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Harris Heresy

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Review of chapter "RT: A Rogue Zeppo" from RoyalTwinFangs
Review:
So, Rogue Trader?
Comments from author:
Yeah, Xander's a Rogue Trader, Warren's a Tech-Priest and Dawn is a Navigator.
Review By [RoyalTwinFangs] • Date [19 Jun 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "RT: A Rogue Zeppo" from Bobboky
Review:
Very good work
Comments from author:
Thanks
Review By [Bobboky] • Date [19 Jun 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "VIII: Night Terrors" from baneblade
Review:
i would love to see Lupercal or Magnus
Comments from author:
Thanks for reviewing.

And I do have an idea for a Horus styled YAHF, but with a twist :)
Review By [baneblade] • Date [2 Jun 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "VIII: Night Terrors" from FinalGuardian
Review:
Very well done one-shot series, I'm looking forward to the next primary. Also, is there any chance of there being other WH-40k characters like an inquisitive or grey knights grand master?
Comments from author:
Thank you very much for reviewing And rating it.

And I do have a view ideas for some other Warhammer styled YAHFs, don't worry it's not all going to be about the Primarchs.

That's the great thing about this game, the sheer variety leaves you with an imperial ton to play with.
Review By [FinalGuardian] • Date [31 May 14] • Rating [9 out of 10]
Review of chapter "VIII: Night Terrors" from LordSia
Review:
Yeah... There's a reason his name is Curze.

Would like yo see your take on Russ, Magnus and Vulcan. Russ could get... Interesting, considering his stance on magic, Magnus precisely because of the opposite reason, and Vulcan because he's one of the few who truly cares about the little people.

Horus and Guilliman would also be neat; Horus, because before being corrupted he was the first amongst equals of the Primarchs. Guilliman, because of all the Primarchs, he was the best at logistics and strategy - the things that win wars, rather than battles. Either of those two, and I give the Demons ten years, tops, before being completely wiped out.
Comments from author:
Thank you very much for reviewing. I've got a few ideas for for Horus and Guilliman and the the others but I'm currently working on Angron, but I might switch to another idea and finish that one first.
Review By [LordSia] • Date [28 May 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "VIII: Night Terrors" from eriktheviking
Review:
The brutality of a Primarch, well done.
Comments from author:
Thanks very much.

I honestly wondered for a while if it was too much, then I thought "Screw it!" He's Xander Curze, Night Haunter reborn!

And if you thought this was brutal, wait until I write about a certain pair of Dark Eldar.
Review By [eriktheviking] • Date [3 May 14] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "VIII: Night Terrors" from (Recent Donor)Deamondeathstone
Review:
Awesome! So are you going to do just the Primarchs? Or will other WH40k characters also be featured?
Comments from author:
Thanks very much.

I've got a few ideas for some none Primarch characters.
Review By [(Recent Donor)Deamondeathstone] • Date [3 May 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "VIII: Night Terrors" from Bobboky
Review:
good
Comments from author:
Thanks.
Review By [Bobboky] • Date [2 May 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "VIII: Night Terrors" from Muadzin
Review:
At first I thought this is a really strange Lion El'Jonson, now it would seem you changed primarchs. Fair enough. Does this mean Konrad is here to stay or will each chapter show us a different primarch?
Comments from author:
My apologies, I thought I had made it clear that these would be a series of One shots centring around different Warhammer 40k characters.

Most of them will be Primarchs, some of them won't. I got an idea about a pair of characters that would be interesting to say the least planned for Cordelia and Xander. :)
Review By [Muadzin] • Date [2 May 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "VIII: Night Terrors" from RoyalTwinFangs
Review:
Seems dark. I like it! Are you going to do any of these stories?
Comments from author:
Thanks for the review.

And it's Warhammer-40K. It's not just dark, it's GrimDark! :-)

Well I do want to do one Primarch in particular in answer to a challenge...
Review By [RoyalTwinFangs] • Date [2 May 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "I: Deadboy,
 eat you're heart out!" from DianeCastle
Review:
Nice work.

Okay, constructive criticisms:
This is well written, and it's an interesting possible crossover. If you have nowhere to go with the concept, that's okay too, even if I personally prefer the wacky crossover that leads into a plotline or a series of vignettes. You should look up any webpage on common grammar errors, because you're making the classic your/you're error; remember: "you're" is only for cases where you could write 'you are'. And you have good detail on W40K, which is a plus.

Also: several word-processor grammar checkers are lousy on the its/it's issue so you'll always need to check those yourself even if you use a grammar checker.
Comments from author:
Thank you very much for your review.

And I'll work on my grammer, sorry about that.
Review By [DianeCastle] • Date [27 Apr 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "I: Deadboy,
 eat you're heart out!" from Bobboky
Review:
Nice
Comments from author:
Thank you.
Review By [Bobboky] • Date [27 Apr 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "I: Deadboy,
 eat you're heart out!" from AnimeRonin
Review:
Hmm. Interesting start. I'm not overly familiar with the Dark Angels (I'm a Space Wolf or Ork player myself) but this could be fun.

Keep it up.
Comments from author:
Thanks for the review.
Review By [AnimeRonin] • Date [27 Apr 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "I: Deadboy,
 eat you're heart out!" from ianquest
Review:
Congratulations on posting your first piece of writing! :)

An interesting start, and I look forward to seeing where you go with this. I know this was the setup chapter (and in fact, I applaud not retreading the same tired old ground of what happened on Halloween Night), but for future chapters you need to actually spell out what's happening. Remember "Show, don't tell" and describe events now that Xander's changed. Don't just tell us what happened in a summary, show us the things that happened.

What does Xander think? What's driving him? What does he want to achieve? Does he remember the Lion's training and thoughts, or does he have a mental passenger talking to him, either in his dreams or everyday moments? How do people react to New!Xander(TM)? Does Buffy have a slay first, ask questions later response, or is she overawed by the genetic superman? What does Giles think? How does Willow react to the changes in her best friend? What do the Watchers really want? How do the demons in town react? Does Xander keep any of the 30th Millennium knowledge Lion El'Johnson possessed? Did he keep all his genetic changes, like the Black Carapace? Does the armour still work, or is he able to rebuild it? What does he do with it - both the knowledge and the armour? Is the Hellmouth somehow linked to the Eye of Terror, and are the Chaos Gods able to use a primarch's presence (since they were in close contact after abducting them and casting their birth capsules adrift on the warp) to 'home in' on Sunnydale & despatch some Chaos Marines - or worse, daemons - next time the hellmouth opens? Does Tzeentch despatch a Keeper of Secrets, or Khorne a Bloodthirster?

Do be careful with words that sound alike: there/their/they're, for example. If you're not sure of a piece of the writing (especially if someone's saying something), stop and read it aloud: you'll be surprised how much of a difference it makes, and how much you notice about what you've written. Don't forget that every time a different person starts talking, you need to start a new paragraph.

You'll find it helps your writing if you write a quick plan of where you want to go with the story, who's going to be introduced when, what challenges they have to overcome, who their enemies are, any plot twists, and so on. Don't go into so much detail in the plan that you're sick of the story by the time it comes to write it; just lay out a roadmap. It will help you avoid painting yourself into a corner, or getting stuck and not knowing where to go next.

Don't forget that if Xander's superhuman, you have to give him an enemy of comparable strength. It's the conflict and the struggle to overcome that makes stories hold your attention. If they're defeated easily, the story stops being interesting. In the show, Buffy dealt with the normal vampires with a simple 'quip, stake and move on'. It was the tough or hidden opponents - the Master, the Mayor, Angelus, the Judge, ADAM etc - that were the interesting ones and the focus of the episodes. Sometimes it looked like the Scoobies would be beaten: but they dug deep and managed to find a way to prevail - so people kept tuning in for seven years.

You've made a good start, and you've got a lot of possibilities to do with it, even more than the handful I thought of above. Don't be afraid to experiment - you've already taken the hardest step, of actually posting the first chapter! I'll be reading future chapters with interest.

Good luck! :)
Comments from author:
Thank you very much for your kind words and advice, they are very much appreciated. :-)

I doubt that I will be coming back to this particular WHK40 inspired piece, but you do raise a lot of good points that will be acknowledge in later pieces.

The Lion would be difficult to mesh with Xander's personality because I don't really know that much about the man himself from that standpoint. Barring the two lost Primarchs he is the most mysterious of all of them.

The grim fatalism of Curze, okay. The broken, rage filled Angron, fine. The noble and divine Sanguinius, good. Or even the stout and stoic Dorn, because we have been given a idea of there personalities.

Granted, it gives me more freedom but I'd rather work with something more established to begin with.
Review By [ianquest] • Date [27 Apr 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "I: Deadboy,
 eat you're heart out!" from RoyalTwinFangs
Review:
Well this is different, bu the good kind.
Comments from author:
Thank you.
Review By [RoyalTwinFangs] • Date [27 Apr 14] • Not Rated
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