Review of chapter "Chapter Two" from littleoldme
This installment needs some pretty serious proof-reading- there were two or three errors in the first paragraph alone, such as this statement "Jim was at work, who Dawn also called dad, but not in front of people." If you even try reading it out loud, it should sound pretty funny, because the phrase "who Dawn also called Dad" would only be grammatical if it came directly after the word "Jim." As it's written, Dawn calls work "dad."
I also think you'd be better served to take a little more time with each of these fics- not necessarily time in writing, but time as it passes during the fic, actually developing the character interactions. You have a tendency to introduce the characters and then let all of the actual relationships develop off-screen when you skip between sections. For a fic that's about Dawn and Kyle meeting, we really didn't get to see the two of them interacting very much, and in the first fic in this series, we didn't get to see how Dawn's daughterly relationship with Jim evolved at all. The devil is in the details, and it just feels like they're all missing here, which leaves this series reading more like a *summary* than a story per se.
Review By [littleoldme
] • Date [16 May 10] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter Two" from Gideon
That is going to be a cute family :)
Review By [Gideon
] • Date [15 May 10] • Rating [7 out of 10]