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ATLANTIS

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Review of chapter "Disturbing News...." from Rod
Review:
This is seriously hard work to read, and I'm afraid I didn't get very far. Far enough to see your style switch abruptly from synopsis to a very dense and utterly inexplicable set of actions. It just doesn't flow, doesn't give the reader any time to get into the story before switching and throwing them out again. (Oh, and stop using brackets. They're distracting, and almost always unnecessary. You certainly don't need them in every other sentence.)

It really didn't help that the first sentence contains a howler of a typo: "[They] decided that the war... had been wagged all wrong." Clearly they needed a different breed of dog to wag it differently!

EDIT: you are right to suspect that I didn't read down to the eventual explanation, but in fact I had already lost the thread by the time things were happening to Mabel. Re-reading, it is easier to tell what's going on than I first thought, but it is still a problem.

The issue, I think, is that the opening section is one big data-dump. There is a lot of information there, and it is presented very quickly, with a few non-standard abbreviations ("DE" in particular) that don't help at all. You could have expanded that out to the length of the whole chapter, showing us what was happening rather than just telling us, and it wouldn't have felt slow.

You write very good English for someone who doesn't have it as a first language. There are one or two odd word choices ("replicate" would more usually be "replacement" in Mabel's case, and "infiltrates" is an odd way of saying "infiltrators", for example), but you would get away with those as just a slightly unusual style if the whole opening didn't feel so rushed. Sadly English is one of those languages where you just have to know things like "to wage" goes to "waged" and "to wag" goes to "wagged". Even native speakers fall into English's many traps on a regular basis!
Comments from author:
Well, I am still adapting to the TTH format. Stay tuned, I will implement a few changes. As for the "Howler", there you found out -I am not a native english speaker. As for the abruptness, there was no need to go in detail of how the decision was reached, etc, because it will hardly matter after the ATLANTIS arrival. All of a sudden, the death eater problem will cease being of utmost importance. You see, Atlantians THINK they are well meaning,and they even may be, but they intend to CURE wizarding society, and the ministry may be as much against their CURE as the Death Eaters themselves. As for the "inexplicable"
set of actions, you should go into detail there.
There you got me curious. However, i suspect that you just read the begininning, so you missed the eventual
explanation.
Review By [Rod] • Date [26 Sep 12] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Disturbing News...." from Gideon
Review:
Interesting idea but the story seems to jump around a fair bit. I would suggest scene breaks at the very least. Most authors seem to use a whole line of just a single character repeatedly as a scene break. Paragraph breaks of two or three blank lines might be useful too.
It was interesting to see the Atlantean saying the wizarding world feels superior to muggles while exhibiting a fairly extreme superiority complex themselves :) I would think one way to get Hermione on their side would be to solve that little Death Eater problem for her.
And the tall girl in the last part - am I right that Tom may get a large surprise when he arrives at her home address?
Comments from author:
"...while exhibiting a fairly extreme superiority complex themselves :)" Well, Atlantians are human too and thus falible.
On the other hand, the Atlantians do feel a strong sense of responsibility for the wizards. It could be compared to how a man might feel towards his previously unknown ilegitimate child. They feel sorry for the wizards and at the same time strongly disagree with
their upbringing, thus reacting in seemingly "superior" way. They are acting like parents, and that frequently
seems like annoying superiority... Besides, the only Atlantian you saw so so far is Ariel, and she is being deliberately provocative towards
Hermione. She knows Hermione has been fed a load of lies by the wizarding society, but in order to interest her "pupil" in the
truth, she has to provoke her in defending the said lies, and thus finding the inconsistencies for herself.
As for the rest, what I can say without spoiling is that it is more involved than it seems.
Review By [Gideon] • Date [19 Sep 12] • Rating [6 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Disturbing News...." from EasterCat
Review:
This story is a garbled mess. You should re-think your approach to it.
Comments from author:
What exactly you mean?
Review By [EasterCat] • Date [18 Sep 12] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Disturbing News...." from LordCorwin
Review:
You need to fix the formatting ... delete and repost ...
Comments from author:
Well, I changed the formatting.
Review By [LordCorwin] • Date [18 Sep 12] • Not Rated
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