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Review of chapter "Return to Antar" from littleoldme
This is such a fascinating premise, but I stopped reading about a third of the way through, because it feels rushed. I appreciate fics where the pace moves along nicely, but not if the author sacrifices realism for the sake of moving things along, and there were a lot of thing that I felt like you didn't spend enough time explaining to us. For example, Buffy knew there were two keys, and she didn't say anything until she died? Why? If she thought it was so important to protect both of then, why would she ignore Tess's existance, save for a letter to be opened in the case of her death? Also, why would the monks make the key into two humans? They made it into Dawn so that Buffy would protect it. What's the purpose of making half of it into Tess, when Buffy has no memory of Tess and no particular reason to protect her? You really needed to spend some time on this in the beginning so that it makes some form of sense with who the monks are, what their goal was, and who Buffy was as a character. If Tess wasn't someone she sought out to protect while she was alive, it makes no sense that she'd send Dawn to protect her once she was dead. It's great to be creative in a fic, but sometimes, it takes a little doing to make your audience buy something, and you really seem to gloss over most of the major issues here.

Another major issue that you don't spend ANY time making believable is Liz's betrayal. You tell us her motivation (revenge), but you don't try to engage Liz's canon character at all. If you want Liz to be a villain, that's fine, but you have to actually make Liz a villain, and this is going to be a slow and psychologically complex process. This is, in many ways, worse than what you did with Buffy, because you didn't just mess up Liz's character. You did the same to Max. When Tess first says Liz is the traitor, Max just accepts it. He says he can't believe it, but it's clear he does. This is so out of character it isn't even funny. Canon Max would turn on Tess, accuse her of trying to tarnish his precious Liz. He would become tortured over this. He wouldn't just shrug and go "Huh. Guess Liz is evil."

There really isn't a character in this fic that is in character. The dialogue is generic. The characters' actions don't make sense with their personalities. It's a great idea, and the mechanics of your writing aren't bad, but the characters fall flat, and without believable characters, the premise doesn't work for me at all.
Comments from author:
Thank you for reviewing the fic. I must be honest in telling you that I only saw a few episodes of Buffy and the one I did get to watch was The Gift. I thought that it would be interesting in making Tess into another key and the reason i thought to make Liz evil was I am a rebel(Tess/Max) so it was easier for me to write the fic. At the moment I am trying to re-write most of my Buffy Crossover fics but it is difficult. I have to read all the transcripts from the first season to the last to write it. There is one thing I do know all of them(exept one) is going to be Rebel oriented. The latter is a Indiana Jone/Buffy crossover so that one will take a little more time to write. Please bear with me in the way I write. If you want I can re-write this fic intirely. Just bear with me as to English is not my first language and I have to think before I use my grammar and spelling
Kind Regards DawnDreamer
Review By [littleoldme] • Date [7 Apr 07] • Not Rated
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