A lot of fun in a too short tale. I hope you get back to this someday.

think i found a mistake should not be Faith? not willow




“Willow is friend I hope we were getting to know each other since Giles and Ms. Pryce were busy.”

hmm letting KARR run around? not to wise I would say :)

Great chapter. Keep up the good work.

Nice update keep up the good work thanks and bye.

You really need to add a lot of description of what is being seen by the characters. Does character X look of confusion look to character Y look like a complete blank expression. What does the places that the characters are at look like? are there pop culture pictures, are the walls beige, white, blue with yellow pock-a-dots. What kind of atmosphere is there in the school library, was it frantic with students studying for end of term exams, is the lab where the slayer is going to be getting her new weapons well used with tools sitting out in the open or was it clean with everything unusually in its place?

If you need to add a new character for what ever reason, like a lawyer for Xander's business, what dose he look like? Is he young but professional. Does he give off a just out of school, well educated but no real world experience. Is he older willing to give as much today to the firm as the day he was first hired, or is he beat feeling like going through the motions of doing the job until he can retire? Is the lawyer even male? Is the lawyer even human?

Even established characters like Buff, Willow and Xander need to have some words used to describe what they look like because most communication is done with body language. Body language takes a lot of work to be used well in written language. What you got though is a good bare bones to add flesh to. I think other reviewers had stated it before, there is just not enough meat in this piece of work, and they feel like there should be more.

You have an interesting idea, however you seem to be lacking in execution. As I read, I get the distinct feeling that this is an outline from which something much stronger will grow on the rewrite.

My first issue is that this reads as if you are telling us what happened, rather than having the reader be a part of what is occurring. Or as one of my beta reader's once told me (while liberally pummeling me about the head with a brickbat) show, don't tell.

Secondly, as another reviewer has mentioned, you need clear breaks indicating change of sceen. As when you flipped over to your three sentence flashback on Mayor Wilken's history... (three sentences to establish him as a former watcher? There's an entire story in and of itself there! Such a thing might even be worthy of its own full chapter!)

Finally, the writing is extremely choppy. It is as if you are in a hurry to get to the point in your story where your mind is currently devouring the 'story candy'. Slow down, breathe and remember, your readers can't get into your mind and see all the glorious details you're dreaming as you type this.

And yes, I have been guilty of every single one of these (and a ton more) myself! (and still am, which is why I am desperate to find a Robotech conversant beta reader ;) ) I do enjoy what you are trying to write, I just want to see you give the story the justice it deserves and also that the person with the ability to dream it up gives it the type of development that I know they are capable of.

hmm

Very nice work on the update, I hope you will add more soon.

-One suggestion; you my want to do something that shows scene changes.

I don't see the point in acting like the KARR AI is a soul worth protecting. The Terminator and the Matrix has shown us that just because you can make an AI that doesn't mean you really should.

Great to see a new chapter, keep up the awesome work. :)

Very good

Interesting mix of genres here, I look forward to seeing more. Dropping in Jax and Opie from 'Sons of Anarchy'? kinda came in from the left field, I had to google them to find out who the heck they were. It kinda confused me a little, I mean in chapter one you say "Xander was alone. He his family was gone. Killed in a car crash 3 months ago." only to contradict it with “Jax you’ve been like my big brother since I was 5yrs old. I don’t have much family left so if I can help out those who are left you can bet I will.” I'd go back and change the part about his family was gone and redo it as 'Xander was nearly alone, his parents were gone. etc'.

Here's something you may find useful, Jax has a hereditary heart defect that he has inherited from his mother.

Great chapter! I was a bit confused by the party, but I am sure things will become clear in future chapters!

I like the interaction between Xander and Faith and between Xander and Willow very interesting.
Good handling of Xander/Karr as well, that will be an interesting set of interactions.

Thanks for a great chapter!

Good story, I like the way it started and I like the interaction between Xander and Faith. I also like your handling of Willow and her worrying about loosing Xander.

Any update would be good!

interesting story, but its been a while since an update, byes