
Review:
Absorbing and disturbing. Well done.
Review By [(Past Donor)Jewel] • Date [27 Nov 06] • Rating [9 out of 10]
Review of chapter "A disruption of the rules" from VillageOrchid
Review:
I am having trouble following all of the narrative description. While the idea of the POV of a very dark character is interesting in the short run... I'm not seeing enough of a reason to like this Harry -- he destroyed his own world! I thought the younger story might lead somewhere -- interesing -- but not finding killing, killing and rending quite as interesting as you seem to be finding it. The mediation on the powers that be and where they are coming from was interesting -- what I understood of it -- but since I found part of it hard to understand... Well, thanks for trying anyway.
Comments from author:
:Blinks: Okay - I think that you are misunderstanding the divisions between ME -the author and Harry Potter - The Character.

Harry Potter in this story has lived in a brutal, Machiavellian and war like society for over 200 years where he has been able to trust and rely on no one but himself and CSE. Despite this he has survived and thrived - beating the odds.

That environment was bound to shape his character into the dark and mercilessly ambitious character you see before you. He is changing and you will start to see that but for now....
Review By [VillageOrchid] • Date [25 Nov 06] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "A disruption of the rules" from misagoddess
Review:
Excellent, really. This is really detailed and interesting - I can say I have only read one other story that was slightly similar but this is some much better that I don't want to compare them at all. Plus the other was not a HP crossover.

So, I love to see my two favorite universes together (BtVS and Harry Potter); but will we get more of the Scooby gang? Are they even necessary here? I was also wondering if we would get more Xander. Yes, I understand this Harry took over his body and personality for the most part; but will we get to see some of that from Xander's side? Did he fight at all or did he acquiesce to the takeover? I'd like to see a little more integration here. And why Xander? You did mention a strong magical core - I'd like to hear more about that. That seems the only reason why Harry was able to stay in Xander's body.

Other than those few questions, this story was fantastic. I'd love to read more and soon.
Review By [misagoddess] • Date [25 Nov 06] • Rating [10 out of 10]
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