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Iron Willow

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Review of chapter "Mark Zero daydreams" from Harry
Review:
Easy Red! You don't want to risk breaking cover right now. You want to keep things on the down low, before you reveal what you have planned comes to fruitition.
Review By [Harry] • Date [23 Nov 11] • Rating [8 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Dreams and Portents" from Harry
Review:
Sounds like Willow is enjoying being the daughter of Tony Stark, if only in the intellect department. Now, lets see how the armor holds up against Vamps and Demons!
Review By [Harry] • Date [23 Nov 11] • Rating [8 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from Harry
Review:
Willow, now related to Tony Stark? This is COOL! I hope she comes up with some good ideas for dealing with both Snyder and eventually the Mayor. Maybe make some of the armor upgrades Magickal in nature instead of tech. Make it harder to deal with for some of the foes they will be dealing with.
Review By [Harry] • Date [23 Nov 11] • Rating [8 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Superheroes and Watchers" from superfan
Review:
Ok. you still show improvement, that's GOOD.

Now, If you are not going to mark the border between scenes(Admittedly, something many Fanfic writers don't, but they REALLY should.) at least putt double spacing there, It's REALLY jarring.

Also,

1. Willow is not a commander, & the scoobs are not her troops. When she say jump they do not ask how high. Therefore, even if they follow her advise, they will discus this before going to their missions. In short, MORE DIALOGUE!

2. Between lines of dialogue there must be description of something relevant, usually the speaking character, but it can also be another character, or even the background. preferably a combination of all of the above, but that is difficult to be done right, so begin with one and work your way up. I'm not saying you're not doing it, but you need to do more.

As you see my comments are becoming more focused, that's good. It means that you're improving, good work.
Review By [superfan] • Date [29 Sep 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Superheroes and Watchers" from (Moderator)JoeHundredaire
Review:
Same problems, and evidently the same lack of interest in improving yourself as a writer. It's sad, really. Common and understandable, but still sad.
Review By [(Moderator)JoeHundredaire] • Date [28 Sep 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Superheroes and Watchers" from CrystalBlaze
Review:
Hey, everyone can have an off day.

Besides, Natasha likely saw a even trashier version of the DiCaprio version of Romeo and Juliet.
Review By [CrystalBlaze] • Date [28 Sep 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Superheroes and Watchers" from CageFire
Review:
Another great chapter, keep em coming. :)
Review By [CageFire] • Date [28 Sep 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Superheroes and Watchers" from Bobboky
Review:
awesome work
Review By [Bobboky] • Date [28 Sep 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Superheroes and Watchers" from DarthPayne
Review:
Good ending of the chapter. :)

Though, pink? Why pink?
Review By [DarthPayne] • Date [27 Sep 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Superheroes and Watchers" from Gideon
Review:
The bones of the story are good. I liked the last bit where Willow was in the Junkyard, that scene was described more fully, though I am unsure as to what the secondary weapon does. As for the first scene I am a bit confused. Did Willow tell her friends that she is trying to build Iron man armour and what was their reaction? Or is that still a secret? Not everything has to be dialog, you can explain and describe the scene directly sometimes. Pure dialog is harder to understand and can seem rushed.
You also have Willow riding around after she broke up her bike for parts.
Review By [Gideon] • Date [27 Sep 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Mark Zero daydreams" from PATM
Review:
Dotty Willow isn't. I admittedly I can't pull family names of my own but Willow is better than this! Ho and Potts? On the other hand Willow as Iron Girl(?) is a good fit. I guess I'll wait and see if you redeem Buffy
Review By [PATM] • Date [26 Sep 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Mark Zero daydreams" from superfan
Review:
Better still.

How-ever, there was little to no transition between the scenes. Willow got to school, thought a bit, and magically got to class, in the same scene no less. try putting

***
between scenes, it will help you realize when you are blurring the scenes. Also we only see Willow, a good story has more then one person in it.

Example: Willow listened to Buffy as they sat at the library."Buffy says a sentence or two at most."
Willow thinks about something while doodling something. "Willow answer or Buffy talk some more."
More in this vain.

See what I mean, this was a skeleton for a scene. I know this is annoying Because I was a mostly exposition writer my self. But while exposition has its place, to write the whole story as an exposition is basically kipping it to yourself and not actually telling it.

It's hard work, Try begin a new file, write a character sheet for ALL the characters in you story, their history, likes, dislikes, even the most basic thing about them. It will help you know how to shape their interactions.

If you don't believe me, go to your most favorite book, see how the plot is shaped? A plot without characters is a history book, when you have characters the plot will be there.

Anyway, I see great improvement in your work. good job!!
Review By [superfan] • Date [26 Sep 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from Gideon
Review:
Nice work, has potential. I like how you have Willow working up to getting an arc reactor and not putting one together the next day. Not everyone has a stockpile of weapons grade refined platinum or whatever it was Tony put in his reactor. I'm not quite sure what tense you are aiming for in this story, but don't be afraid to fully describe a scene every now and then. You already know we care about these characters, most of us will enjoy seeing a little more interaction between them. Especially now that Willow has been handed a whole lifetime of tips and tricks on how to attract a male :)
When you first mentioned Natasha I thought you were going for Natasha Romanova - the Black Widow. That would have been interesting too but not so much about the tech.
Comments from author:
Next chapter is hopefully the first Test of the Mark Zero, that is of course baring any plot bunnies otherwise. Natasha is Natasha Stark, who is an alternate dimension Tony, I might place Romanova in somewhere. The reason I wince at describing some scenes is because I am a tech-person not everybody is.
Review By [Gideon] • Date [25 Sep 11] • Rating [6 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Mark Zero daydreams" from Bobboky
Review:
cool
Review By [Bobboky] • Date [25 Sep 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Mark Zero daydreams" from CageFire
Review:
Hmm, interesting new chapter, I'll be looking forward to more. I'm guessing one of those girls went as uhm, spider woman? Another maybe she-hulk? Invisible-woman? and the super-strength girl could be anybody. I don't know.
Review By [CageFire] • Date [25 Sep 11] • Not Rated
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