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Empath Lady

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Review of chapter "Chapter One" from loyaleskamoe
Review:
Fun bit of dialog. Troi sounded like Troi, and Xander sounded like Xander. I see that some of my fellow reviewers complained, or at least commented on, the lack of description. I found that my imagination filled in the blanks quite readily.

I picture the two of them in her office during a session on the Enterprise D. Troi is wearing her wacky purple leotard, and Xander, from sometime before his unfortunate eye gouging, is sitting across from her. The conversation between the pair sounded, to me, like that of a long and trusting professional relationship.

Maybe Xander somehow got flung to the future and Troi is helping him adapt. One of the ways to do that would be to get the man's head in order. Maybe he became immortal somehow. Or he could be in another dimension. The fun part of this story is that we the readers get to create any and all backstories we want to.

Your grasp of the characters is good enough that I would like to see your take on why Xander and Troi are conversing. I get that isn't the point of writing this, but you should consider it. Or maybe make it a challenge. "Here's my dialog. Tell me why they're talking!" That sort of thing.

Of course whatever you decide doesn't change the fact that you wrote such an interesting little story.

Good job, and thanks for reading my entirely too long of a review!
Comments from author:
I'm pleased someone gets why I wrote it. I fully understand other peoples issues but I happy that someone gets that sometimes all the information isn't necessary. Reviews aside though I think I just want to leave this piece alone, it was a way of saying somethings I wanted to say and now that their said I'm done. Thanks for taking the time to read and review I really appreciate the positive feedback on this story. Also there is no such thing as a too long review. Thanks again.
Review By [loyaleskamoe] • Date [6 Dec 07] • Rating [8 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from VillageOrchid
Review:
How do you connect this? Interesting, of course; but is it an AU or a reincarnation?
Comments from author:
To me it does not matter.
Review By [VillageOrchid] • Date [31 Jul 07] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from MerleCorey
Review:
To reiterate what others have already said: There aren't any cues for the reader to pick up on. Is Xander angry? Is he being forced to do this and bored or resentful, or even utterly indifferent? Is reliving these old problems making him sad or introspective? Is he putting on a front and talking about this as if it doesn't really mean anything, or even cheerfully reciting how bad the relationship with his parents was?

Is Troi doing anything other than drawing him out? Is she being sympathetic and helpful? Is she bored out of her skull at the backwards, ignorant 20th century native and his petty problems? Is she being strictly professional and keeping a professional distance?

Are the two comfortable around each other? Professional, friendly, or closer? Are they sitting somewhere quiet? Standing in public? Lying in bed together? Playing racquetball? Sparring with bat'leths? Is he fidgeting with a napkin or a drink? Running a hand through his hair? Staring into space, either figuratively or, given the setting, literally? Are they looking at each other? Is she putting a sympathetic hand on his shoulder or giving him his personal space? Is he even real, or is he a holodeck sim she's using to practice her technique without relying on her empathic abilities?

What you have is a solid scene's worth of dialog. What you're missing is a solid scene's worth of interaction. We have no context to understand the characters and how they relate to each other.

If it was done as a concept piece, disclaim it as such - people will certainly understand if you were working to strengthen your ability to write dialog. If it wasn't, consider going back and filling in the blanks.
Comments from author:
Firstly thank you for writing a thorough and not confusing review.

Secondly, I guess I have to say that in the future my stories will have more descriptors in them because people appear to like them. Really everyone one is right there is a lack of context and emotion cues but I'm leaving it as is.

Just the dialog was hard enough to write for me but it was something I had to do, but I really don't want to try and "finish it" if you will. I will however disclaim it for what it is.

Finally, Thanks again for the helpful suggestions. I have taken them to heart and I really do appreciate the time you took in writing the review.
Review By [MerleCorey] • Date [31 Jul 07] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from Annadel
Review:
Yeah, major talking head syndrome here, and yes, it would just be pointless words if you simply stuck to "he said, she said" tags. However, putting in little bits about what the character is doing other than simply saying the words you have written out can add a lot to the story. So much of our communication is non-verbal that it does loose something if you don't show the character's gestures, facial expressions, ect.
Comments from author:
In effect you're right and I will be more descriptive in future stories. Thanks for the impute. I really do appreciate it.
Review By [Annadel] • Date [31 Jul 07] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from (Moderator)JoeHundredaire
Review:
Mmmm. Talking Head Syndrome. Gotta love it.
Comments from author:
I'm sorry I'm rather easily confused so I'm not sure if you're being sarcastic or not. In case you are I'll just give a quick explanation. I felt that it was fairly obvious who was talking and that what was being said was what was the most important aspect. I felt that adding descriptors of who said what and what they were thinking would just be adding pointless words.

Sorry if I misunderstood your meaning.

Thanks for responding.
Review By [(Moderator)JoeHundredaire] • Date [31 Jul 07] • Rating [1 out of 10]
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