Review of chapter "Chapter Two" from teddybear
I really like the premise of the story. There are a few spelling errors, like Legimens is Legilimens and what the wizard/witch is called if they know Legilimency. I really hope that you continue writing on this story.
Review By [teddybear
] • Date [13 Sep 11] • Rating [7 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter Two" from redtree
This is an awesome start to this story, please continue.
Review By [redtree
] • Date [30 Oct 10] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter Two" from BloodyMind
Love the story. Great beginning and unique plot. I'm looking forward to more of this.
Review By [BloodyMind
] • Date [29 Sep 10] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter Two" from AriaDragoncrest
Review By [AriaDragoncrest
] • Date [14 Aug 10] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter Two" from DarkFaerieYumi
SWEET! So he learning all four years. This will be interesting. Can't wait for the next chapter.
Review By [DarkFaerieYumi
] • Date [5 Aug 10] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter Two" from Caliadragon
This story is absolutely delightful and I look forward to seeing who Alex's other father is and how he makes out with the rest of the students.
Review By [Caliadragon
] • Date [4 Aug 10] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter Two" from VillageOrchid
Glad to see more of this story.
Review By [VillageOrchid
] • Date [3 Aug 10] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter Two" from eriktheviking
A well written update and totally unexpected with the two fathers.
Review By [eriktheviking
] • Date [3 Aug 10] • Rating [8 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter Two" from narukyu
(Psst. Throw a disclaimer up on your first chapter. 'HP belongs to Rowling, Buffy to Joss, I own nothing' sort of thing.)
Yay, new Xander story! Things I liked about this: 1, Regulus love (he doesn't get enough of it), and 2, the Jessica spin (if I had a nickel for every 'Xander's Dad is abusive' story...). The inception idea is pretty awesome too, but you may want to casually throw in a few downsides and negative side effects to the process. Otherwise, why have school when you can speed things up through inception? You have to have some reason for people to still want to go to school.
You have some really interesting word choices/combos, like 'beastly growl' and 'tree trunk arms'. That's a pretty awesome skill. I fail at stuff like that. And I like the way Xander just kind of... bounces back after everything. That's my favorite kind of Xander. Plus, wow, the tension between Regulus and Snape? Hot, like burning? XD
Okay, now for the nitpicks.
Canon nitpicks: The Harvest arc in Buffy 'verse was two episodes long. Therefore, it only lasted a few days--maybe a week and a half, if you want to stretch canon. Even if Jessica doesn't leave for at least a week after Harvest, Xander still hasn't known Buffy all that long. So, someone mentioning that he ran with the slayer? Really not that big of a deal at this end of Season 1. (The other end? Definitely.) Xander has known the slayer all of a few weeks, if not less. And any peril during that time involved Xander running, desperately trying not to get eaten, accidentally staking his friend, and running some more. On that note, I might mention at this point that your portrayal of the other Buffy characters is somewhat... bashy? But since you established Xander's state of mind in the first episode as being very mopey and grief-y, I think it's justifiable. He's not going to think well on the others. Plus, Giles wasn't a very sympathetic character in the first few or so episodes... I can buy his reaction in Chapter 1, based on these things.
Misc nitpicks: You spelled Malfoy's name wrong the second time you used it in Chapter 2. In the same chapter, you meant metaphors where you wrote similes. A metaphor is like saying, "Your brother is a rat" while a simile is when you say, "You brother is like a rat." And, trust me, she's using metaphors. Also, find thesaurus dot com and bookmark it. I know you want the readers to know how 'happy' everyone is, but this story (especially the second chapter) has kinda killed the word, and its many variations, dead. Too much repetition throws the reader out of the story.
Story nitpick: The line 'the child is said to be more powerful then anything else ever seen' is a big red flag for Sue!Xander. You might be able to pull it off, but you might want to consider, instead, powering Xander down a bit. Since you're already taking away one 'flaw' (his reading problem), you should make sure he has some others. Maybe he's awkward with the wand work. Maybe he's so bad at Potions, he makes Neville Longbottom look like a Potions Master. Maybe he sucks at dueling or he has a weird habit of accidentally making things catch on fire in peaceful situations or he kills nearly every plant he touches. None of these flaws should come because of some mystical and unique plot device, they should just come because he's Xander, and Xander is sometimes made of fail. Not that he can't be a BAMF later, mind you, but you should have his skills progress to that level. They shouldn't already be there.
I can't wait to see how you continue! How the tensions resolve between Snape and Regulus, when Xander meets his second father, when Sirius and Regulus reunite, how other HP characters (including HP himself) react to Xander, and how Xander's presence changes things...! Ooh, should be fun!
Comments from author:
I'm sorry, but i know you are nitpicking, but with the main plot in mind I know what is supposed to happen with Xander's power. I'm sorry if this may sound rude, but I am quite offended. It seems as if you do not believe I have the ability to write a decent plot without help. But the thesaurs comment was out of bounds.
But on a better note thank you for the similes/metaphor problem I have always gotten those mixed up and with Malfoy's name. I'm glad you enjoy the story, and the surprises I have written in. But! If you like to nitpick! I am looking for a beta, it seems like you'd be quite sufficient!
Sorry again, if this sounds rude, well at least the first part. Yours,
Review By [narukyu
] • Date [3 Aug 10] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter Two" from silvergaurd
Love the new chapter. Can't wait to see more.
Review By [silvergaurd
] • Date [3 Aug 10] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter Two" from twlight
Wonderful. I am looking forward to how Xander reacts to learning from Snape. I am eagerly awaiting the next installment to this wonderful story
Review By [twlight
] • Date [2 Aug 10] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter Two" from kayron
So Snape IS Xander's other father! He is going to be so pissed to find out that Regulas kept him secret for so many years! Of course he did have a reasonable excuse. Voldemort would have REALLY killed Regulas, and baby Xander with him! There is also the fact that if he had stayed in the magical world, and didn't have to worry about being killed, his son mave have been expected to join the DEs like other purebloods. I wonder what Xander will think of his other father. I think that this means that Regulas is the Lord of the House of Black. What will happen with Sirius? How will this affect Harry? How will Snape feel about having a son who is a Hufflepuff?! Will he faint from the shock of it?
Review By [kayron
] • Date [2 Aug 10] • Rating [9 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter Two" from AlecMcDowell
Good update, interesting if overly convenient way to get Xander caught up. Hoping to see who Xander's other parent is soon, hoping even more that it's not Snape!
Review By [AlecMcDowell
] • Date [2 Aug 10] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter Two" from DennSedai
Hmmmm Xander as a Hufflepuff? *shrugs* Definitely different, especially making his Dad into a Black , that's definitely a unique twist...seems to be more than a little tension between Regulus and Severus....definitely waiting to see what happens next.
Review By [DennSedai
] • Date [2 Aug 10] • Not Rated