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The Beast Within

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Review of chapter "Chapter One" from (Current Donor)dogbertcarroll
Pointless demonizing of characters never improves a fic. If you want to have them behave that way it's fine, but you have to do a lot of writing to justify the changes.

Finn being manipulated through the implants and drugs Walsh has fed him would cover him.

Xander being a target because Walsh wants to weaken the slayer, by removing her support staff would fit.

Willow being slowly corrupted by any number of things would cover her behavior.

Tara... hmmm. Lots of ways you could go with her to change her into someone who is attracted to Xan.

EDIT: Yeah, my first fics weren't exactly winners either. I tended to do exactly the same thing you did.
Comments from author:
Sorry but it was my first fanfic and I will admit I made mistakes.
Review By [(Current Donor)dogbertcarroll] • Date [18 Jun 08] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from Cutiepie
OK, this was entertaining, and it has potential, but I also have some problems with it. These are some plot holes that you might want to consider filling in/fixing.

First, I don't follow how you had Xander know that he had been turned into a repeat performance of Beast Boy's transformation. It was too convenient for him to just realize that out of the blue. Especially since you didn't make it clear that Beast Boy even really existed in the Buffy-verse. Likewise, you didn't do any set-up to help us (your readers) to accept that Xander wouldn't be missed. For Riley to have that kind of animosity towards Xander, there had to have been some interaction between them, and that means that Xander must have been spending time with Buffy. Therefore, Buffy would seem to be quite likely to miss Xander when he went missing. On the same line, for Tara to know about and care about Xander, she must have spent some time with him. Therefore, Xander must have been spending time with Willow. That makes two more people who would almost certainly miss him were he to disappear. You need to give us a reason to believe what you are telling us, because the facts just don't mesh with it.

Next, I don't buy that Willow would act like that. I could see her thinking that Xander had been killed and that it was useless to look for him because she believed that he was dead, but not that she wouldn't care. I also don't believe that Willow would ever physically attack Tara, since she needed Tara to keep herself psychologically balanced, and you gave no reason for me to assume things had changed. A mental attack is a different story, since we all know that she would do almost anything to keep Tara from leaving her, and I could even believe her going so far as to put Tara into an insane state (re. Glory's attack) to keep her.
Review By [Cutiepie] • Date [30 Dec 06] • Not Rated
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