Large PrintHandheldAudioRating
Twisting The Hellmouth Crossing Over Awards - Results
Rules for Challenges

Marvel Heroes

StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking
Review of chapter "BONUS Chapter" from Dragonelf
There will be a sequel, right?

::Gives the plot bunny a slice of Strawberry Chocolate Cake::

# = # = # = # = # = # = # = # = # = # = # = #
"I am Grey. I stand between the candle
and the star. We are Grey. We stand
between the darkness and the light."
- Delenn, Babylon 5
# = # = # = # = # = # = # = # = # = # = # = #
Review By [Dragonelf] • Date [19 Sep 12] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "BONUS Chapter" from MarcusSLazarus
The start was dramatic, and the subsequent team-up was generally effective, but I found the assault case sub-plot in particular to be a bit excessive; if nothing else, surely any medical examination by a qualified doctor would be able to determine that Mary Jane wouldn’t have had the physical strength or build to do the kind of damage implied to her attacker?

Still, the group’s unexpected team-up against the vampires was effective, with each hero having a plausible reason to be there independently of the others, and the final fight was generally effective.
Review By [MarcusSLazarus] • Date [19 Aug 12] • Rating [7 out of 10]
Review of chapter "BONUS Chapter" from draconis
You're very much one of the better authors at describing and pre-setting a scene, but carrying the plot(s) and some of the fight sequences need work. There are a number of disconnects that jolt the reader out of the story.

I'm only bringing this up as you made MJ's court case PIVOTAL in the story to Peter exposing his dual-identity...which I found very hard to believe. We have to keep in mind that by doing so he himself would certainly face criminal charges (including negligent homicide), civil lawsuits for property damage and personal injury, and risks the safety of his personal friends, acquaintances, and employer. But, the court case against MJ as you present it is really very weak. She could have just as easily received the stipulated bruises in defending herself from an initial attack by the so-called victim. It's strictly one person's testimony against the other, and MJ could make the EXACT SAME accusation against Eckard. Most people would think that even if she did manage to beat the guy up, it's considerably more likely MJ acted in self-defense. A legitimate prosecutor generally does not try to call for a trial without a LOT more evidence in place than a simple accusation. The video would not do it. Prosecutors do NOT like lost cases on their records. Motive and ability would have been evaluated (Why would MJ beat Eckard up? Is the low-weight MJ trained in any fighting art that she could severely beat Eckard? Does she have a history of beating up people? What about Eckard's history? ...and so on.). My suggestion would be to set it up as a crooked prosecutor with an agendum. I have no idea what that would be, but it would have to involve considerable benefit/gain for Arad to risk adding a lost case "notch" to her resume'.

Quite well written overall, but you may wish to consider not using RELATIVELY obscure Brit-isms when writing a story that uses considerable second-person narrative in a non-Britain location (carriageway, vehicle park, tyres, etc). You also have to watch out for differences between European and U.S. "first" floor, and other differences. Metric is probably ok these days as long as there isn't too much of it and the numbers are easily 'visualized' by non-metric readers (e.g. dealing with a few meters is easy, but dealing with kilometer-miles conversion is too difficult for many non-metric people to visualize without being kicked out of the story)
Review By [draconis] • Date [11 Aug 12] • Rating [7 out of 10]
StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking