Review of chapter "The Trial and the Request" from Misty
Horrific & perfect for the story, thank you x
Review By [Misty
] • Date [30 Jun 14] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "The Trial and the Request" from Wise
"When Hermione is raped by her Husband Ron, and gets pregnant, she must get out with her life and the life of her unborn child."
"When Hermione is raped by her Husband Ron, and gets pregnant..."
"When Hermione is raped... and gets pregnant..."
The only thing worse than a bad hurt/comfort fic is a bad hurt/comfort fic whose setup is an equally terrible use of 'Rape as Drama.' Compounding the story's sins is the addition of Child by Rape, which, when added to the mix, produces a concoction so utterly vile that even having it displayed on my computer screen makes me sick to my stomach.
Every single character in your story is utterly unrecognizable. Your Hermione has nothing in common with Hermione except for her name. The same is true of your Ron and your Draco. Your Woobification of Hermione is unforgivable; you have rendered her in every way weaker, more despondent, and less capable than she actually is. Before you make any claim that trauma can drive a character to this: No. If you were to portray Hermione reacting to trauma, that would be one thing. But this is not how Hermione would react. At all. Hermione is brilliant, resourceful, and capable. Even more than that, Hermione is a hero. You don't get to victimize her like this. Even assuming that there are any circumstances under which Ron would behave the way he does in your story (which he would not), Hermione would be able to think her way out of the situation long before it came anywhere near the state we find it in at the beginning of the story. This isn't Hermoine; this is Sympathy-Sue. Your pacing is dreadful. Your scenes don't so much as come to an end as they abruptly halt, never actually finding any sort of natural resolution. The dialogue is stilted at best, and sounds nothing like the characters in question. And, of course, in using the rape and forced impregnation of an established powerful female character as your premise, you have also managed to push not just one, but two of my berserk buttons.
Salvaging this story will be the work of the gods. Even so, if you want to do so, you can begin by allowing your characters to actually be themselves. Let Hermione actually be as capable and as resourceful as she actually is. Let Draco actually be as prickly and arrogant as he actually is. Let your audience see Ron's descent as more than just a headlong leap into cartoonish supervillainy. Let the relationship between the two sour naturally. Attack it along the points where it is already weak. Let it slowly become emotionally toxic. Let Hermione respond to this change in a way that she actually would respond. Actually invest the character development required to turn Draco from his canonical self into the sensitive, responsive lover you show him to be here. You've started at the ending. This is unacceptable. Start at the beginning. Show us every step along the way of how we got here, and how we got from the canonical characters to where we are.
Allow your scenes to progress naturally. Let them continue, not until you are bored with them, but until they are done. Let them reach resolution.
Finally, reread the Harry Potter books - especially the later ones - with an eye for dialogue. Get a feel for how the characters talk. Your dialogue should sound like the sort of thing that they might say, and it doesn't. Fix that.
Once all of that is accomplished, you'll be on your way towards having a good story. But it will still enrage me beyond all reason for the rape and forced pregnancy thing. Related: why doesn't she get an abortion? I'm sure there's a charm for it. If not, it isn't hard to get. Especially for people who live in England.
Comments from author:
Firstly I want to say thank you for your review. Secondly I didn't mean for my story to upset anyone. I was using this story as a tool to help me through my own rape trauma. It was suggested to do so by many of my friends.
Also I do understand what you are saying on everything especially when you said that I started at the end. I never really did like where this story has ended up especially since I have 10 chapters of it. So I will keep this story up, not to anger anyone mind you, but to keep you review that you have sent me and use you constructive criticism. I would be extremely happy if you would accept my offer to be my beta reader since I currently do not have one. Also considering the fact that you are insanely honest on how you see things and how people would percieve this story it woulld definitely hellp me a lot and you would be identified for your work on this story.
I am also currently starting a re-write for this story and would love to have your advice and constuctive criticism on board if you are up to it?
Review By [Wise
] • Date [29 Jun 14] • Rating [1 out of 10]