Bad points: Errors in spelling, word usage ('then' when 'than' is proper, for example), some rather long sentences...
Good points:
Helluva start ya got there. Like what you've got and want to see more... maybe throw poor, shy, bookish Hermione into either Xander or Harry's love match - if 'Dite gets to play with Big Brother, why can't She feel sorry for poor, abused, down trodden Harry and his stalwart, loyal friend of the bushy hair, after all? - for more fun.
I would love to see her try to deal with Faith... then again, how much and what kind of briefing did Our Favorite Dark Slayer get, and come to that, Who was it that was doing the briefing????
You sir, need a beta. Besides that, I have a problem with Aspen (Matthews) being a Potter, seeing as she is a hybrid of two different none Human species the Black and the Blue and also has a half brother called Finn, it'd be like saying Kara Zor-El was a Potter and hoping nobody would notice she is actually an alien. Now I had no idea what Fathom comics was or who Aspen was until I read this and used my Google-fu. If Xander died aged 125 and Voldemort killed Harry and won, why didn't the world devolve into war? being that as soon as Voldemort ruled the Wizarding world his next step would be to take over the Muggle one, or destroy it? Also Harry was 17 in 1997, Xander was around 16 then since that's when BtVS started making him younger than Harry, probably making Xander a new born home birth when the Potters were killed.
I know this is your story but I can't help but feel it needs rethinking. One I'd lose Aspen, I can't see her relevance to the storyline, you could keep it a Fathom cross if you need to by reactivating Xander's aquatic genes and 'maybe' make him technically Aspen's half brother. Harry died in 1997 around Halloween I think the Exact same time as the Buffy episode of the same name, what if Xander dressed Harry just as Harry died and it changed him?
Review By [michaelangelo] • Date [8 Feb 13] • Rating [5 out of 10]
Okay, the table is set, all that is left is to eat (read) what is put before us. Nice setup. There should be plenty for you to play with both serious and humourous. Let the games begin!
Review By [Studyofchaos] • Date [8 Feb 13] • Not Rated
The concept of this story is interesting, but, the overwhelming amount of errors are making it impossible for me to read.I am unable to immerse myself in the story. I suggest you put an alert out for a Beta reader to help improve the flow, grammar and spelling of the story.
