Large PrintHandheldAudioRating
using
 paypal
Twisting The Hellmouth Crossing Over Awards - Results
Is your email address still valid?

The Lost Book 1: Forgotten Realms

StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from (Recent Donor)Luna
Review:
Hmm.

I enjoy stories that put a spin on 'Chosen' but this first chapter took way too much room simply plagarizing from the script (including Willow's smile as a bowl to catch her tears). You're allowed to use parts of published works but I think you used too much without making enough of your own changes. It made it so I, as the reader, could not get into it. A better way of doing it is using the dialogue but spending time describing their actions so the reader can tell you put thought into it.

Then, slightly more than halfway through, you starting writing your own work but once again you used a lot of dialogue and not as much description - which is not good since you are using so many characters (including some that I was unfamiliar with) and it gets confusing. A remedy to that confusion is providing descriptions and adjectives so the reader can get a better picture of it in their mind.

Just my advice. Do with it as you will.
Review By [(Recent Donor)Luna] • Date [14 Oct 10] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Initial Meetings Part 1" from SAK
Review:
I hope you haven't abandoned this story.

Please update again soon.
Comments from author:
No I haven't. Someone ponyed up and volunteered to beta read. Right now I'm in the middle of a major re-write. The new re-written first chapter is posted. Two, three and four should be along soon.
Review By [SAK] • Date [5 Jul 09] • Rating [9 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Initial Meetings Part 1" from Tempi
Review:
See previous review:

Well I guess that explains the HP. Allthough the rest of their stats, spells and Arana's equipment looks very 3rd ed. to me. Any particular reason for the mix of rules?
Comments from author:
Don't even own anything 3E or higher. Don't believe in them. Got everything right out of 2E PHB and DMG. Spell progression for Pal on page 28. Spell progression for Priest on page 33. The reason for the () is high Wisdom, table on page 17. Her equipment and stuff I got directly from Kudara's story Arana Book 1 posted on fanfiction.net, her story admittedly is 3E, the armor, Kite shield and sword which I modified after her encounter with Torm, Tyr and Ilmater adding the plusses and special abilities for the weapons still using PHB 2E. Or should I say DMG 2E pages 186 and 187 under Intelligent weapons.
Review By [Tempi] • Date [2 Nov 08] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Initial Meetings Part 1" from Tempi
Review:
Great story so far. I look forward to reading more.

RPG stats:
Why does Anara and Buffy have so low HP?

An average roll would be:
Buffy (30 x 5,5)+(30 x 6) = 345 HP (average), minimum is 210 HP and maximum is 480 HP
Anara (14 x 5,5)+(16 x 4,5)+(30 x 3) = 239 HP (average), minimum is 120 HP and maximum is 358 HP

Did you forget to add constitution bonuses?
Comments from author:
After 9th level fighters only get 3 hp per level and priests only get 2. No con bonuses or rolls apply after 9th level. Also I rolled their HP stats not just making them up and using 2E rules. Besides I don't really want invincible super characters, there has to be a reasonable chance of them actually getting killed or its no fun. You'll also notice the 0 level character I hope. He won't be the only one.
Review By [Tempi] • Date [2 Nov 08] • Rating [9 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Initial Meetings Part 1" from Drake
Review:
Well, I've been fascinated by this story, but there's some stuff I find very strange.
Let's begin with the character overview at the end of the chapter:
Buffy is okay, though I was a bit surprised at her high Int/Wis values, but within the believable range. I'd think of her at NG, rather than LG though. She's never been known to follow rules well. Nor would she have the hesitation you'ev correctly shown Arana to have (attacking animals).
Cordell Walker on the other hand I would expect to have far higher values. I'd say minimum is Int 15, Wis 17. He might have lost some of his physical strength, but mentally he is still fit.
Jack O'Neill has ridiculous values and levels. He's been Special Forces for decades! With those attributes and level he'd be long dead. I'd say level at least 10, perhaps as high as 15, attributes 12,17,14,11,14,16, alignment NG. The fact that he's specialized in weapons no longer usable plus his age reduce his combat importance in spite of his level. And don't forget his knee injury/problems; if he goes into melee it probably will become a problem.
I don't know much about the other character, but Chegwidden was a SEAL for many years; he should have a far higher level.

As for the story, you sometimes show events several times, using the same words, with very little actual difference (the gods, for example). Because they are so similar, it becomes hard to see the difference. Even if you show the events twice, try using different words/sentence structure. Every individual perceives things differently, try to show that.
You also cut the explanation about the gods short; while the interruption was well done, I think the topic needs to be revisited. The magical healing (poison) gives an ideal way to bring it up again, and inform the others of the relevance of gods on this world and what the three gods she follows specifically stand for.
Especially fro the Vampire hunters, this information could be useful (holy symbols, ...), and everyone could use blessed weapons (there's an undead beholder around, best be prepared for more undead!).

Overall it was a good chapter, but I can't help but think that you've introduced too many characters. And it's clear that they'll 'find' even more people. There's good reasons why most books, games, and movies only have a few core characters. I'd recommend cutting down the characters by a few. Most character (Chen, Franco, Whistler, Carter, Styles, Reynolds, Wells, Walker) have only one real scene so far and seem to disappear the rest of the time. And as more characters join, it will get worse. So think about what characters you need to tell the story, and cut the rest. If you're trying to show that no few people can do it alone, and everything is done best by teamwork, you'd want to have the characters on a bit more level playing field (Buffy and Arana are too much more powerful than the rest for that kind of story).

Finally, when they leave the room, shouldn't they leave a message there? I mean, they know that other people are around and some of their friends may wander through the room while they're away. At the least a warning not to enter the room with the beholders would be a good idea. Secrecy/rear guard is one thing, but with an unknown number of people around there who they want to be found by, leaving a clear and easy to follow trail may be a better option.

Thanks for the fun read,

D
Comments from author:
As I wrote in my A/N, I could find no beta-reader willing to proof this and I tried for months, so I had no one to tell me anything different or offer suggestions. If your volunteering that would be great.

If you would like I could send you my synopsis and fully reply to your review with my justifiactions for their attributes.
Review By [Drake] • Date [2 Nov 08] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Initial Meetings Part 1" from grd
Review:
Applause and good luck in writing this challenging fic. The range of characters alone will be a challenge. I love Buffy's counters to Jack's comments. Looking forward to reading more. Thank you for a very compelling tale!
Review By [grd] • Date [2 Nov 08] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Initial Meetings Part 1" from ArjaiH
Review:
One word only first: MORE
Next comment: I love it all. The Idea is magnificent, the characterization is darn good, though I can see that Jack is not one of your favorites (snicker!). The flow it well managed and as a beginning it is excellent. Onward!
Review By [ArjaiH] • Date [2 Nov 08] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "18W_1" from SAK
Review:
Please update again soon.
Review By [SAK] • Date [17 May 08] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "18W_1" from eatbugsmom
Review:
Loved the story so far, can't wait for more.
Review By [eatbugsmom] • Date [1 May 08] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "18W_1" from MikhailRomonov
Review:
Well, I'm not much of a gamer, excepting a few RPG's on my XBox, so I can only assume the Underdark, or something similar. So where does Xander, Giles, and sadly the only one who would know fos certain where they are now, Andrew gonna pop out? And I can also only assume that this is merely the first realm that they will have adventures in, so does that mean this story will have a truly long build-up before the real action begins? Oh, is Dawn dead forever, or is this just for the time being?
Comments from author:
Your close, but no. However, 'Under' is part of where they are just not the Underdark per say. As for the rest they'll be showing up within a couple of chapters. And this only the beginning as you no doubt know the D&D 'verse is a pretty big place. As for Dawn well lets just say no one actually checked her vitals.
Review By [MikhailRomonov] • Date [13 Apr 08] • Rating [7 out of 10]
Review of chapter "18E_1" from (Recent Donor)JanessaRavenwood
Review:
As a gamer, I can make some decent inferences as to where people are ending up - but even those are educated guesses in some cases and I'm willing to bet your readers are getting lost with you not bothering to list what worlds/settings you're crossing over with.
Comments from author:
Not to sound condescending or anything like that, but in the first chapter I was pretty blatant about where they were starting out. The big clue was Metatron and Companion speaking to 'Lord Ao', as you claim to be a gamer you should know where Lord Ao's Realm is and if not I might suggest you read The Avatar Trilogy by Richard Awlinson. That being said, however, I am not going to reveal the specific location yet as that will be made known in a couple of chapters.
Review By [(Recent Donor)JanessaRavenwood] • Date [6 Apr 08] • Rating [7 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from jupitersdaughter
Review:
Heh, I like!
Review By [jupitersdaughter] • Date [21 Mar 08] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from ophite
Review:
Promising! I look forward to more.
Review By [ophite] • Date [21 Mar 08] • Rating [5 out of 10]
StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking