Eddie is being described like a saner version of olaf...seems blake 1 and 2 attract their own human hunters. Did she have to throw that comment at the end like that to a man who is considered sooo deadly in that world? Would like to see more action not necessary sexy time with damien.
At least fix this one? It almost made me snort my drink. "Pulling the specula out of Nathaniel’s hand he gave it a casual toss[...]" So. Specula is plural of speculum. which is defined as (among other potential definitions) "An instrument for dilating the opening of a body cavity for medical examination." Which was ... um, sort of hilarious in context, actually, given that body cavities may need opening in the near future, but I think they'll probably work it out without tools, and even if they need one, I hope they're not cooking bacon with it first. You want spatula.
Review By [dreamfall] • Date [11 Oct 11] • Not Rated
“As much as we like to see you enjoying yourself Anita, would you like to explain how he came to be?”
I totally wanted Xander to speak up with "Well, when my mommy and my daddy loved each other _very_ much--or, you know, got drunk and forgot protection--" before Anita interrupted with what they wanted to know :)
Anyway, I'm enjoying your plot so far, but, hun, please, stop trusting spell check to do your editing for you. You've got an awful lot of misused homonyms. Although, of course, there's another 10 chapter or so, so maybe you've already improved in future chapters. But if so, I strongly recommend going back and fixing the early ones.
Review By [dreamfall] • Date [9 Oct 11] • Not Rated
now that i've read all the current chapters, i'll do one longer review lol. very nice story so far, i like how you made xander and anita twins, i've never read a story where they are siblings before and it was a nice twist. i also like how you split up the triumverates, letting xander take better care of them than anita could. also liked the plans he kept coming up with, the coffee shop and all were construction crew. and your sex scenes came out pretty well, showing the intensity between the characters without going into a lot of details
now for some (hopefully) constructive crit which most of has to do with continuity through the story: 1)the thing with d'hoffryn and his reason for answering anita's wish, at first you said it was because dawn had made a wish of him to save xander and he had put out a message for the other demons to contact him if something came up that he could use for that purpose. later you said that xander had been a lover of his and kind of hinted that that was the reason d'hoffryn rescued him. 2) small issue of dawn's age, in earlier chapter you said she was almost 21, in a later one she was almost 18. 3) in the start you said xander was naked, but later he was wearing his boots when he was rescued (which does give some interesting mental images lol). 4) guessing this universe's edward is gay/bi and he's not living with his girlfriend and her kids in NM? can't really see edward being overly touchy as you described him, but it's your universe and it fit with what you were doing.
as for the comment about using a beta and your reason as to why you didn't, you may want to look into something like Google Docs (docs.google.com), it allows you to share a document with a person but it's all online so there's no actual sharing of files meaning you can't get a virus or anything. it's free and i've used it several times and it's pretty easy. it would make your story -a lot- easier to read if some of the spelling and grammar issues were corrected and this would be a way you could possibly do it.
all in all, a really interesting story so far. keep up the good work :)
Review By [jujukittychick] • Date [7 Oct 11] • Rating [8 out of 10]
i really love this story but you really do need some sort of beta its not just the there and theirs its like to instead of through stuff that makes you kinda have to read a paragraph over a few times to get what you meant instead of what you said i mean it doesnt take away from the story's awesomeness really it just makes it harder to understand is all so its not the end of the world if you dont get a beta caus i'll NEVER stop reading!! ^^
Review By [noirekitsune] • Date [18 Sep 11] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Don't get me wrong, I am an Edward fan, but seriously this chapter creeped me out. Edward is just wound wrong and I would hate to see what he would do to Xan.
Thanks Calia
Review By [Caliadragon] • Date [17 Sep 11] • Rating [10 out of 10]
I tried to ignore your misspellings and typos, because the story is interesting, but I couldn't ignore them. They detract from the story. If you can't find a beta reader, then re-read your story three days after you've written it.
Review By [EasterCat] • Date [27 Jul 11] • Rating [3 out of 10]
dreamfall
