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Yusuke's Girl

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Review of chapter "Chapter 15" from moonlitrose
Review:
This is a great story. You write spledidly! I would love to see where you are going to take this next!
Review By [moonlitrose] • Date [15 Jan 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter 15" from Faeri
Review:
Ch.15 was awesome! I cant wait for the next parts to come out!

I hope you're able to update soon! ^_^
Comments from author:
Thanks for that! It's slow going, but maybe in the next two weeks or so?
Review By [Faeri] • Date [23 Aug 10] • Rating [8 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter 15" from KuroDraconis
Review:
Yeah New Chapter New Chapter New Chapter!!!! This is the first time I've gotten to touch my computer all week. I'm too excited to read so I'm reviewing first. I love this fic! Ta. Must go read now.


Awww the chapter was too short. But I'm really interested to see what D'Hoffryn wants with Hiei. But currently I'm more interested in them getting to LA. So UPDATE!!
Comments from author:
Thanks! As soon as I can, okay?
Review By [KuroDraconis] • Date [8 Aug 10] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter 7" from TwoBlackDragons
Review:
“Earth Witch of Wind and Shadow? The Caller of Slayers?” Koenma mumbled to [him], as he sat crossed legged right on top of his desk.


himself
***********************

Hiei’s lips tightened in a rare show of emotion. He was frustrated with the delay. They should have confronted this woman sooner. He tore off the [bandana] on his forehead, and allowed the Jagan Eye full rein. The woman could [possible] hide her aura and scent, but not her magical signature.


bandanna
possibly
********************
His dark colored eyes narrowed as he read the note. He glanced up at the clock on the wall. It was just a little after six. “Damn.” He swore. Willow would have walked, and the closest store was just a few blocks away. The neighborhood was [dangers] at night, with the gangs and such.


dangerous
***************************

He walked back into the living room, where the barrier was strongest. He fingered the glass of the window, once more surprised when the barrier did not reject him. Guess she was trying to protect him…strange girl. His gaze narrowed on a shadow on the roof of the building across from his own. He would know that [balky] form anywhere.


bulky
**************************
Comments from author:
Thank you for all this!
Review By [TwoBlackDragons] • Date [7 Aug 10] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter 6 Hello Keiko!" from TwoBlackDragons
Review:
Kurama glanced down the street and his brow rose as he caught sight of the brown haired woman walking down the street towards Yusuke’s apartment building. He shared [a] intense look with Kuwabara.


an
**********************

There was a knock at the door, which startled Willow from her light nap. She blinked the sleep from her eyes, and then stood from the chair she had been lounging in for the last few hours. With a frown on her face, she glanced over at Yusuke asleep on the couch. A sigh of relief [past] her lips…at least he was getting the rest he needed, though she was somewhat surprised his demon side was not acting up.

**********************************

“Hum…you never did like her.” Yusuke mused with a thoughtful look on his face. He remembered all the times as kids when Keiko wanted to do something that he hadn’t, Keiko would [pushed], but Willow had been there to intervene.


push
*************************

“Well, I...” Willow tried to deny, and she blushed, so she hid her face as she began to type. She knew Yusuke, like Xander, had not cared for school. As his friend, Willow only encouraged him in his studies, but felt it hadn’t been her place to order him to learn, as Keiko had. She had liked Yusuke then as he was…He had been fun to [hand] around, and he hadn’t thought Willow weird. “…not really.”


hang
************************
Review By [TwoBlackDragons] • Date [7 Aug 10] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter 5 You're moving here?" from TwoBlackDragons
Review:
Far deep in the mist of the city, a lone Lady of Death turned down a darkened street, her footsteps silent on the pavement under her feet as she walked. In her hands, she held the letter given to her by Prince Koenma. She schooled the expression on her face to blankness as she entered one of the many [the] Sanctuaries of the ‘Powers that Be’. Ten steps and she finally [past] the threshold to their domain, bowing low in respect to the two Oracles.


the shouldn't be there.
passed
*************************

“Lower being, why have you come before Us?” The male Oracle questioned[] [with] his voice harsh with displeasure.

,
with probably shouldn't be there.
******************************

“I see…,” murmured the female Oracle once she had read the message, a thoughtful tone to her voice. “Rise Lady Death.” Botan stood, her gaze caught by the steely look on the Oracle’s faces. “The Guardian of the Deeper Well is no longer of the living world…We were aware of this. Steps have been taken to correct this error. Our Champion will prevail. You will inform [you] Lord to request the aid of the Earth Witch of Shadow and Wind, she who is the Caller of Slayers.


your
***************************

Botan had no time to protest. In the next breath, she found herself [push] out, landing on her knees in the room she had first entered and the portal to the Oracle’s Sanctuary gone.


pushed
*********************

Kurama and Kuwabara [was] just a street away from Yusuke’s apartment when Hiei dropped down onto the [payment] before them, blocking their path.


were
pavement
************************

-We must [met] this spell caster!– Yoko decided, his tail twitching with anticipation.


meet
**********************
Review By [TwoBlackDragons] • Date [7 Aug 10] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter 4 Giving a helping hand." from TwoBlackDragons
Review:
Typos in brackets.
Starting with this chapter I'll just bracket the pasts to let you know where they are.

*************************

/His apartment Fox. Now!/ He ordered, a [bit] to his words.


bite

******************

… Sorry Hiei, we’re on our way [ Kurama] assured.


Kurama is underlined as well.

**********************
Willow gave a gentle squeeze to the hand she held before she stepped [past] the threshold.

************************************

He glared back at her, but she didn’t back down. A few minutes [past], and then he gave up with a shake of his head.

***********************************

Koenma stared at the door as it closed, before pinning a glare on the spirit standing nearby. He knew the situation would only get [worst], before it ended.


worse
Review By [TwoBlackDragons] • Date [7 Aug 10] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter 3 Surprise, surprise...Yusuke's a demon?" from TwoBlackDragons
Review:
Typos in brackets.
*************************
The deity in question let out a long-suffering sigh as the doors to his office burst open. He rolled his eyes as two of his best aids (which wasn’t saying much, really…) tripped over their own feet [past] the threshold.

passed

***********************************
George fell back, landing on his behind, waving his hands before him to ward off the pissed off ruler. “No, my lord… You do not understand. It is the Guardian! He is the Spirit! The Well is….” He couldn’t continue, just knowing he had to get out of the room before it was too late. He reached out and took the arm of his partner, and then [run] out of the room, screaming in fear the whole way as he dragged the other ogre behind him.


ran

********************
Though she was no Slayer, Willow had gained most of the Slayer [memories], things such as weapons, and combat expertise, a bit of their fast healing ability.


You might use skills or abilities rather than memories.

********************************
A sigh [past] her lips…now was not the time to be worrying about such things.


passed

****************************
Willow could not believe she was finally going to see Yusuke again. Sure, they had kept in touch, without their parent’s knowledge of course, and even though sometimes, months, or even years at one point, had [past], they had kept their friendship going strong.


passed

***********************
She turned the last corner, and began to search the faces of the many people standing in the waiting area. She knew what Yusuke looked like, having [a] old picture of him in her wallet, but the sight of the dark haired, brown eyed, young, muscular man slouched down in a chair a few feet away, surprised Willow.


an

************************
He sensed someone approaching, but he ignored it. There [was] tons of people hanging around, so one little nosy brat was [not] concern of his.


no

***************************
Willow stood silently in his embrace, her eyes closed as she listened to Yusuke’s heartbeat, just breathing him in. It felt so comfortable, being held like this. He made her feel safe…A few minutes [past], and then she forced herself to pull away, and he let her, though he was reluctant to do so.


passed

***************************
Comments from author:
Thank you!
Review By [TwoBlackDragons] • Date [7 Aug 10] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter 2: Where can he be?" from TwoBlackDragons
Review:
Typos in brackets.
*************************
The long auburn haired man stepped out of his apartment, one hand raised to block the glare of the sun out of his green colored eyes. It was a beautiful afternoon, with the clouds from the rainstorm from earlier drifting away to the west. At the sight, a sigh of contentment [past] his lips, and he breathed deep of the fresh air…

passed
*****************************
“Hello Miss Botan.” He greeted the ferry girl, forcing a warm, welcoming smile on his face. It was not her fault his plans for the day were [scraped]. “What can I do for you?”


scrapped
************************************


-…hum Red, what’s wrong?- Questioned a husky voice from within Kurama’s mind. Kurama’s real name was Shuichi Minamino, and he shared his human body with the Fox Demon thief Yoko Kurama. Years before, when Yoko had been near death, he had sent his demon spirit to the Human World, and he had [fussed] his essence with that of a human embryo.


fused
*****************************************
Yusuke’s mother has [past] away, and no one knew until it was too late. The ferry girls are sick, and Spirit World …

passed
************************
Both Yoko and Kurama raised their brows at [] [snappy] reply, before [wondering] back on the situation. Yusuke would go to the one he trusted most…but if it is not one of us, then who?

the
snippy ?
*******************
Ever since Kennedy’s death, the young witch’s mood was [sober], and she had lost some of her sparkle.


Might use somber rather than sober.
Comments from author:
Thanks!
Review By [TwoBlackDragons] • Date [7 Aug 10] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter One Thinking of the past..." from TwoBlackDragons
Review:
I'm rereading this and I'll be pointing out typos by chapter. I don't do this for every story I read, I have to be in the mood to do it and of course I'll probably miss a few.

Since you're using chocking instead of choking I figure you're English so I'll leave most English spelled words alone. At least the ones I know about.


Typos I've spotted. Typos in brackets.
If I'm not sure of the correction I'll put a question mark by it.

****************************

Note: Hey everyone, I’m still working on my other stories, but my muse has me heading in another direction once again. I’ve changed a few things with the time-line of Yu Yu Hakusho…Yusuke came back from Demon World (Three years gone), but everything else has changed: Some of his family history, and such… The four Detectives are still working for Spirit World, and a few years have [past].


passed
********************

“Oh.” Her face [fall] at the request, and her brow puckered. “I do not know Yusuke…Prince Koenma might…”


fell
***********************

She paled at the news, and with her powers, knew it was true. “Oh my,” she gasped. “I’m so sorry Yusuke. A few of the ferry girls have taken ill, and the matter [was] not [been] brought to my attention. I’ll deal with it right away.


either has not been or was not brought
********************************

He stared off into the distance with unfocused eyes, his whole body humming with anticipation. Would she come? Would she [ever] care that he needed her?


even
*******************************

Cursing under his breath, he shoved the communicator back in his pocket, and reached in the other for his cell phone. Though the two of them had not seen each other in years, it didn’t mean they [had] spoken to each other.


hadn't
******************

There was a pause on the other end, then came her breathless [], “Yusuke?”


reply ?
************************

He swallowed [past] his dry throat, and licked his lips before answering in English. “Yeah Wills, it’s me…can you come…I…”


passed
**********************

BTW I used to get past and passed confused as well and occasionally still do.
Review By [TwoBlackDragons] • Date [7 Aug 10] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter 14 Settling in..." from KuroDraconis
Review:
Aww come on you need to update already. I've been waiting to see how you'll change the Never Fade Away ending and where you plan to go with this fic so update soon.
Comments from author:
Sorry, so sorry! I just got back into the game, (busy year, I tell y'a!) but I have finished half of the next chapter! I'll have it up Asap!
Review By [KuroDraconis] • Date [30 Jan 10] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter 14 Settling in..." from TwoBlackDragons
Review:
Please update!

It's passed not past also choking or choked not chocking or chocked.
Comments from author:
Thank you! I'm sorry about the wait, but will have the next post up soon.
Review By [TwoBlackDragons] • Date [10 Jan 10] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter 14 Settling in..." from darkmagician
Review:
Yeesh. Whistler. Can I pull out his ribcage and wear it for a hat? I just don't like the meddlesome little twerp. He screws everything up.
Comments from author:
Yeah, but like everyone else he has a part to play! Thanks for the review, and sorry for the wait! Next post soon!
Review By [darkmagician] • Date [14 Oct 09] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter 14 Settling in..." from Kirallie
Review:
Good chapter.
Comments from author:
Thanks! Sorry for the long wait, had a busy time, but I'll have the next part posted soon!
Review By [Kirallie] • Date [5 Feb 09] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter 4 Giving a helping hand." from lilsis
Review:
I'm not sure if you noticed, but when the link for whole story is used, everything from chapter 4 on, is in italics.
Comments from author:
Really? I hate to ask, but does anyone know how to fix that? ...and thanks for letting me know, and the rating.

...I think I fixed it! Thanks again!
Review By [lilsis] • Date [17 Jan 09] • Rating [10 out of 10]
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