Review of chapter "Awakening to a Dream" from satsuma
When this chapter first came out and I read it as a standalone; I was less than impressed and was wondering where Grendel was going with my favourite Spartan story. But I went back and read the whole story and I realized that the chapter really fitted and is a necessary back story that enhances the whole and I am eagerly awaiting the next part in this fascinating story. I once read James Clavell's "Shogun" and like that book the chapter really hits the nail on its head in its description of life under the Samurai and Bushido. I wonder if when Xander and Willow go to the prefecture where this chapter happens will they find the Alteran Base with all of the treasures intact and awaiting the Warrior from the Stars who fights the Demons and the Goa'uld's?
Review By [satsuma
] • Date [22 Sep 14] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Awakening to a Dream" from Morgomir
Great chapter. Keep up the good work.
Review By [Morgomir
] • Date [12 Sep 14] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Fight Club" from sdavidm
This whole taxidermist thing came out of nowhere. I have no idea why Xander would want to skin and make edible meat cuts from a demon. Canon BTVS has established that dangerous "aspects of the demon" can be transferred by their fluids. I don't see how anyone could think it's safe.
As for trophies, master chief is a soldier, not a hunter. I don't see why he or Xander would want trophies of any kind. He's not doing this for sport, he's fighting a war.
Comments from author:
All soldiers collect trophies. Despite our current DoD's idiotic rules against taking even the uniform patches of the dead enemy.
VFW and Legion Halls are full of the relics and trophies of our past wars and the museums certainly appreciate the authentic donations when the wall space gets to full.
Many soldiers become hunters because they become accomplished 'shooters.'
Xander is a blend of Spartan and a Californian. He collects trophies for show and education of the ignorant. Just like any museum would.
So far Xander has not collected one of everything he has killed. I left it unsaid, that his scanners can detect toxins and other hazardous molecular structures at the most minute quantities and leave them.
Review By [sdavidm
] • Date [24 Aug 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Surprise and Fear" from sdavidm
It's an interesting premise, but there are too many things that aren't quite accurate. For instance, Xander wouldn't be able to access bank accounts or authorise transfers without appearing in person at least once, at which point he'd need id. He still wasn't emancipated at the time he purchased the warehouses. He still doesn't have id, even at the close of this chapter. It's simply impossible to do the things he's done without it.
And even with id, he'd be questioned about his status as a minor given his age, as displayed on the id. He'd need his lawyer present to assure the banks and real estate agents that he had the needed authority. In other words, he might as well send his lawyer around to do all of this work as his representative, but only after he'd emancipated himself.
Furthermore, 1997 is a little early for pervasive online banking to the point where Cortana can steal from drug cartels just by connecting to the internet. At the time, a lot of electronic systems were still accessed by direct connections via modems over the phone line.
Finally, I don't think Halo describes the nature of the economy or the social structure of Earth in the 26th century. You're just assuming that Cortana knows about money, corporations, drug cartels, banking, and everything else that she did in this chapter. There's no guarantee that any of these things still exist in the future. She can learn about these things given time, but it's worth mentioning, even as the least important plot hole.
On a stylistic note, you're mixing third person omniscient and first person narrative in a single story. Xander is written in first person style, which is fine even if it's not a common choice, but then you can't also write what Cortana is doing while he's sleeping. It just doesn't make sense, because by saying "I did this", and "I'm feeling that", this becomes a story that Xander is telling the reader. But then he can't talk about things that Cortana is doing while he's unconscious, except after the fact, ie. when I awoke, Cortana told me she did X, Y and Z.
Just keep these points in mind when writing in the future, and thanks for the interesting story.
Comments from author:
Thank you for the comment and I will answer somewhat in order.
Emancipated child movie stars and other children of abusive parents or orphaned with wealth - have existed legally in the US since our founding. Yes, today the minor would use their real State issued drives license as their ID and carry a State issued "Emancipated Person" ID card (authorized by the Court of Decision) along with for example a US Passport.
Any business person who wished to make a transaction would just call the bank to determine if the transaction would be covered. Or call "Dunn & Bradstreet" for a determination of credit worthiness and business trust.
Online banking began back in 1983 with yes, 300 bps modems and individual cypher-keys. I had an electronically addressable accounts with my bank and stock broker in 1987. Banks have been trading currency accounts electronically between themselves and their corporate account partners since IBM began selling mini-computers.
The only reason that "the little people" (as in us individuals) got into the online (computer-to-computer) banking is because the price of a computer had dropped so low that even an industrious High School kid in 1993 could purchase one for less than the price of a small motorcycle.
Ever since man learned how to make things that someone else wanted (about 14,000 years b.c.) there has been barter and then currency exchanges. The business books state that the two oldest professions are prostitution and then banking. They aren't joking.
It has been a naive dream of idealistic socialists to dispense with money and capitalism. That's like dreaming that tomorrow pigs will grow wings and start to fly. It does not matter what universe we talk about (Halo) inhabited by man; there will be a currency of some kind with an economy, a government of bureaucrats, policemen, fireman, medical people, crackpots, entertainers, criminals and all of the other people that makes up cultures (both good and bad). Cortana will know about all of this because she is a clone of Dr. Halsey's mind, so figuring out our currency exchange rates and how things work here wouldn't be that big of a stretch for Cortana.
Yes, Cortana is constrained by our pathetically slow computers (to her) and slow data communications rates but she is patient.
Thanks for the tip on style. I confused the two inadvertently a lot at first but have gone back and corrected most of the tense and style confusion. Read some of my first responses to readers on what happened.
Many books and novellas from the 1930's to about 1974 mixed first and third person but there was distinctive section breaks for the change in view and perspective. I sometimes forget to do that.
Here's the hook. Are you volunteering to be a Beta Reader?
Review By [sdavidm
] • Date [24 Aug 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Awakening to a Dream" from WCSII
This chapter was obviously written as an aside, what with it starting separated from the rest of the main story. And apart from indicating a location that Xander and co. might find some Gou'ald tech; doesn't add anything to the main story. No, not even as a 'demonstration' of just how 'important' Willow is. This chapter IS a good story unto itself, and SHOULD be posted as its own separate telling, as a sideline serial to the main story. But, this chapter SHOULD NOT, be a fixated part of the ongoing main story. If you could remove this chapter and set it up as its own story, with its obvious following chapter(s) to come, so that the main story would have a functional flow of continuity; we, the readers, would be ever so grateful for an easier time reading a great story(ies)
Also, if you've perchance read my earlier review... what can I say, I was still waking up, my lower back was trying to bring tears to my eyes, and I just read no less than three reviews sharing my opinion on the nature of this chapter. I was a little testy. After thinking about it, I realized just how hostilely I was posturing, and ignoring your feelings about the matter. Hence the post edit.
Comments from author:
You are correct about this story starting out as a quick intro to a plot line. But then the characters took on a life of their own and refused to leave my fevered brain.
I will be drawing this diversion to a close in the next chapter and the larger bulk of this story text will eventually become a standalone original story.
I'll be soon getting back to Xander and Willow's present incarnation.
Mea culpa and my apologies also to you.
Review By [WCSII
] • Date [17 Aug 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Awakening to a Dream" from falsegod
until that last chapter I would have rated you a 10 but really what was that it seems like an entire chapter wasted. don't you have enough on your hands without adding weird stuff onto it?
Review By [falsegod
] • Date [1 Aug 14] • Rating [7 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Awakening to a Dream" from fayefree
If you wanted to write another story why didn't you? Adding this on to a story in progress was just annoying. I was looking forward to a new chapter to Alexander Harris not to a new story cram in as if it were a new chapter. I tried reading it and I was only able to get through about a fourth of it. I keep asking myself what does this have to do with Alexander Harris, Spartan- 01? Answer absolutely nothing.
Review By [fayefree
] • Date [29 Jul 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Awakening to a Dream" from Chan
An interesting viewpoint on linked souls throughout time that is what the chap was about right? if not then perhaps I need to review closer than I had. although being people who making things happen regardless of the timeframe is interesting/frightening at least when this willow goes out of her youth and enters the prime of her power scary...scary...scary.
Review By [Chan
] • Date [23 Jul 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Awakening to a Dream" from CageFire
Great new chapter. Kind of a unexpected divergence, but I assume it'll be important later.
Review By [CageFire
] • Date [21 Jul 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Awakening to a Dream" from DarthTenebrus
For this entertaining look at demon hunting in Feudal Japan...
Arigato goziemashita. Anata-wa tomodachi desu.
Comments from author:
Thank you. My daughter speaks Japanese and I don't (not yet).
I am using a Japanese English Dictionary from 1873 and a few other Japanese Folk Lore and Mythology books from before 1914.
The TV show BtVS had Willow as the most powerful witch of the millennia, plus she is brilliant as in maybe a Promethean (that's Mensa for Mensa members). They have her channeling magic that, they indicate, would have killed a hundred or a thousand witches.
In the TV shows she became a powerful chess piece (using a war game symbolism) but in every season leading up - she was the small linchpin that allowed Buffy to prevail. The first time (near the end of season 2) with casting the magic that re-ensouled Angel (stopped Angelus) in the nick of time.
So with this flashback story in two chapters, I'm setting the groundwork that she is... more... and that she isn't just a witch. She is a shatterpoint (a person who at a nexus of time and space - changes everything around them) and she is a real demi-goddess.
Something more advanced than even the Alterrans?
She is young and still maturing - so she will eventually emerge from her chrysalis. When she does, will she scare the crap out of Xander and Cortana? Yep!
Plus in this flashback I'm reinforcing the pre-BtVS history of Slayers who fought demons with the help of others and weaving in the pre-history of Stargate. Goa'uld and Alterrans both killing Kaijuu and demons.
Now in my story Xander (as a Spartan) and Cortana are also both shatterpoints; changing everything, changing the world.
Buffy is a local shatterpoint and prevents demon apocalypses ('world endages'). She sustains the world by existing and doing the job; she doesn't want to do.
So what if Willow can use technology and magic in ways that Cortana and Xander can't even fathom at the moment?
How can she change the world with Xander and Cortana? What will be the catalyst?
This Willow is not going to be just a supporting character or the chess queen piece that you only bring onto the board at the end of the game (like they did in BtVS).
I wonder what Illyria, "The Blue Smurfette" and "God-Queen of the Primordium", would say to her when they meet?
Review By [DarthTenebrus
] • Date [21 Jul 14] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Awakening to a Dream" from thundernaruto
Great chapter Update soon
Review By [thundernaruto
] • Date [21 Jul 14] • Rating [4 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Awakening to a Dream" from Haxor
Quality of writing is still pretty good, and the chapter is a nice length - but it's essentially 18k worth of OC. It is such a jarring read that I could not find myself giving half a fuck what happens to the characters, despite them being 'previous lives'.
Don't get me wrong - I get it. Wizard is an alien, magic is advanced technology, Xander still knows where the lair is and will get new shiny things. There are just so many easier, better ways to do that. I can't imagine myself being the only person who effectively skimmed this chapter fore the sole purpose of finding the end of that 'quick' flashback towards Japan, only to be bitterly disappointed upon realising that's it. Worse still, that there may in fact be more.
Review By [Haxor
] • Date [21 Jul 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Awakening to a Dream" from SeniorFleetCaptain
I do not see what this has to do with the story.
Review By [SeniorFleetCaptain
] • Date [20 Jul 14] • Rating [3 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Awakening to a Dream" from Bobboky
Review By [Bobboky
] • Date [20 Jul 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Awakening to a Dream" from DCG
You heading deeper into the batshit insane area. The fic's been going down hill the last couple chapters but this was just a giant pile of bad fanboy ism wank.
Writing still great mind you, and there's a ton of it. But the subject mater.. ewwwwwww.
Review By [DCG
] • Date [20 Jul 14] • Rating [1 out of 10]