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Xander - The Eternal

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Review of chapter "Chapter One" from Godogma
Review:
Your first paragraph proved the fact that this story is more along the lines of a summary than a story, sudden immense knowledge and a lack of skill on your part definitely means that this is 20,000 words I'll give a pass to - if you can't even be bothered to fix up your grammar to the extent you can't write an instead of a when necessary or correct basic punctuation I know this story would be hell to schlog through.
Review By [Godogma] • Date [29 Aug 10] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Epilogue" from Vilkath
Review:
Not a bad idea, but just to much information in to little time. The author failed to take things slow enough to give detailed scenes, instead of showing the readers what happens the author constantly just told us what happened. Over all the story read more like a summary or outline of a real fic instead of a finished product.

This really should either been a lot longer, or more focused on fewer people or actions. Just seemed like Buffy and Co. broke Xander's heart to fast, he left came back made up etc almost all at the same time. Not mention the master Kung Fu in 7 weeks or so. Kung Fu is more then a series of body movements it's a whole way of thinking and life and I really doubt Xander could of grasped that aspect in such a short time and thus not really a master in the Kung Fu masters eyes.

Pushing the Cordelia relationship, mother like role of Joyce, sister with Faith etc just to much to soon. An above average idea turned into a pretty average story because it was rushed.
Review By [Vilkath] • Date [4 Sep 09] • Rating [5 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Epilogue" from PaxDraconix
Review:
Since the only reason Angel and Crew went to Phylia was to rescue Cordelia, does that mean that Fred remained trapped there? And what of Wolfram and Hart and especially Illyria? Still, well written so far :)
Review By [PaxDraconix] • Date [7 Aug 09] • Rating [7 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Epilogue" from Obsidian
Review:
Very good story, thanks.
Review By [Obsidian] • Date [22 Jun 09] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter 4" from (Current Donor)dogbertcarroll
Review:
An EMP would fry electronics but have no effect on a human unless they had a pacemaker.

The lighting on fire scene didn't work either. Clothes aren't that flammable and lighters don't explode like that.
Review By [(Current Donor)dogbertcarroll] • Date [15 Jan 09] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter 2" from (Current Donor)dogbertcarroll
Review:
Too much tell, not enough show. Any major changes and events should merit a whole scene not simply telling the audience 'Oh, and this happened'. The scenes are why we read fics otherwise it's just a summary not a story.
Review By [(Current Donor)dogbertcarroll] • Date [15 Jan 09] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from (Current Donor)dogbertcarroll
Review:
Starts off as your typical Xander kicked out of the group and seeks revenge fic, complete with several amazing new powers and a poorly planned out setting that gave them to him.

It really needs some reworking.

I'm sure the number of good people who died completely pissed off is practically without number, so that has to go and eternal sounds rather blah. I'd have skipped calling him anything and the step by step way you laid out his powers made it about as interesting as reading a laundry list.

Have one of the vamps accidentally bleed into his mouth, but since he didn't willingly drink the blood and was a pure soul the demon couldn't enter his changed body.

Then have it so his soul is partly tainted by contact with the demon and his anger as he died. That's far more likely then having only four good hearted people die pissed off over the span of eternity.

Then have Life talk to him and send him back with the changes to his body being of perfect health, but not supernaturally so as the demon isn't in there to fuel it.

As he has been sent back to live again she leaves his body fully under his own command, allowing him perfect recall for learning languages and the ability to change his age.

Of course Xander always had weird luck, this is just placing it firmly under his own control.

You let hints and clues dribble out, not tell all the details at once.
Review By [(Current Donor)dogbertcarroll] • Date [15 Jan 09] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Epilogue" from XanderHalcyon
Review:
I love both of the stories you have posted so far. I can't wait to see what you dream up next for Xander.
Review By [XanderHalcyon] • Date [14 Jan 09] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Epilogue" from eriktheviking
Review:
A very enjoyable story, thanks.
Review By [eriktheviking] • Date [14 Jan 09] • Rating [9 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Epilogue" from CPTSkip
Review:
I mostly enjoyed your story. I thought you did a bit of bashing on Buffy, Willow, and Giles but then again, they did treat Xander like crap for a while on the show. And you seemed to indicate the PTB were messing with Buffy a bit so I accepted it. I would have like to see more rationalizations for their actions, but as they did much of the same crap in cannon I guess what you did worked out in the end.

In some stories I wish the author had an editor to cut out the extraneous stuff and keep on track with their plot. With your story I thought more would have been even better. I know it is your story, and as I said, I did enjoy reading it, but some parts just seemed rushed and more of an outline and not enough of a story. For instance, I would have loved to read more about Xander's adventures in LA and Vegas. I thought his taking out ADAM was just too fast although I did like what he did to Glory. I would also have enjoyed reading more about his relationships with Joyce, Cordy, and Faith, not to mention the later Giles, Willow and Buffy. I don't necessarily mean sexual relations with any and all of them either. Lol! For that matter, I would have loved to have seen how the various women worked out their changed relationships with each other.

I hope you do not take offense at my comments. I liked your story and the basic setup was very interesting, but I just feel it could have been a great story and not just an average one with a bit more work. I do look forward to more of your stories as you seem to be a talented story teller. Just a bit rushed. Lol!
Review By [CPTSkip] • Date [13 Jan 09] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Epilogue" from LordCorwin
Review:
Nicely done ... A very unique approach, one with worked out and was quite good. I look forward to reading your next full length story.
Review By [LordCorwin] • Date [13 Jan 09] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Epilogue" from Bobboky
Review:
interesting
Review By [Bobboky] • Date [13 Jan 09] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Epilogue" from draconis
Review:
I'm finding it hard to get behind a story where Xander is imbued with significant powers, a powerful "Whitehat", Master Caine, is willing to help train him, Cordelia (also a force for good) is instantly willing to bed him etc. when Xander is clearly set on a path of highly destructive revenge, with the potential of severe injury or death to others who did nothing more than insult him.

Now granted, being "insulted" is not a nice thing to experience, and the others may have done it in what seemed a hurtful way, but their actions were not worth vengeance of that degree or nature.

Xander's reaction in fact tends to confirm that he was very immature at that time and likely did present a danger to himself and others in those early days on the Hellmouth "battlefield".

My position would be that if I had someone so reactionary while under stress on my team, he would be a HUGE liability to the entire team. As the leader, it would be irresponsible of me to keep him active in the field. They may have excused Xander the wrong way, but they did the right thing.

I think that Xander appreciating the motorcycle's “Fuck With Me and Die” label is probably the most telling element of his psyche. It sounds more like something a gang-banger would appreciate, not someone who is a force for good.

Glad things turned out more or less all right for the world, though.


edit to add--
I think there's also a LOT of needed character info missing from the story regarding Joyce/Buffy and Joyce/Xander dynamics and history that would let the reader accept that Joyce would ever support Xander over Buffy, her own daughter...especially when Xander makes what amounts to a death threat against her daughter.
Review By [draconis] • Date [13 Jan 09] • Rating [4 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Epilogue" from Genericrandom
Review:
This could have been an awesome story, but instead it reads like a fairly interesting outline with a few scenes for flavor. The story you wrote about should have taken at least a few hundred thousand words, not twenty. Now I realize everyone has their own style of writing, and so story lengths will vary, but you've practically got nine separate stories here, more or less depending on how you want it but...

Intro, covering the beginning to the start of LA.

Master of Kung Fu. Adventures with Master Cain through the trip to Vegas.

Interlude, covering Xander's time in Vegas (perfect place for a cameo or shorter adventure) or even a time-skip to the next part.

Return to Sunnydale, Part 1, including waking up Faith and finishing up with buying a house. Best if had details like introducing ADAM somehow and needs more setup for the series of fights.

Return to Sunnydale, Part 2, with the big showdown with Buffy, ADAM and Spike. Scenes with Faith, Joyce, and after the fight, resolving issues with Buffy and Giles.

Back to LA, reunite with the AI gang and Willow. The fight, maybe scenes from the shopping trip, and the reconciliation with Willow.

Going Home, including the proposal, moving to SD for everyone, and meeting Dawn.

Glory Arc, covering events with Glory and then ending with the Wedding. Should probably include Faith rescuing the Dog and setting up scenes for a few of the other endings.

Epilogue, 10 years later.

Or something at least. What you've got is really only the very first step of what ought to be awesome, but right now is just really weak. It's hard to get excited over something that feels like it was just thrown together. Keep working at it, but put in more effort next time.
Review By [Genericrandom] • Date [13 Jan 09] • Not Rated
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