Wow...this is fabulous!! Please...don't leave me hanging! You must finish it!!!
Comments from author:
I recently lost everything on my hard drive- so while it is possible I will continue, it is highly likely it will undergo a rewrite as well as a re-planning. I never really had much of a plot so to speak, aside from the initial 'wow this could be fun to write' inkling.
well.... it started promising... and I end up being really confused. just WHO is her foster father? and sexual abuse? I mean - wouldn't she contact Angel and CO BEFORE going to St Luis?? and Why did she be 'poor little raped girl' one moment and 'bratty teen who does her best to go on everyones nerves and are certain of her invulnerability' the next? I think you should go with the first and then, gradually, let her get back to her bratty (if that is what you want her to be) self. Rape is a traumatic event, and the way your story goes is just less and less likely the more I read (hence the low rating.) Rewrite the whole thing, and think through how you want her to be. You can't have her be 'scared' of Anita one moment, and then run her mouth at her the next. That is just plain unlikely. And the way she called the LA crew... Why did she not call them at first? (as I said before). I'll admit that I jumped to the 'review' part halfway through - thats how annoyed I was. I've rated poorly written stories better. (because the overall quality is better... and a little encouragement is of the good.)
The way you write leaves me a big question - are you a good author, or not? Normally that is pretty clear early on (not always) but this one... Consider how you want the characters to be, and stay that way. Change gradually (not during the course of one chapter but over several - and explained) and allow 'your' characters to develop. Then and only then can this be a good story.
Review By [junnights] • Date [1 Jan 09] • Rating [1 out of 10]
I don't know if making Edward Dawn's father was such a good idea. He's not gonna want to leave now and so much contact with him is gonna drive Anita nuts. Can't wait to see what it is about the Sumerian stuff Dawn translated and how it has anything to do with the case. Update soon please!
Review By [ecbookworm] • Date [13 Jul 08] • Not Rated
Since when is Xan a Were? He don't change at the full moon. Hyena Primal, yes. Were with silver allergy, no.
I SO saw Edward as 'Daddy' several chapters ago. The Hawiian shirt bet was a good touch though, since Death's wardrobe matches Angel's... all black.
Comments from author:
Xander as a were is one of the divergences that I put in to deal with the AB world in buffy-verse. I'll go into Xander the were soon, but lets just say he's not a lycanthrope per se- it really is a side affect of the primal possession- she left behind a couple of 'gifts' one of which is him not being tied to the full moon.
chaos
(Yeah I left hints all through about Edwards identity *g*)
Review By [mithrilandtj] • Date [23 Jun 08] • Rating [8 out of 10]
I like this story a lot. Edward as Hank is a cool idea. I don't know that I like Xander as gay though, but as it's in the Anitaverse it might be okay. Gotta say though - 'Aunty Ex' ! Brilliant!
Review By [wolfman] • Date [23 Jun 08] • Rating [9 out of 10]
Hank is Edward? Wow, I must be slow. I can't believe I never put that together before. Well, either that or I forgot about it. Great chapter though I want no knowledge of the cheese, please.
Comments from author:
LOL
Hell, my mind can't gutter enough for the cheese *eek*
Chaos. (who considers posting it up as a challenge.)
Review By [Tempe] • Date [22 Jun 08] • Rating [9 out of 10]
