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A Scooby in Egypt

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Review of chapter "Chapter One" from (Recent Donor)Luna
Review:
I beta’d the first part of your chapter:
--

Xander walked into the Council headquarters, exhausted from a recent red-eye from Cairo, and called out, “Honey I’m home…” He barely dropped his bags before he was buried under the bodies of the young slayers that he had found during his search of Africa.

“Xan—" greeted Madaha, a bright-eyed twelve-year old.

"Train with me!" Ebenita platinively asked as she tugged on his dress shirt.

"NO, play with me,” Sabra stubbornly demanded.

"But, I wanted to play with Xan,” whined A’sharia’.

The girls many voices cried out into the early morning air as they all tried to hug the life out of their beloved Watcher.

“Girls, give Xander some room. I’m sure that he will have some time to train and play with all of you once he has settled in and given a report. Now you all go back up to bed for an hour or so and then you can come down for breakfast and talk to him. Alright?” Giles intervened; shaking his head fondly at the sight of his adopted son and ‘his’ girls’ identical pouts. “Now ladies, off you go or you will train all day everyday for the next week.” Each girl made sure to make a loud noise of disagreement, but they all obeyed the Head of the Watcher’s Council.

“Xander if you will follow me.”

“Sure G-man.” Xander says, picking himself up and ruffling the heads of the youngest slayers, Kira and A’sharia’, who were both six, as he followed Giles.

“Must you call me that insufferable name?”

“At least once more as always G-man,” Xander replied, picking up his bags and following Giles back up the stairs into the main office. Placing them on the table he quickly glanced through them to find the one he wanted with the rest getting re-zipped and shoved off the table unceremoniously.

---
My comments:

http://www.babynology.com/african-girlnames-s0.html was my source for the names. Crystal is not African, not unless she was the paler descendent of one of the colonists and even that sounds weird.

New topic, new paragraph – even if it’s the same person speaking.

If a new person speaks, *definitely* a new paragraph.

Remember proper punctuation -- “Must you call me that insufferable name?” ends with a question mark, not a period.

Remember proper punctuation for speaking. “How are you?” Xander asked –or- “My flight was crap,” Xander complained. Note the punctuation changes.

Do not use general overused descriptions like ‘one-eyed carpenter’ ‘white knight’ so quickly. It shows lack of imagination and you can do better.

You tense (present) is odd and usually doesn’t work with a story format. I changed it to past tense because that sounds better and is more proper.

Finally—“girls that he had rescued from the African wild.” -- ?? This sounds incredibly racist. Africa is a *vast* continent and unlike the population mindset, there is more than wild animals and mud huts. It is possible that some girls would come from small villages but other girls would come from cities. That’s why I changed your wording during my editing.

I know you were advertising for a beta and I thought I would help out, but I don’t have time to do the rest. Rather, I hope you can learn from my comments and take it upon yourself to proof your current chapters and fix them. Betas are good to have but with some effort you can get the kinks out yourself.

Happy writing!
Luna
Comments from author:
I'm working on adding your edit into what I already have written and getting the six pages I already have typed up unfortunately RL is seriously getting in the way. I'm working twelve hr days three or four days a week.
Review By [(Recent Donor)Luna] • Date [11 Nov 10] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter 3" from DarkFaerieYumi
Review:
AH! No fair! You got my hopes up! *goes off to sulk*
Comments from author:
sorry work and my stupid computer have got me frustrated. hope to get the next chapter up tonight.
Review By [DarkFaerieYumi] • Date [1 Nov 10] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter 3" from Genuka
Review:
*gives author evil cat eye* Youse evil for keeping us waiting and telling us that you have more basically ready! More please!
Comments from author:
Rls a bitch and a half my computers been down for almost a yr and I can't write on my phone. It's workin now so I hope to get the edits I need done and the next bit types on my days off
Review By [Genuka] • Date [31 Oct 10] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "chapter two" from DarkFaerieYumi
Review:
I like this. keep it up.
Comments from author:
I've got almost 6 pages written and will get it typed and posted once i get some sleep had to work a double last night. didn't help that i was on the floor by myself from 11 to 615. Just got off 10 minutes ago so look for the next chapter around 2 to 3 today.

hugs and best wishes

Winterhart
Review By [DarkFaerieYumi] • Date [26 Oct 10] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from michaelangelo
Review:
I didn't read the story YET, reason being I don't want to start reading it for it to turn into slash. If your unsure if it's going to be slash, just mark it up as slash anyway, that way people wont start abusing you if you decide to do that.

Hopefully a helpful tip there :).
Comments from author:
im going to leave it with just giles and ethan and that will be off screen.
Review By [michaelangelo] • Date [25 Oct 10] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "chapter two" from Genuka
Review:
Evil author! More please! This is clearly going to be a great fic!
Review By [Genuka] • Date [24 Oct 10] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from froggy
Review:
really good update soon
Comments from author:
it's up just for you.
Review By [froggy] • Date [23 Oct 10] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from xon
Review:
Have this whole thing proofread before you post it, is that so hard to do?
Comments from author:
mm mm flames... and i needed something to cook my brats and s'mores over. Thanks hun.
Review By [xon] • Date [23 Oct 10] • Rating [5 out of 10]
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