Review of chapter "The Choice" from Radiofishlips
most of the story was great but the ending seemed to be rushed and as a result flat im not sure i can put my finger on why it seemed that way bit there you go ...
Review By [Radiofishlips
] • Date [9 Sep 08] • Rating [8 out of 10]
Review of chapter "The Choice" from spring
Review By [spring
] • Date [19 May 07] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "The Mistake" from JustmineSM
Hey where's ther rest - You've had enough time to write it . It was quite good.
Review By [JustmineSM
] • Date [6 Apr 05] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "The Choice" from raven
While I sympathise with your muse leaving you, this chapter seems to be horribly OOC-even within the context of the previous chapters. Throughout the last few seasons, it was always stressed that Spike would do anything to protect Dawn. Even surprised, I can't see him tossing her to the floor. As for Harry, while you were dead on for his temper tantrum, it seems off for someone who just wants a family and to be loved to toss Dawn aside like he did. Especially considering how easy it is to prove paternity. In regards to Dawn going to get an abortion-it was awfully brief. Standard is several office visits, some counseling, then the actual abortion. It doesn't happen the day you first visit and you are encouraged to bring someone with you-it is that painful and disorienting. As for Ginny bringing Harry around-what about Willow or Spike? The Scoobies were only uniform in the fact that they had rotten childhoods, I cannot see any of them blindly ignoring or pushing this baby and all the related problems aside.
Review By [raven
] • Date [9 Jun 04] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "The Truth" from Jillian
Oh, so very good. Wonderful cliff hanger. I hope it's Harry's. It will be too horrable if it's not. Wonderful job with this story. I'm so glad you used my idea, thanks and it's totally cool. I love this story very creative and I really can't wait to see what happens next.
Review By [Jillian
] • Date [5 Jun 04] • Rating [9 out of 10]
Review of chapter "The Truth" from raven
This chapter was quite a bit of progress, but it still seems a bit half-formed. Draco has always been a bit of a prat, but he is also quite attached to his own survival. I cannot see him pushing this hard for a relationship that he either calls "a bit of fun" or "revenge". At a couple of points in this chapter and others you imply that he has feelings for Dawn, the remainder it looks like he is attempting to simply one-up Harry. It would be nice to see development of his motives and feelings either in a rewrite or coming chapters.
As for the "friends with benefits", the actions of Harry and Dawn to this point have reflected that form of relationship-until this chapter. This one implies that they both love or at least think they love each other. If that is the case, then this is an extremely disfunctional relationship. He spends all this time away and expects her to wait for him. His friends seem to treat her with suspicion (ch. 2) and her friends have long since gone back to their lives (ch. 1 & 2) with only the occasional visit. She is left at home waiting for Harry-this is completely against canon. Dawn liked to be in the middle of things, or at least researching the next "big bad". I cannot see her happy playing housewife all this time. There needs to be some stronger reason keeping her there.
As for Harry-grow up. He treats her like crap, hardly pays attention to her, and then is surprised that not only is the relationship in trouble, but that she moves on to someone else? This is classic avoidance. He did everything to help create this situation but tie a bow around her and offer her to the nearest avaliable wizard.
As for the title, this seems to be more about choices and relationships then enemies. At least at this point-I would like to see something in the title reflect that theme. Perhaps "Choices We Make" or "Once Wrong Move", basically anything that implies that mistakes were made by many, creating a bit of a mess. The title doesn't really reflect that at this time.
Honestly, I'm not sure where you are going with this. There is a lot of potential for either a friends w/benefits relationship but you seem to be also describing a real, if malfunctioning relationship. The only way f/w/b works is if both parties understand where they stand-that is not happening here. Add in the Draco angle, and now the baby, and this only gets worse. As I said earlier, I would like to see more development of all the relationships and reasoning behind the choices we are seeing everyone make-because right now, none of it is making much sense.
Review By [raven
] • Date [3 Jun 04] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "The Secret" from raven
I like that you are straying from the norm of "Scoobies go to help against Voldie, Dawn and Harry live happily ever after." Unfortunately, I have yet to see anything that lives up to "Sleeping with the Enemy." Yes, she slept with Draco, but by your own admissioon, he is an ally-a disliked and arrogant ally but definetly not an enemy. Another problem is you have no feeling of conflict-the way the story currently stands you have Dawn and Harry who got together almost immediately after meeting the first time and are now in a comfortable relationship of fighting and sex. He spends most of his time away on missions and occasionally comes back to see her where they seem to sleep together and fight some more. That isn't a relationship. That's at best friends with benefits, at worst it is a convenient warm body. The only conflict thus far has been provided by the Scoobies either anger at Dawn's actions or with Draco's behaviour after. Frankly, while this story was living up to the title "Secret" Dawn is apparently the worst secret keeper ever-as it lasted less than 12 hours before she was caught. Not sure how long you plan to make this story, but at it's current status it's time for Dawn to fish or cut bait. Frankly-I vote to dump them both and get a life for herself-not one that revolves around the guy she's dating.
Review By [raven
] • Date [27 May 04] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "The Mistake" from EllandrahSylver
This is a sloid fic beginning. Definitely continue. It's unique, and interesting.
Review By [EllandrahSylver
] • Date [22 May 04] • Rating [9 out of 10]
Review of chapter "The Mistake" from CountessMary
A few things,
1. Thought the draco/dawn thing came out of NOWHERE... might consider a little more plot exposition before running into that.
2. The story has the makings of a great fic. You've got great dialogue and the characters are, for the most part, believable.
Review By [CountessMary
] • Date [21 May 04] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "The Mistake" from Jillian
I can't believe that that's it. I want MORE, MORE, MORE! I love this story. Excellent idea and very creative. Your an amazing writter. I think it would be hysterical if Spike smelled Draco on Dawn! Wonderful job!
Review By [Jillian
] • Date [21 May 04] • Rating [10 out of 10]