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A Parting Of The Ways

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Review of chapter "Chapter 2 - A Parting of the Ways." from JamesBrown
Review:
in reference to the review by - DeepBlueJoy

1- the use of 'symbols to designate words/thoughts'
has been used by some of my favorite writers on this site,
in addition to some professional writers I have read.
doesn't necessarily make your work 'amateur'.
and what is this site if not somewhere amateurs can post
their work for others to enjoy and to hopefully to improve
their skills over time?

2- while the set up does feel more than a bit rushed,
and it might have been better to leave Buffy in England
worrying with Giles if you plan to continue that part of the story,
I have no problem with Xander or Willow thinking
'I'm in the harry potter universe/stargate universe'.
since to them, their real and have just been dropped into
what they thought were just stories.
as has been done in any number of other crossover stories.

3- it doesn't appear to me that they ever broke the fourth wall
since they didn't reference either the writer or the readers
put simply noted that they were now in what they considered stories.

while I do think you need to fill this out a bit
and work a little on your characterization,
I do think that there is some potential here and
I -will- be following this to see where you go with it.
Comments from author:
I thank you for your kind words & support .

Oddshot
Review By [JamesBrown] • Date [11 Jun 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter 2 - A Parting of the Ways." from AceDreamer
Review:
The story looks pretty workable...

Only, I'd suggest you think a bit more about the Dawn section. Dawn and aircrew will almost certainly have several ways to communicate, both radio and magical. Some of these will be "come help me" beacons, some two-way. If it is 2014, for Dawn, then she will likely have a smart phone, tablet and/or laptop, with satellite phone capability, as will some of the deceased. I'd be very surprised if Willow doesn't have magically-enhanced versions of these, at least in her luggage.

If none of the two-way stuff is working then I'd expect they'd comment on this. They would likely ask the locals about communications, too.

The Scoobies will have useful magical gadgets, and Dawn will almost certainly know what these are, and whether she can use them. If the Higher Powers have nuked all the Scoobies magical kit, Dawn will probably have something really rude to say about that, at some point. Just wrecking their magical communications kit, she might be more understanding about.

Deciding what Dawn has in the way of personal tech and magical kit is probably worthwhile. Also, what magical talents she has. Doing this will likely help you develop story ideas.

Dawn will almost certainly want to say a few works of parting over the bodies of the dead Scoobies. She may know, intellectually, that they are where they are supposed to be, but, it will take a while to sink in, emotionally. Seeing as Xander is supposed to be her life partner (as far as the standard canon BtVS setting goes), she is very likely to want to say goodbye to him, if no one else. Also, Buffy is her sister, Willow is her 'Aunt' - she's just lost her immediate family. She may be able to hold things together, for a bit, but an emotional discharge/breakdown is very likely.

Looks as though this story could go interesting places, good luck with feeding your Muse!
Review By [AceDreamer] • Date [10 Jun 14] • Rating [7 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from AceDreamer
Review:
The re-write greatly improves Chapter One.

A trick that might be useful to you is to look at the story in several different layouts, like screen sizes, or different fonts (like Non-proportional/Fixed Format) in a word processor - sometimes using the different Print settings in the tth site, or the zoom-in and out abilities of many web browsers helps. This seems to help the brain look at the text differently, 'afresh', so you see errors your eyes skipped over before.

A friend of mine uses a text reader program similarly - hearing your story read-out can help you spot problems. Other authors I know read things out aloud.

I'd encourage you to keep having a go at this.
Comments from author:
I thank you for your kind words & support .

Oddshot
Review By [AceDreamer] • Date [10 Jun 14] • Rating [7 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter 2 - A Parting of the Ways." from eriktheviking
Review:
A great lead in and twist on where the respective characters were sent. Well done.
Review By [eriktheviking] • Date [10 Jun 14] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter 2 - A Parting of the Ways." from Valandar
Review:
Spell check alone will NOT suffice, and punctuation and grammar is only given the most cursory of examinations by any word proccessor.
Case in point:

“Great now Buffy of you go to heaven” stated Cordy, As Buffy Glowed and faded away with a smile & a wave.

This should be:

"Great! Now, Buffy, off you go to Heaven," stated Cordy as Buffy glowed, and faded away with a smile and a wave.
.

Next... Harry is a Half Blood. All four of your grandparents have to be magical to be a Full Blood. From the point of view of blood purists, a Muggleborn is no better than a Muggle, so Lily Potter being a Muggleborn would still make Harry a Halfblood.
Review By [Valandar] • Date [10 Jun 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from AceDreamer
Review:
This could be fun, but I'd recommend you clean-up your writing, a bit, spelling mainly. I use the free-to-download OpenOffice (or, LibreOffice) MS Word equivalent to wp all the text before posting, then copy&paste - if you've got anything with a bigger screen than a mobile/cell phone to enter text on, I'd suggest you try something like this.

It would help if we know where in their time-line the BtVS characters are - we know it's after Cordelia Ascended, but more detail would be nice. Knowing this can help the readers identify with the characters, more, and know where they're coming from. If you're sneaky you can include this info as flashbacks by the characters as their stories progress.

Killing Buffy at the start of your story is brave. As is getting rid of all the Scoobies from the Buffyverse. What is the New Council going to do? Giles, Andrew, Faith, Kennedy? Is this after the BtVS comic Deep Well stuff with Amy & Warren, if not, what might they do? Is there a currently active Buffybot? Is Dawn going to be able to use the Lostverse time travel bit to make sure the Buffyverse doesn't explode? Maybe she will try and organise replacements for the lost Scoobies, somehow? Is the Smoke Monster going to be green, not black, smoke? [grin]

Willow is the wild card. Xander is sneaky, but the Potterverse is a bit short of (two-way?) dimension-hopping methods. Willow plus the Stargate, or, even better the Quantum Mirror, equals inter-world travel fun. Willow plus Ancient database, messy... Willow will want to get to her loved ones. Xander will, but hasn't the means. Dawn might be able to, given her nature as the Key, and strange energies of the Lostverse, particularly as you imply the Lostverse is also the Buffyverse.

I'm currently guessing Xander is Neville Longbottom and Willow is Jennifer Hailey...
Comments from author:
Thanks for the review , I have yet to think beyond what I have posted so far.

Yours Oddshot
Review By [AceDreamer] • Date [13 May 14] • Rating [6 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from fanreaderonetwo
Review:
Your spelling needs work.

At a minimum use spellcheck, _then_ proof read it for errors like the USAF officer named "Cater" instead of Carter.
Comments from author:
I do use spell check both in word & via this site but some things still slip though.

Thanks for the review

Yours Oddshot
Review By [fanreaderonetwo] • Date [13 May 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from Ironfelix
Review:
Xander in Potterland the havoc he could sow. Willow in the gateverse wonder if she will hook up with Vala or Carter. As far as Dawn goes, the plane crashed on a Tuesday right.
Comments from author:
Thanks for the review , I have not yet plotted out my next chapter yet.

Yours Oddshot
Review By [Ironfelix] • Date [13 May 14] • Rating [10 out of 10]
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