Hey, Great story idea but I'm having a hard time reading through it. The dialogue is ok, but really disjointed and way too formal. You do get a bit of slang in there but it's written like a letter to your boss. Try to relax a little and try reading through the dialogue out loud. See if it sounds like something you would say in casual conversation with a friend. Also remember the little things. Details are your friend. Best of luck to you in your future writing.
Review By [DeaconKrow] • Date [9 Sep 12] • Not Rated
This is a nice start of a story. I like how you've brought things along so far. It seems a bit early for you to bring in a hunter, since getting Faith/Dana reconnected with her family looks like it will take more than just saying 'here they are' to each of them. Though, if the hunter learns of the slayers, which the demons are afraid of, and wants to plan a new hunt later it makes more sense. It would also be a good tie in for all parts of your story so that it came together some time in the future.
I hope you plan on writing more. If not, thanks for sharing what you did.
Review By [AnFan] • Date [19 Oct 11] • Rating [10 out of 10]
A great confrontation between Harry and Xander, although I wouldn't have thought Poncho was old enough to be married twenty years.
Comments from author:
glad you enjoyed it, yeah maybe twenty years was an error on my part when I look back at it. I've done my best to create a decent and belieable background for Poncho something you don't see in the movie. So far I think it works, I will try and change that mistake at some pont and decrease it abit.(razial)
Review By [eriktheviking] • Date [20 Aug 11] • Rating [9 out of 10]
Interesting idea for a story. It will be neat seeing how OMEGA deals with the supernatural, and the Council of Watchers. Thank you for letting us read your work, and I can't wait to read more of it.
Sincerely
John
Review By [Moontrap] • Date [3 Aug 11] • Not Rated
Minor quibble: in canon, "Lover's Walk" occured more than a month after "Faith, Hope, and Trick", and Willow and Xander hadn't had the fluke until "Homecoming", so Cordelia and Xander a) should be together still at that point, and b) Xander shouldn't be remembering kissing Willow as that hadn't happened yet.
If you're changing the timeline on that in order to have those events have happened before FH&T in order to have Xander and Cordy already broken up (and specifically for those reasons), then you'll need to do some rewrite to introduce those changes in story context, and to edit out Faith from being around during Homecoming et al. Otherwise, it's a bit jarring to anyone who does know and remember the canon sequence.
Review By [Ironbear] • Date [21 Jul 11] • Not Rated
I suggest that Xander take a picture to prove his words when he sees Harry.
Look forward to Harry's reaction the Watchers and supernatural, guess he can use the mission against the Predator to show that there are "more things in heaven and Earth than most dream of".
Wonder what Harry will do to the Watchers when he finds out about them.
Look forward to Dana's reaction to finding out it was all a lie.
More soon please.
Review By [cjcold] • Date [21 Jul 11] • Rating [8 out of 10]
"Xander stop messing around," Willow shot back, slapping him on the arm and looking very put out.
How did she slap him when she was already a ghost?
If the last time he saw Dana she was 13 I doubt he'd be able to recognize her and would put it off as just a chance resemblance unless she had a scar or tat he recognized.
Review By [dogbertcarroll] • Date [8 Jul 11] • Not Rated
dogbertcarroll
