This is a very interesting idea, but this whole paragraph: Two teenagers entered the entryway from different points. The boy was blonde as blonde ever was. He could have been a little Spike he was so blonde. The straight blonde locks hung in his gray eyes a bit. He was dressed typically full-on wizard. Robes and all. His wand was trained on Angel and Connor. The girl was compact and a bit curvy. She dressed younger than her age. Her jet-black hair fell in two braids. She wore a black dress that hit her about the knees with a white lace collar and cuffs. Her legs were encased in black tights, her feet in a heeled pair of mary janes that gave her a few more inches. One hand held an ax that was propped up on her shoulder. The other hand clutched a wicked-looking crossbow that was thankfully pointed at the floor. Her fingernails were perfectly painted a dark blood red.
Is Way. Too. Choppy. I'd suggest cutting it into sections and starting new paragraphs to ease the eye-strain and the sensation of jumping from one topic to the next.
Review By [Angelfirenze] • Date [18 Feb 09] • Not Rated
Excellent! I just knew Dawn would get along well with these four (well, I actually knew it about Connor and Draco, rebellious teens and all, but I wasn't so sure about Wednesday... Imagine them at Hogwarts? They would plummel the Slyths to death, humiliate the Golden Trio without any problem (there's even a probability that Ginny would get involved with them, too... and they'd most certainly put both the Weasley twins and the Marauders to shame because they would make an even better record for themselves... Again, you are the best!!!
Comments from author:
Thank you. Of course she fits... they're all brats.
SusanAnthony
