Review of chapter "The Glitch" from MusingsOfApathy
I have read this story, seems like years ago, if I recall correctly.
I can see that this is still in a draft, as there are several mistakes that a good beta would help you with. If you need help, I would be willing to help, or maybe other would as well.
Just a thought on the end of the chapter:
You have two people with a spell that they are using to find adolescent girls. When the spell finds an adolescent boy, they are unhappy. They express that they want to fix the spell to only find the adolescent girls that they want to find. And Harry doesn't find it a bit pedophiliac stalkerish?
"So, let me get this straight," Harry said slowly. "You two are using a spell to find teenage girls. Sure, I can understand. I have several friends that would want to do the same. But I find it a bit freaky that you are here at 2:34 in the morning walking around a sleeping neighborhood in the suburbs trying to find some adolescent girls to take with you. You see the problem here? And now you want me to go with you because the spell is broke and only supposed to see little girls not little boys? What's wrong red? He been getting all the little girls and you want a male plaything for when he's busy with the little girls? Did it take much to tweak the spell enough to find something for you?"
"I'll have you know you couldn't be further from the truth. I would never ... and she ... besides, she is not interested in men."
"Really? So I had it all wrong? The girls hadn't been to slake your perverted desires?"
"No, I assure you. I would never..."
"Of course. So she's not a lover of the outies. So, it was her spell was it?"
"Well, yes she did develop it."
"So, how hard was it to tweak, you old pervert? She's been getting all the teen girls with her spell and dragging you along for how long? It would explain her confusion when the spell picked me up. What's wrong? Seeing her with her little girl love make you ache for the man boy love? You know, can't say I'm interested in joining you. Maybe I could find a Bobby that would be interested in where you've been taking your adolescent teens for Miss Scarlet here."
Sorry, just thought it did sound a bit suspicious. You could internalize Harry's doubts about the two, him being convinced they are up to perverted and nefarious plots with the teenage girls and going along to rescue them. So he goes along quietly, and at some point attempts to "rescue" the girls he finds. It would also make him look a bit the fool and a bit the hero in the slayers' minds. Could add some more flavor to the mix there.
Of course, the story is up to you. Thank you for writing.
Oh my god! That's hilarious. I love the idea. I never saw that since I was aiming at getting Harry to go with them without the whole "let's just kidnap him and deal if he freaks out" way that I seemed to have done with the first version.
That's a very good point though. Never realized how it sounded. The scoobies, an international kidnapping gang of pedophiles, (only girls though) of course. The possiblities.
I will have to fix that. Gah this will change my entire second chapter then! Ooo, actually it would work better seeing how I get them to headquarters and a few comments made by Giles. Hmm. Re-write!
I would love your help though! I reread some of the chapter when you said mistakes, I have edited that a bit and was shocked to find no -s on the wizard when it was needed. I could use the help.
Could you send me an email from my profile page? I'd send you my email and we can discuss this. Thank you, by the way. This was very helpful.
Review By [MusingsOfApathy
] • Date [15 Nov 07] • Rating [9 out of 10]