Review of chapter "Chapter One" from Bobboky
Review By [Bobboky
] • Date [25 Mar 13] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from Blackett
Makes sense. The last phrase.
Review By [Blackett
] • Date [19 Oct 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from enderverse
Late series this is by far the best God/ess for him. I like it.
Review By [enderverse
] • Date [1 Mar 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from Luna
You may want to look into getting a beta. I noticed a lot of grammar issues in such a short chapter and have edited them the way I think they should be. Of course, all are just suggestions and your story is, ultimately, yours.
"Xander what are you doing here?" ----------"Xander, what are you doing here?"
how there was a reason for Sunnydale Syndrome---- HA! I love this.
…. Syndrome but seeing the worry on his best friends mother's face, it all flew out of his head------ Syndrome, but when he saw the worry on the face of the mother of his best friend, it all flew out of his head.
He head perked up. "Tell me."---------- Her head perked up. "Tell me."
Xander led her out to the side of the house where the hose was.---------- Xander led her out to the side of the house where the hose was rolled tightly above the garden. (ending a sentence in ‘was’ or ‘to’ is bad grammar and sounds off)
A black boy a few years younger than Xander had appeared out of the mist.------- A dark-complected teenage boy wearing a pensive face appeared in the mist. (using a ‘black boy’ in this context sounds pretentious and belittling. After all, would you use a ‘white boy’? Try to use better adjectives to describe your characters)
The black boy nodded--- redundant adjectives are boring. Plus, it makes it seem (since this is Xander POV) like Xander is really focused on the color of his friend’s skin, not his smile or eyes or expression.
"I'm half-god. I am Alexander, Son of Haephestus."--- At first glance this seems like a good sentence to end the chapter but it’s too pretentious to be something that Xander would say.
Also, the title of this story makes no sense. Xander’s his kid, not Dawn. But your title makes it seem the other way around.
You may be rolling your eyes and asking why the hell am I belittling your work…but I’m not. Just trying to provide you some feedback because I like the idea behind your stories but you do have some areas that you could work on. Plus, better writing skills will equal more, funner stories about a cool crossover for me! ;)
Review By [Luna
] • Date [8 Sep 10] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from Kirallie
Neat!! Will there be more to this series?
Review By [Kirallie
] • Date [31 Aug 10] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from kayron
I like that Xander has Haphaestes as a father. He is not counted as one of the more prominent members of the Greek Pantheon, but he is strong, and he can create indible and powerful things with his forge. Xander became more self confident and more of a grown-up when he became involved in building and construction. That seems to fit in with the god of the forge.
Comments from author:
That's pretty much what I was thinking.
Review By [kayron
] • Date [9 Aug 10] • Rating [8 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from zafaran
I don't know anything about the stories that this is crossed with, but I'm always up for a good Xander's Real Family type story, so I enjoyed this very much. I hope your muse and schedule will allow you to write and post more chapters on more stories sometime soon. Keep up the good work. Zafaran email@example.com
Review By [zafaran
] • Date [9 Aug 10] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from ridert
I like it, the only thing I could possibly see to complain about is that it's too short. Overall great work.
Review By [ridert
] • Date [9 Aug 10] • Rating [9 out of 10]