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The Courier (First Edition, parts 1 and 2 only)

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Review of chapter "It's Not About the Bike" from ShyBob
Review:
It took me a while to warm up to this story, but it really ramped up by the second half of Part 1. This is one of the best pieces of Dawn character development I've seen. I really enjoyed the Mailbox Mystery, with the "away team" traipsing all over the galaxy. Good job on the movie quotes (not being used to excess), but I was surprised not to see The Postman quoted :O
Review By [ShyBob] • Date [5 Jan 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "NCIS" from (Current Donor)Speakertocustomers
Review:
Everyone in the show who died from entropic cascade failure was in close proximity to their double or, if they didn't have a double, to the location that corresponds with their location in the alternate reality. Dawn is at least 3.26 million light years away from her location in the other reality. What is to say that entropic cascade failure propagates at infinite speed? If it propagates at light-speed then it will be 3.26 million years before she starts feeling the effects.
Comments from author:
True... but the symptoms she has aren't the same symptoms anyway. That whole thing was just an example of them jumping to the wrong conclusion.
Review By [(Current Donor)Speakertocustomers] • Date [14 Aug 13] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "It's Not About the Bike" from Freefall
Review:
I mostly liked it.
Mostly.

It's definitely the longest 'nothing much happens' stories I've made it through. And you know, there's nothing wrong with a story with little to no conflict; it's a little short on drama, and energy, but if done well it can be as comfy and nice as a warm blanket. The best parts of this are exactly that, so kudos are freely offered.

However, I have to also mention the Mary Sueish aspects of this, which show up fairly early, with the refugees fawning shamelessly over Dawn, and gradually but inexorably snowball all the way through the story. The last chapter or two, where the Atlantis crew, to a man, gleefully join Dawn's cult/adoration society, is so blatant that I was equal parts laughing hysterically and gritting my teeth at the nails-on-chalkboard feeling it generated.
I don't know if I'll read the retelling you're currently posting, but I do hope you'll throw in at least a couple of people who don't fall prey to Dawn's insta-love aura. It would really serve to ground the story if at least someone disliked her; if she failed to be perfectly perfect in at least some small way.
Don't mistake me, I liked this, and I'm a huge fan of Dawn, but for us to really connect with her she needs to be a person, with at least one or two actual human flaws (and no, Gatorade addiction doesn't count)
:-)
Comments from author:
Thanks for the detailed response - even a negative review, if calmly and well worded, can teach an author something.

I actually am addressing that in the retelling; there's quite a bit of that in the form of personal hostility from one of the colonists (though mostly, not on her own merits; it's someone with an ongoing feud with Tengwar, who's transferring to Dawn based on Tengwar's treating her like an apprentice/family member). I haven't gotten to the Atlantis part yet.

To defend the "MS" issue - it's important, I think, to realize that the colonists are themselves refugees (as you mentioned) and that they are thinking of her as an expert on the environment (other than the Stargate). I'm not sure they ever asked how long she'd been there before their arrival, but she certainly knew more than they did about living in it. It's kind of a Sacagawea effect. And in the second half of the story, it's several years later, and she's carved out her own role in the overall society, which because she's basically the ONE person EVERYONE knows (or knows of), is by default a semi-leadership role. (Though it's acknowledged that very few people are actually thinking of her as a leader.) There's room for some negativity there as well, which I may explore with the expansions.

And unlike the traditional "MS"... she does have her flaws. I didn't really explore it (other than to avoid giving her a love interest), but her immortality is itself a flaw, because it encourages emotional detachment (everyone she cares about dies)... and the whole Gate-sickness thing is a bit of a limiting factor as well. I admit, those are sort of weak flaws, and the story really glosses over them as written, but they're there.

In terms of Atlantis... Rodney's seriously not on board, because of his insistence on knowing how it all works and how she got there, but I ended the story before he really had a chance to show it. Same may be true for the folks back on Earth (post-revelation; they were *really* not on board when they thought she was a spy/hacker). Those may be addressed in the retelling or a possible sequel.
Review By [Freefall] • Date [23 Jun 13] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "It's Not About the Bike" from Berserkerzeroone
Review:
It's one of the more interesting 'Dawn gets flung to another universe\part of the universe' story I've read.

A first I thought it was a little slow, but it needed the slow start to show that she had to adjust to being on an alien world in an alien situation with homeless aliens to show her the ropes.

You need a follow up of McKay bugging Dawn about how she has 'such advanced technology that can't be detected' and that 'there's no such thing as magic' so much that timid and shy, but getting better, Teliska decks him and has Ronon laughing at him.

Hopefully the rest of your work lives up to this.
Comments from author:
Right now, I'm working on a more detailed rewrite of the original story (basically the same plot, but with added details and improved character development). I have vague ideas for at least two possible sequels, one of which would address Rodney and the whole issue of Atlantis and the science vs. magic situation, but I don't expect to start on either of those until at least October.
Review By [Berserkerzeroone] • Date [14 Jun 13] • Rating [9 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Alone" from maxthehobbit
Review:
I read this not quite a year ago and I'm reading it again to compare it to your 'HD' version. I remember when I read it the first time how I was trying to figure out what form of transportation she was trying to make. For the longest time I thought it was a golf-cart type unit. You kept giving hints along the way, but it took a while for me to figure it out. I spent a long time trying to come up with how she would recharge the electric cart. I thought it was an electric cart because they were available in Sate(whatever) have a bad memory. I thought she was going to have some sort of photovoltaic roof to recharge it.

When I found out it was a bike, it struck me as odd at first, then it made perfect sense, but making the chain had to be hard, very complicated. The lightning rods made me laugh, but also made sense. Not an action story, but very entertaining anyway, if fact I think it is the best 'non-action' story I've ever read.

Thanks for writing and sharing and I'm following the 'HD' version which I just started reading.
Comments from author:
Thank you. Regarding the chain issue - the Satedans also had pedicab-style tricycles, which would have had similar chains, gears and pedals; those parts could be salvaged and adapted. The chain might have been the wrong length, or because of the salvage situation, she may have had to take sections from several and piece them together. But in either case, the individual chain links - much less the chain as a whole - did not have to be built from scratch.
Review By [maxthehobbit] • Date [20 Apr 13] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Anthology" from ShalaDakiri
Review:
The HD version made me impatient to reread the Lantean investgation and time travel reminded of another aspect none of the characters thought of.

The stories are all culturally significant--especially to someone from Earth--but no military or real technology secrets. The Earth folks had gotten so focused on the spy theory, time-traveller could have been using the stories to draw attention once caught up time-wise.
Comments from author:
That's a good point - the content of the particular stories chosen. There would be some tech buried in her stories, but most of it is not modern (post-1945, say) tech, and in the few cases that it is, the stories don't give enough details to actually copy the tech. I think they were less focused on the stories themselves, though, than on the *source* of the stories - and their (flawed) reasoning that the only possible source was a hacker, and then jumping to the conclusion that such a hacker would have access to everything, not just the stories.

As for the re-reading, I've caught myself doing that as well; part of why the HD version is coming out so much more slowly than the original.
Review By [ShalaDakiri] • Date [29 Mar 13] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "It's Not About the Bike" from (Current Donor)Katrina
Review:
I know you've restarted the story in "HD," but I gotta say, this is awesome as is. Very nice and a lovely read. Thank you.
Comments from author:
Thank you! And thanks for reading!

The HD version is keeping most of the plot intact; I'm just having fun amping up the descriptions and the feel of things... the environmental stuff that got left to the readers' imagination in this version. For example, there's a scene in chapter five or so, where she checks her watch at night; in the HD version it actually mentions her pushing the button to make the watch light up.
Review By [(Current Donor)Katrina] • Date [27 Mar 13] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "It's Not About the Bike" from Labrid
Review:
great story would love to see what happens next
Review By [Labrid] • Date [6 Mar 13] • Rating [8 out of 10]
Review of chapter "It's Not About the Bike" from Labrid
Review:
great story would love to see what happens next
Review By [Labrid] • Date [6 Mar 13] • Rating [8 out of 10]
Review of chapter "It's Not About the Bike" from Lyssippe
Review:
This is amazing. Dawn could have been too perfect, but she's just flawed enough. The details are brilliant and bring the story to life. I love the emphasis on fighting with ideas, and the realistic dialog. Please start the sequel soon? Please with chocolate chip cookies on top?
Comments from author:
I'm working on a revised version, with an eye toward a possible sequel. I hope you enjoy it.
Review By [Lyssippe] • Date [15 Feb 13] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "It's Not About the Bike" from Stationary
Review:
this is not the first time ive read this story but last i checked it still had some way to go--lengthwise--and now that ive finished it, i feel like there should be a sequel. not because the plot wasn't well-developed and executed, but because there are still questions to be answered on both sides and situations to explore.

such as the question of if Dawn will ever be able to return/visit her home dimension and reunite w/ her family; whether the Ring Worlds will one day become one interplanetary government/loosely allied worlds or whatever; explore Dawn's alter egos more; when, if ever, she will have romantic interest or take a more active role in her "fight" against the wraith; whether she will come up with another idea, perhaps finding some way to access the magic of he home dimension or the current one, if there's any, or the powers of the Key...

so, im looking forward to one day reading a sequel or a series of one-shots/ficlets in this 'verse.
Comments from author:
To answer one of those questions - I imagine that any socio-political reorganization of the Ring Worlds via peaceful means would require several years, if not at least a full generation (children who grew up with the postal system growing to adulthood and decision-making age, or at the very least, societies weaving themselves together in more ways than just sharing a postal system and a common storyteller). The threat of the Wraith, if not the Wraith themselves, would be actively interfering with that process all along the way, so it probably can't happen (at least, not as easily) until they are out of the picture. At the same time, the Ring Worlds, partially by design (see the Wraith devastation of Sateda), do not have the military technology or resources to start off as a military alliance akin to the Allies or the Federation, which might be the shorter path. Atlantis might serve as a catalyst there, but it would still take a long time; much longer than probably could be realistically told in a story (excepting the fact that one of the central characters is functionally immortal). Dawn may see that alliance - call it what you will, the Galactic Republic comes to mind - as the ultimate endgame, but she as well as anyone understands that it's years, if not decades or even centuries, down the road.
Review By [Stationary] • Date [3 Feb 13] • Rating [7 out of 10]
Review of chapter "It's Not About the Bike" from Starfox
Review:
A superb story, and an ending that is so perfect, yet leaves me wishing for a sequel. Rodney will be going nuts once he hears from the gate crew.
Review By [Starfox] • Date [26 Jan 13] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "It's Not About the Bike" from spurious
Review:
Actually I like the ending and the passing on of the legend. :)
Review By [spurious] • Date [26 Nov 12] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "It's Not About the Bike" from (Recent Donor)SamuraiCatFan
Review:
This was such an excellent story, and I really hope you decide to do a sequel in the future. I would love to see where this goes.
Review By [(Recent Donor)SamuraiCatFan] • Date [21 Nov 12] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "It's Not About the Bike" from Dragonelf
Review:
Great story.

# = # = # = # = # = # = # = # = # = # = # = #
"I am Grey. I stand between the candle
and the star. We are Grey. We stand
between the darkness and the light."
- Delenn, Babylon 5
# = # = # = # = # = # = # = # = # = # = # = #

EDIT: I hope you will get inspired to write a sequel.
Review By [Dragonelf] • Date [21 Nov 12] • Not Rated
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