I wonder what's wrong with her. Maybe she's connected to all slayers now and is overwhelmed by all the sets of memories or something like that? Or her slayer dream / precog ability is amped up too high? She sounds a bit like Drusilla. Anyway--Asher is going to have his hands full. If she gets her sanity back, slayer + human servant, she'd be very very powerful. Get a third, and they'd form a triumvirate, maybe?
Review By [AllenPitt] • Date [22 Oct 12] • Not Rated
I like the overall idea, but I have a couple issues as well. Consider this review feedback from another author.
1) You should have drawn this whole chapter out more. You needed to explain the combination of the Buffy and Anita worlds better. You should have drawn out the discovery of Buffy's problems - that would have made it more dramatic. That should have involved the actual scenes you described, instead of just descriptions of what happened.
2) I'm not at all sure why Buffy's friends, who have a lot of magical knowledge, talent, and now money would immediately ask a vampire for help. What did they do to try and figure out what was wrong before asking a vampire? How are Buffy's problems connected to vampires that one would be able to help her? What sort of situation is Buffy while she's in this condition - do they have slayers watching her? Is her freedom restricted? Does she even notice?
As I said earlier, I LIKE the idea you have, but I feel that you rushed to get all of this "intro" stuff out. It's little details here that flesh out a story and sell it, and give you more detail to tie early chapters and later chapters. Also, fleshing out the world early on makes for easier writing later in the story, as you don't have to stop and explain details that are part of the world-building.
Good luck!
Review By [thetwitmachine] • Date [6 Oct 12] • Not Rated
SlayerandWereLeopard
thetwitmachine
