Review of chapter "Of Crazy Slayers" from christytrekkie
OMG!!!! that is the craziest thing Ive ever read i think i laughed for a good 5 min lol..
Review By [christytrekkie
] • Date [21 Aug 08] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Of Crazy Slayers" from Vld
Why "Poor Andrew"? Luna may be a "loony" but she's definitely cool. Besides, she would give him some of his own medicine... the only difference is that while he makes it up because of his insecurities, she doesn't make it up. Well, in my mind anyway. I certainly hope Rowlings will prove me right and include a Crumple Horned Snorckack just to prove 'Mione wrong.
Review By [Vld
] • Date [6 Jan 06] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Of Crazy Slayers" from littleoldme
I really, really love the concept. In fact, I'd been playing with the idea, but now that you're writing it, I can just let go of the plot bunny, sit back, read, and enjoy. I do have a few complaints, though.
Your language use is muddled. Oftentimes, the sentences you write seem unnecessarily long... for instance, look at the first paragraph in this chapter. There's a very definite shift within the first (or maybe it was the second sentence) and the word you used to connect the two parts of the compound didn't make a lot of sense. *went back and found the sentence*
“This was partially because everyone except Robson was busy, and to send Robson out would mean Andrew would be teaching the Slayers, but also because the boy had been wandering around the place suspiciously tight- lipped ever since he had returned.”
A careful reading of this sentence makes perfect sense, but it’s easy to get lost in the muddle of it, and I really think you’d be better off using simpler sentences sometimes. Also, the comma after busy is unnecessary and confused me a bit when I was reading.
It reads as being long for the sake of being long, and oftentimes, your word choice is a bit off, as in “energetic babble that Andrew tended to give off.” The phrase ‘give off’ is a poor choice here. If it was an active sentence, you probably wouldn’t say “Andrew gave off energetic babble,” so the rearrangement of it with this verb just doesn’t work too well. I also wasn’t too much of a fan of your slipping into a more relaxed tone in the parenthesis talking about Jonathon’s death… I was confused about whose perspective you were writing from. Was that supposed to be Andrew’s?
Also, the overuse of exclamation marks didn’t help the Andrew characterization for me. It was just kind of annoying. Again, with the “Gandalf-lookalike’ line, I’m wondering if the whole thing is supposed to be limited to Andrew’s perspective, and if it is, then I’m REALLY wondering about your word choice.
Anyway, this is all really nit picky, I know, and I hope you continue the story. It's interesting.
Review By [littleoldme
] • Date [16 Apr 04] • Rating [7 out of 10]