There are no comma marks in sight, which making all of the text read like willow-babble, or really bad English.
Everyone falling in love/lust for him at first site is completely unrealistic on a level that I can't even begin to describe. Despite it happening in romance stories/novels, it doesn't happen in real life, and even less so for an entire cast of character's to do it all at once and ALL for one person. At least in romance stories/novels it only happens for one, maybe two, people. In this you have around 5+ people doing it all at once.
It's an interesting premise (Immortal Xander, apprentice to Methos/Death, and Jenny's past romance) I'll give you that, but the way you've gone about all wrong. First off, how old is he? How did he become Immortal? How much suffering has he gone through because of his Immortal life? How does he cope with it? Things like that.
Right now, it just seems like you took an OC, named him Xander, had him born somewhere else, and made him irresistible to every woman everywhere, then stuck him into a series where women are literally everywhere. Yeah, thanks, but no thanks. If I wanted a story like this I'd go read some smut, but this doesn't even have that.
Review By [Vassago] • Date [5 Sep 09] • Rating [3 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Immortally Yours" from JediKnight
Review:
Very interesting job on the story so far, I hope you'll add more soon.
Review By [JediKnight] • Date [27 Aug 09] • Rating [10 out of 10]
cool, but, ahh, will jenny get caught for doing jail-bait? cause he sure does look it . lol.
Review By [morange] • Date [10 Apr 06] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Immortally Yours" from KingHenrytheV
Review:
It's an interesting concept, but Xander's character was changed from a likable guy with a lot of potential to a capable prick.
Katanas are over-used for Immortals, I suggest doing away with them. Immortals often selected swords that held personal value -- like one that was readily available when they first learned to fight.
Killing people at random and having everyone instantly fall for him seems a bit ... callous and backwards.
Review By [KingHenrytheV] • Date [27 Dec 05] • Rating [4 out of 10]
Hawklan