Review of chapter "Now, what have we learned, kids?" from
draconisWhile I agree with your A/N regarding an author proofing his work, etc. I STRONGLY disagree with you regarding paragraph management. This disagreement is promulgated by the increasing use of browsers, tablets, e-book readers, etc. that have drastically altered how we acquire, perceive, and comprehend the written word.
Before I proceed, I do VERY MUCH appreciate you generally keeping paragraphs relatively short compared to the incredibly ungainly paragraphs in the fanfics of far too many other authors.
I do hope however, that you will consider the following.
What may be a technically "correct" writing style can make it extremely difficult to follow when reading in a browser frame, tablet, or e-book reader. If care isn't taken by the author in managing the presentation style, one ends up with a screen COMPLETELY filled with one unending continuous stream of characters...making it VERY difficult to read and comprehend.
For online reading, run-on paragraphs are NOT desirable. For example, it is much easier to read and actually comprehend what's happening when a character's quoted statements are separated by at least one line space instead of all included in a single paragraph as you suggested. Example follows--
Here's a paragraph from your story the way you wrote it.
Buffy splashed some half-n-half in the huge mug of Espresso Pump coffee in front of her, then started dumping in sugar. “I mean, I thought I loved Riley. He's important to me, you know? And we were under the spell of that crazy old lady-ghost-thing, so I don't know how good my memories are...” She stirred the coffee and handed it to Jonathon. “But things felt really right with Faith there too. Or maybe it was just me and her, but it felt like something real. And then Xander was there, and I just panicked and ran, and I've hardly seen her since, and I miss her. But what if it was no big deal to her?” Buffy looked at Jonathon with horror in her face. “Oh, god, what if it was a really big deal, and now she thinks I hate her or something, and she's planning on going to Colorado after all?” She slumped down, burying her head in her crossed arms. “Or what if she actually wants to date me, and I have to break up with Riley? I couldn't do that to him, how could I do that to him?”
Without altering the actual text, here's the way I would write it to optimize the presentation for the online or tablet reading environment.
Buffy splashed some half-n-half in the huge mug of Espresso Pump coffee in front of her, then started dumping in sugar.
"I mean, I thought I loved Riley. He's important to me, you know? And we were under the spell of that crazy old lady-ghost-thing, so I don't know how good my memories are...”
She stirred the coffee and handed it to Jonathon.
"But things felt really right with Faith there too. Or maybe it was just me and her, but it felt like something real. And then Xander was there, and I just panicked and ran, and I've hardly seen her since, and I miss her. But what if it was no big deal to her?” Buffy looked at Jonathon with horror in her face.
"Oh, god, what if it was a really big deal, and now she thinks I hate her or something, and she's planning on going to Colorado after all?” She slumped down, burying her head in her crossed arms.
"Or what if she actually wants to date me, and I have to break up with Riley? I couldn't do that to him, how could I do that to him?”
(note that I also prefer to delineate actions/commentary/visualizations not DIRECTLY associated with a quoted line from that line by visually separating the two. For example, your
"I mean, I thought I loved Riley. He's important to me, you know? And we were under the spell of that crazy old lady-ghost-thing, so I don't know how good my memories are...” She stirred the coffee and handed it to Jonathon.
becomes
"I mean, I thought I loved Riley. He's important to me, you know? And we were under the spell of that crazy old lady-ghost-thing, so I don't know how good my memories are...”
She stirred the coffee and handed it to Jonathon.
Hawklan
