Large PrintHandheldAudioRating
using
 paypal
Twisting The Hellmouth Crossing Over Awards - Results
Rules for Challenges

Consequences and Rules

StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking
Review of chapter "Consequences and Moving" from ATLenya
Review:
Man, I was really enjoying the fanfic what with a powerful Xander and Harry being the Gramps and all that but you totally lost me with that "Harry made sure that Xander was excapmacated so he gained custody of the children." ... really?... I mean... really??? tell me that's the keyboard being a moron cuz THAT just pissed me off a little. Ok, now I'll try and be constructive awright?
Let's take a step back and I'll explain a few things that bothered me m'kay?
The plot, from the glimpse I've had access to through those first three chapters seemed consistent enough, even if there is a lot of the back story that simply isn't there. Why is Angela in Sunnydale? Who's her husband? How old are the children? What do they look like? how are they like? Do they exist at all except in conjunction with Xander or Harry?
Even without going on and on about every single feature and detail, it's always good to have a little back up information about OCs, especially if they relate directly to your main characters! Ocs are a pain in the ass to control and use, which is a good reason NOT to have a whole herd of kids running around, it becomes way too tempting to just forget about them because they are so hard to write, which is why I can understand the lack of infos about them, but another alternative would have been to have only 2 or 3 OC siblings for Xander rather than the whole crew you unloaded on us. As a reader, it's a bit of hard-work, having to remember each and every one of them.
Now the main characters, from what I can see, that'd be Xander of course, and Harry Potter so far. But even with those, there's a lot that's passed under the rug. Take Xander, Sure I can get how having a different upbringing whole affect his personality and his behaviour, but still, nothing is actually said about his interactions with the Scooby Gang or with anyone. His Oath seem like a nice plot twist but a bit more information on that would not have been superficial. I understand that the story is wholly centered on Xander but the lack of characterization of the others give them a two-dimensional feeling that really gives the feeling that you care about no-one beside him.
You skip over a lot of the boy's nightly adventures, which could be explained by the fact that they didn't go any differently than the canon but it all give a feeling of superficiality to the fanfic that I don't enjoy all that much.
Now to get to the point that actually engendered this long critique, that sentence "Harry made sure that Xander was excapmacated so he gained custody of the children." or rather one word : "excapmacated"... it's really the only reproach I have about that sentence, I can understand the fact that Xander gained custody because he's the oldest present but that word.... *sigh* This might sound a bit harsh but, you really REALLY need a beta or if you have one, ask them to do a more thorough job in the future. At first I had thought that it was a word I didn't know because my understanding of English will passable is not perfect, but after a google search which resulted in only one find : your fanfic's line, I realized that no, it wasn't me, that word really didn't exist... I am still wondering how you came up with "excapmacated" from "emancipated"... my anger on that is a bit irrational and I apologize for that but really, you need someone to re-read your chapters ahead before posting because that was the blow I couldn't take. It is not the first strange spelling/word mistake I've noticed but the most noticeable as most are just a shift in letters that could occur if you write too fast...
Your plot and story have merits, don't be discouraged by a rant like this but I'm sorry to say that you need to revise your writing a lot more if you want to improve it. But don't worry too much either, this is but an outsider's opinion, you will do as you like.

PLW&IG

AT
Review By [ATLenya] • Date [15 Oct 11] • Rating [3 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Paradise,Loss and Beginnings" from (Current Donor)DeacBlue
Review:
You seem to want this to be a prologue, but you're trying to put what would usually need six or seven pages into one. I've watched the whole series and I had to double check what you were trying to say. Another thing is that you've not shown your work while putting down this back-story, including the transparent push to move them to WA. If you can't show the (far too many already) characters that you have, how are you going to deal with the ones of a whole other fandom?
Review By [(Current Donor)DeacBlue] • Date [17 Oct 10] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Paradise,Loss and Beginnings" from eriktheviking
Review:
An interesting and entertaining set-up.
Review By [eriktheviking] • Date [17 Oct 10] • Rating [8 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Paradise,Loss and Beginnings" from delphiskyestars
Review:
man u have one great stories to your name but you need to work on fleshing your others out before you publish them on the site other wise people just lose interest
Review By [delphiskyestars] • Date [16 Oct 10] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Paradise,Loss and Beginnings" from delphiskyestars
Review:
man u have one great stories to your name but you need to work on fleshing your others out before you publish them on the site other wise people just lose interest
Review By [delphiskyestars] • Date [16 Oct 10] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Paradise,Loss and Beginnings" from ReflectionsOfReality
Review:
Too quick and too complex...

There are a lot of cliches and Xander is overpowered. I am sure you are going to do something drastic to nullify this which will make the story even more complex.

I think you were too quick to have Xander make an oath (particularly if it was a binding magical one rather than a simple personal one) then again the fact that Xander was under age could have meant that the oath was not as binding unless his guardian agreed with it which if Harry did not know it then he could not have which might make a slight loop hole that can be used if needed later...

Huh considering that several of the crossover worlds have time being not quite immutable (particularly Heroes' more than the others) that could mean his original parents could be anyone from ages past to one not yet to come. One thing to consider if a person has 8 parents genetically they would seem like great grand parents... then again the fact that Xander is now a fae probably would make scientific identification a moot point, magical heritage might still be possible BUT chances are that rather than there being a family tree ritual or spell there would only be magic in place that could detect which blood lines a person carries and how direct an heir he would be to those bloodlines...

Sorry if I am overly critical.

The story has potential but I am not sure which kind as it is on the edge of being something truly epic or something that is going to collapse on its own inconsistencies or cliches,
~Reflections
Review By [ReflectionsOfReality] • Date [16 Oct 10] • Rating [5 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Paradise,Loss and Beginnings" from (Current Donor)JanessaRavenwood
Review:
Is this supposed to be a parody, or did it just end up as one?
Review By [(Current Donor)JanessaRavenwood] • Date [16 Oct 10] • Not Rated
StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking