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Through a Portal We Shall Go

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Review of chapter "Chapter Six" from khimeraus
Review:
You know? this could be a very funny and interesting story. Now, i don't know if you are English or not, but this remember very much "life on mars". You could make a similar thing without craps like deep coma or memory from past life.

Nice.

A.G.
Comments from author:
Naw, not English. Wish I was, just to write a story anyway. It doesn't look write when a Southerner writes an English type story....

And thanks.
Review By [khimeraus] • Date [19 Sep 07] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter Six" from Emeraldfire
Review:
So 30 not 20 years have past? I got a little confused. I love the fic nonetheless!
Comments from author:
Yeah, I need to fix that. Sorry. I forgot when I put she arrived and my dates are messed up big time. I'll fix that when I get time. Hopefully today.
Review By [Emeraldfire] • Date [19 Sep 07] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter Six" from Valandar
Review:
Interesting. But in the middle of the story you say 1976, and at the end you say 1977...
Comments from author:
Sorry bout that. I am going to go back and fix it when I get free time. I have to fix it all up actually. I plan on rewriting the entire thing. Needs it. Thanks for the review!
Review By [Valandar] • Date [19 Sep 07] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter Six" from (Past Donor)Charlotte
Review:
Interesting premise. Seems a bit awkward and forced in the dialogue but a good read regardless.
Comments from author:
Thank you. I am trying to work on my dialogue and spelling. I hope it gets better in later chapters. Thanks again ^_^
Review By [(Past Donor)Charlotte] • Date [18 Sep 07] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter Four" from KatieKat
Review:
oooo oooo I wanna know what happens next *bounce bounce* please update please I like this story very interesting
Comments from author:
Thank you =) I actually have a chapter written that I forgot to post on here O.o

I'll try to add it tomorrow. I'm going to bed now XD Gotta get up early for college.
Review By [KatieKat] • Date [15 Sep 07] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter Four" from VillageOrchid
Review:
Nice twist. Thanks for sharing.
Comments from author:
Thank you for the review!!! ^_^
Review By [VillageOrchid] • Date [21 Mar 07] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter Three" from Lin
Review:
Work on your dialog.
I don't see Albus saying "kind of" That more sounds like a phrase Dawn would use. This may seem nitpicky but really, the reader should be able to tell who is speaking by the way their words are put together without seeing a "Dawn said, Sirius said".and so on


"Kind of, we are actually in Scotland,"


"You don't have a Scottish burr," said Dawn.


"Well I am from England, " said Albus. "Now where are you from?"
Comments from author:
I know Albus would not say kind of. I do not have a beta and am looking for one to catch mistakes like that one. I wrote that chapter in a hurry.

Also about the putting who said what. I do that on some but not every one. You may not have noticed but all books do that. At first I wrote putting so and so said this, so and so said that. Now I do not because I do not have too.
Review By [Lin] • Date [1 Feb 07] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter Two" from mithrilandtj
Review:
I like it. Do more.
Comments from author:
Thanks. I am in the middle of writing a new chapter now but it will be a while until I get it finished.
Review By [mithrilandtj] • Date [17 Jan 07] • Rating [8 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from Lin
Review:
I'm slightly confused.
With the comment about the "creepy cat" i was assuming that Harry was still living there, but now with the portal taking dawn somewhere else...i'm assumiong to where the HP gang is...hmm. Maybe i'm way off base here and the HP gang is in the time and place...and dawn is just going somewhere else entirely.
Anyway..i'm waiting for the next chapters to hopefully clear up my confusion. :D
Keep writing.
Comments from author:
Lol, the second chapter should clear up some stuff. Thanks for reviewing.
Review By [Lin] • Date [30 Dec 06] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from Nightmarish
Review:
Well. I really hate that I'm doing this for your first review, but I'd like to think you want to catch your mistakes early.

The problems start with your summary. "Dawn is took" makes no grammatical sense whatsoever (or else I've been lied to by my English teachers my entire life, and please, someone tell me if I have been) The correct form, I believe, is "Dawn is taken." I suggest you fix this as soon as possible, or you'll lose a lot of readers before they even click on your story.

As far as the story itself goes, it's obviously only the first chapter, and thus, there hasn't been much time for much to happen. However...I would nix the in depth descriptions for every character we meet. Yes, descriptions are good, but telling us that Slayer A wears purple contacts, and Slayer B dyes (and it *is* dyes/dyed, not dies/died) her hair every week, and Dawn's "ocean blue eyes..." all in the very first chapter is a bit much. The dialogue itself gets lost in the list of physical descriptions and personality traits. My advice is to show, not tell. If it's important to your story that Slayer C has dimples and always wears pink tulle skirts, fine. But be *subtle* about it. By laying it all out like that, you make us readers feel very stupid (or at least, like *you* think we're very stupid, which I'm sure you don't). Take your time, and check your priorities. If Slayer C isn't going to reappear in the story after chapter three, chances are we didn't need to know about her cheeks or her wardrobe choices, however wince-worthy they may be. [Apologies to anyone who wears pink tulle skirts on a regular basis. Both because I may have just offended you, and secondly because you're wearing them in the first place.]

Don't get me wrong. Descriptions are definitely good. But perhaps instead of introducing Slayer C, and then rattling off her name, age and serial number, you could subtlety insert your descriptions throughout the fic. Ex: "Slayer C's cheeks dimpled as she tried not to laugh at Xander's truly horrific joke" or "Slayer C cursed as she spilled her drink on her skirt; chocolate was a bitch to get out of tulle."

That's about it for now. Sorry for the rant. It's late, and I'm caffeine deprived. Please don't be offended; this is all being said with your best interests in mind. Good luck with your story.

Marin
Comments from author:
No not offended, lol. I'm really grateful for your opinion and will fix it. The only reason I had so many descriptions is because my last story I was working on apparently did not have enough descriptions and I may have been a bit mad when I wrote this story. When I first wrote the chapter I had no descriptions to speak of, well yes I did but not this many. When reading back over it I guess I went a little overboard, okay a lot overboard. If I do not get it rewritten tonight I will work on it tomorrow.

Thank you so much for your advice.
Review By [Nightmarish] • Date [27 Dec 06] • Not Rated
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