The concept was simple at first, but you handled it very well, I assure you.
A bit ambiguous about the Weasleys just ignoring their squib cousin like that- not spending much time together because they probably don’t have much to talk about since he can’t do magic isn’t the same as the ‘neglect’ you implied here-, but in general your reasoning makes sense, even if Willow’s attitude towards the Ministry seems a bit excessive at first (The anti-werewolf laws are excessive, but there aren’t any anti-MUGGLE laws at the time; some people just have certain beliefs rather than those beliefs being completely publically accepted).
Still, those personal details aside, Willow’s interactions with the Hogwarts staff and students generally works, ranging from Dumbledore’s acceptance of her application to Hermione’s confusion about the new Watcher’s Council and Malfoy’s rapid deflation after Willow so casually dismisses him, as well as her neat handling of Umbridge in her first lesson; direct and to-the-point in a situation where she knows she’s in control while still being essentially Willow (To say nothing of her rather interesting approach to make a point to Malfoy and the others; I may consider him a prat, but at the same time he was fundamentally a git rather than explicitly evil).
The twist with the SS and Umbridge’s new approach was definitely effective, both as a more subtle means of exerting her power without a teaching position while also giving the heroes a unique chance to expose both Voldemort’s return and the Ministry’s corruption, culminating in an excellent moment as ‘Cerberus Industries’ get the chance to expose the Ministry’s incompetence.
Keep up the great work; with Voldemort allied with the First, the future looks VERY interesting...
Review By [MarcusSLazarus] • Date [28 Jun 12] • Rating [9 out of 10]
Well, I agree with your assessment that you made Willow a bit too Mary Sue, but not in the self-insertion way so much as the "gets everything right the first time and solves all the problems" way. I saw echoes from "Pursuit of Perfection", my favorite of your stories, but this one was a bit more heavy-handed (to wit, the Molly/Lance situation and the use of Star Wars).
That said, I did enjoy the piece, and I think you got the characterization down quite well. Also, I love how you lampshaded the wand contrivance with Ron telling the truth about the things.
I'm a bit worried about the use of the First because, well, it's unkillable. Buffy et al didn't kill it; they just thwarted its plans and Spike closed the Hellmouth. But I'll still be eagerly awaiting the completion of the sequel (I rarely read WIPs) to find out what happens next. I really can't wait for Voldemort's moment of horror when he realizes that it's more powerful than him.
Overall, a good tale.
Review By [Listener] • Date [24 Jun 12] • Rating [8 out of 10]
I was beginning to think the Slayers were on vacation roasting hot dogs and marshmallow's over the nearest Hellmouth. Nicely intense.
Comments from author:
Heh. I'm guessing they take turns with their vacations. Running them ragged won't do them any good, and there are others to pick up the slack now. Glad you liked it.
Review By [Zucht] • Date [16 Jun 12] • Rating [8 out of 10]
Now things have really hit the fan. It would be interesting to see what happened to the bad governor.
Comments from author:
Yes, the proverbial 'things' have indeed hit the equally proverbial fan. I don't intend to follow up on that particular governor at this point in time, but I might actually do that in the sequel, if it fits in with the plot and characters. Something to keep in mind.
Review By [Zucht] • Date [16 Jun 12] • Rating [8 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Greeks Bearing Gifts" from Zucht
Review:
Now that was exciting! It sounded like the Governor turned into Lucy Malfoy.
Comments from author:
Hehe. No, Lucius hasn't been a governor since he was expelled at the end of 'Chamber of Secrets.' I was going for a similar vibe, though, so I guess I succeeded there, lol.
Review By [Zucht] • Date [16 Jun 12] • Rating [9 out of 10]
Review of chapter "The Harsh Light of Truth" from Zucht
Review:
You put a lot to think about in this chapter; logic and examples clearly written.
The transition from Dumbledore's office to the flashback seemed rough, the way it was worded. Willow seemed to go from a mid-twenties woman too a ten-year old girl, in the way she was speaking.
Comments from author:
I'm glad you find the chapter thought-provoking. As for Willow's speech, I admit that I sometimes have a bit of trouble nailing it down, so thank you for pointing that out. You seem to have a good eye for what works and what doesn't. I'm currently working on a sequel to this story. Once you're all caught up, might you be interested in beta-reading what is yet to come?
Review By [Zucht] • Date [16 Jun 12] • Rating [8 out of 10]
Very interesting. Pretty accurate HP universe view of magic.
Review By [Zucht] • Date [16 Jun 12] • Rating [8 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Welcome to Yet Another Hellmouth" from Zucht
Review:
Wow, intrigue. It's a shame Harry didn't ask for a pensive. It would have been interesting to see if they could find one. It looks like the Scoobies will help Harry.
Review By [Zucht] • Date [16 Jun 12] • Rating [8 out of 10]