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The Kids go to Kindergarten

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Review of chapter "Willow Jackson and Elisabeth O'Neill" from RevDorothyL
Review:
I love the glimpse into family life and the effects of the SGC as seen through the eyes of little Xander, Rupert, and Willow, but I'm puzzled as to the reason why none of the children apparently started school at the beginning of the year, but were instead all introduced into an ongoing semester, as though they'd just moved into the area.

Normally, kids start Kindergarten at the beginning of the school year when they're old enough, and everyone is new together, rather than one or two kids suddenly being thrust into an existing class where everyone else is apparently already in the groove of things.
Comments from author:
good point.
thanks for the review- i'll go and do a little editing (:
Review By [RevDorothyL] • Date [27 Jul 07] • Rating [9 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Willow Jackson and Elisabeth O'Neill" from Infinix
Review:
Great work, how are they going to deal with all four of them? poor teachers are going to go out of their minds.
Comments from author:
pity the poor teachers, eh (:
the high school teachers are definitely going to have to take sick leave in the next story.
thanks for the review!
Review By [Infinix] • Date [26 May 07] • Rating [9 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Willow Jackson and Elisabeth O'Neill" from AriaDragoncrest
Review:
good
Comments from author:
thanks
Review By [AriaDragoncrest] • Date [25 May 07] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Willow Jackson and Elisabeth O'Neill" from purrfus
Review:
While its interesting to see the bits and pieces and know they are happy in their lives this 3 parter isn't a story and can't really qualify as individual yet related ficlets because the pieces are incomplete. Combined they could work as an epilogue or even a prologue for a new story, but they don't stand up on their own.
Comments from author:
thanks for the review.
i'm going to add more to the series, so eventually it will make a full story.
Review By [purrfus] • Date [25 May 07] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Willow Jackson and Elisabeth O'Neill" from Bobboky
Review:
good
Comments from author:
thanks (:
Review By [Bobboky] • Date [25 May 07] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Willow Jackson and Elisabeth O'Neill" from littleoldme
Review:
The writing in this is kind of shaky at times- your sentences have a tendency to be a little bit awkward. The grammar is somewhat spotty (ommitted commas, etc), but even when there's nothing grammatically wrong, the writing feels somewhat sloppy- like you've got so much to say that you're not taking much time to think about how you're saying it.

Take this one for example:

Xander Harris was almost five years old and very excited as he hugged his favorite stuffed bear, as he reached the bottom of the stairs he yelled, “Mommy, dad!”

Though there's nothing technically wrong with saying "was almost five years old and very excited," it's the kind of thing that a reader can stumble over- in part because being excited and being five have different durations and no actual relation to each other. There's also repetition here that makes the writing seem sloppy- you use the word "as" twice in close proximity to each other, and it's best to try to avoid doing that. Then there's the even smaller nuances- when you use the word "as" right after "excited," you build up an expectation that the "as" will reflect WHY Xander is excited, and not just when. If you were to clean up all of these things, this bit might look more like this:

Five year old Xander Harris was very excited. He hugged his favorite stuffed bear, and as he reached the bottom of the steps, he yelled, "Mommy, Dad!"

This sentence is a lot cleaner than what you wrote. But this sentence, though clean, is kind of boring, so if you wanted to, you could even take it up a notch, and go for some words that are more descriptive. Xander "reaching" the bottom of the steps is boring- that doesn't tell us anything about HOW he's moving, only that he's there. Likewise, telling us that Xander is very excited is not nearly as good as SHOWING us his excitement. So maybe try more for something like this:

Five year old Xander Harris bounded down the steps, completely unable to reign in his excess energy. Hugging his favorite teddy bear tight to his chest, he took the final steps two at a time and joyfully bellowed out, "Mommy, Dad!"

You don't need to tell us Xander is excited if his actions show it to us, and in writing, showing is almost always preferable to telling.

Okay, so that's my critical comment. I think you need to concentrate a little more on the way you phrase things and really push yourself to make it as clean and descriptive as possible. I think you can do this, because there are some real gems in here- I loved the references to Xander as a lump, and the bit about the Snoopy covers was a great touch. Reading this fic, I do get the feeling that you understand your characters really well, and that's something a lot of people struggle with. I also like the way you capture the little kidness of the kids- the little touches are fantastic.

Anyway, just some food for thought. Hope it's helpful!
Comments from author:
thanks for the constructive criticism (:
I'll definitely try harder, i always like good advice.
Review By [littleoldme] • Date [25 May 07] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Rupert Jackson" from Bobboky
Review:
good
Comments from author:
Thanks
Review By [Bobboky] • Date [18 May 07] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Rupert Jackson" from Bobboky
Review:
good
Comments from author:
thanks
Review By [Bobboky] • Date [18 May 07] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Xander O'Neill" from Infinix
Review:
Very cool. We are already seeing bits of their old personalities in the Scoobies i.e. Scooby and snoopy stuff and the fact that Xander still seems like basically the same type of person but my question is will we see bits of their supernatural lives coming out too? Like possibly seeing the staking of a Goa'uld? Or just an extra bit of wariness about being out after dark? It will be interesting to see how much you do change about them taking into account different upbringings even if Daniel/Janet are most likely to produce Giles and Willow like personalities and Jack/Sam raising a Buffy Xander.
Comments from author:
Thanks, i've already started the next chapter so it shouldn't take too long to update (:
Review By [Infinix] • Date [16 May 07] • Rating [9 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Xander O'Neill" from lyc
Review:
I can't wait to see what happens next.
Comments from author:
i've made a start on the next chapter so it shouldn't be a long wait (:
Review By [lyc] • Date [16 May 07] • Rating [7 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Xander O'Neill" from Bobboky
Review:
nice
Comments from author:
Thanks!
Review By [Bobboky] • Date [14 May 07] • Not Rated
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