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Review of chapter "Lemon drop" from DieselDriver
"Kleptodawn". Sounds like some weird kind of dinosaur. BTW, I meant to mention it earlier but you have some interesting word choices or perhaps typos. In a previous chapter you used "creator" instead of "crater" to describe what was left of Sunnyhell.
Comments from author:
I'll assume typos. And yeah Kleptodawn does sound like a strange creature.
Review By [DieselDriver] • Date [15 Apr 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Another round of shopping" from HMaxMarius
Hi! I've recently stumbled across this and have been greatly enjoying it...

I did, however, have a bit of a nit to pick. Should you ever come back to this story and look to re-write/clean-up what you have already written I would point out that (I think it was) chapter 11 where you had a string of dialog about 20 or 30 exchanges long where every single exchange began with 'Well'. By the end of it my eyes were swimming and I was beginning to consider whether or not the cetacean population might have been increased had you chosen to misspell the word. =D

Anyway, just thought I'd give a bit of feedback before moving on to the next chapter. As said, I'm enjoying the concept, even if there are some issues in the mechanics. (Since this story was last updated six years ago, I'm sure you're a much better writer now.)
Comments from author:
Ouch... I don't remember that many wells in one place but as you said it's been a while. While I've still got a ways to go, I'd like to think that I've gotten better in the last six years.

Thanks for the feedback and it's always nice to have feedback even after the fact.
Review By [HMaxMarius] • Date [7 Mar 13] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Embarrassing immortality and epilogues" from deathgeonous
Great fic here. This fic ALMOST makes me want to break my rule of only recing the first fic in a series. Well, thanks for writing this, bye for now.
Comments from author:
I like the story and either way thanks for the review.
Review By [deathgeonous] • Date [7 Feb 13] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Embarrassing immortality and epilogues" from deathgeonous
Well, while it took a while to finish, dang life getting in the way, this was a good and fun fic. Thanks for writing this, bye for now.
Comments from author:
I enjoyed writing it. It was one of those what if type stories.
Review By [deathgeonous] • Date [10 Sep 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Losing a hand" from borgrabbit
Gripknuts? lmfao!
Nice chapter!
Review By [borgrabbit] • Date [1 Apr 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Miscast portals" from (Recent Donor)Luna
but I still wish I could go with you.” Xander blinked then looked around nervously, “Well maybe not wish but want, yeah want.”—haha, nice.

And I like the image of a ‘flailing’ Andrew ;)

Not much for the femslash but I am curious as to how Willow and Dawn integrate into the HP world and how the heck all these pairings occur :) And Slayer Hermione is always fun!
Comments from author:
I figure the wish word is pretty much taboo for Xander.

I happen to like tormenting Andrew, he's just a fun character to mess with.

As for the femslash, well Willow swings that way, and well Dawn seemed like she needed some attention. Had I wrote this after I read the part about Xander and Dawn getting together in the comics... I might have done something differently.

As for the various pairings, Willow's cousin comes first in the series. That might help explain some of it.
Review By [(Recent Donor)Luna] • Date [15 Apr 10] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Embarrassing immortality and epilogues" from Obsidian
awesome story, just awesome!
Review By [Obsidian] • Date [17 Sep 09] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Embarrassing immortality and epilogues" from Kieranfoy
It's a nice story. The writing is a little stiff, and the gramatical mistakes are a distraction, but it's really. good.
Comments from author:
Thanks, I'm trying to get better. As for the grammatical mistakes I try to catch everything but sometimes I miss a few.
Review By [Kieranfoy] • Date [6 Dec 08] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Miscast portals" from (Current Donor)DeacBlue
Ok. I'm sure that you'll be happy to know that I'm not going to ding you on your punctuation and spelling, other than to note two things - that it does detract from the story, and that most of the errors can be taken care of by reading the story to yourself, and noting when you pause, stop, exclaim, etc. But, in truth, punctuation and spelling are far down on the list of what is doing horrible things to a very nice story.

Where do I start? We'll go with the fact that you have Willow executing an untried spell, not to mention bringing Dawn along, on too little sleep. Simply not going to happen with a post-Chosen Willow. She has learned, the hard way, far to well not to do that. Ditto for Andrew interrupting them. I understand that you're trying to paraphrase the Triangle incident, but that was in Season 5, and since Andrew had done something like this before(in your story), they would have had safeguards put up against it (like, um, locking the door?). The way you go about it simply makes no sense, and the fact that you felt you had to go about it shows that you know it makes no sense.

Now, the theory of Slayers on other dimensions, since you're determined to put the HP world in another dimension(personally wouldn't be my choice, as the HP world and BTVS world mesh quite nicely, with, really, no tweaking). I'm ok with that except for one problem - what did you do (pre-Chosen) if one of those happy people on another dimension actually was Chosen? You have the entire BTVS world without a protector. You also have someone on this other dimension with no support group, knowing nothing about what she has to do, with all of these upgrades. Doesn't really work at all. The only reason that it _might_, is if they become potentials - or, post Chosen, Slayers - when they enter this dimension.

Let's look at the actual transfer. Understand that there is nothing anchoring it from the HP side. If Willow's concentration is broken, it is by many degrees of magnitude more likely that she is going to miss her mark than to simply lose her clothing. Even if you're saying that they lost them by going Ghosty, won't wash. If that was the reason, you'd see their hair and skin on the floor next to the clothes, as they are non-living things that she was in contact with at the time. This sets aside your reason as an author for wanting this - ooooh, naked girls turning on other girls! Two things about that. First, for the most part, girls are attracted by hearing, not seeing(as I said, for the most part) - it's just a difference in genders. So Hermione would be listening to the beautiful voice and reacting to it more likely than the bodies, especially if she's never questioned her sexuality before. Second, she's seen naked girl bodies before. If it's going to affect her, it'll be more on the order of "and for some reason she couldn't keep her eyes off the naked redhead as they spoke." Not the sledgehammer that moves her from completely straight(in a school with plenty of extremely hot women, mind you), to apparently bi with a leaning of 75/25 to the girls.

Having said all that, you really don't do too well on the character's voices. You don't screw up TOO badly on the support team side; Have to say, your biggest gaffe there is having Andrew excited about a porn video - Um, he's gay, it's been demonstrated, he's just not out. If you doubt me, look at the canon, series and comics.

But you start messing up when it's just Willow, Dawn, and the HP characters. You paint Willow as empathetic as a rock. Dawn shows not of the characteristics that paint her character as her, Nymphadora does't ask to be called by her last name, and Hermione is talking like an american girl instead of a british one. Fer gosh sakes, she doesn't even refer to a bottom as a bum, when she's admiring one!

Please tell me you can write better than this. Please tell me you can SPEAK better than this.
Comments from author:
Thanks for the detailed (stark) review. I haven't re-looked back at that story in a while, maybe it's time I did.

As for the locking the door thing, some times you just forget because you expect people to not enter. Andrew has proven time and time again that he gets overly excited. If you look at the show (Angel) where he was in Rome, he had a lot of girls around him. Yes I know that Joss blew a gasket when he came back and saw that episode because it should have had guys mixed in. I view him as a person that hasn't found himself. If you go by Angel or the comics he has started to but he is still an annoying jerk. But you're right I should probably have picked a better plot device than that.

There were two reasons I picked a different "dimension" for the Buffy verse and Harry Potter world. One is that the time lines are off. The years don't match up. So I would either have to change the years or set it later or somehow adjust things. Probably the easiest would have been to move H.P. and crew forward in time. The other reason is that if I placed them in the same world then I have to explain why Willow refereed to Dumbledore as if he was a storybook character in one of the episodes.

While I admit it isn't those aren't that hard to write around, the real reason I picked different dimensions is because it's part of Dawn's power.

She has the power (in my story) to open portals to lands that have never been, to places that might have been and all the infinite worlds in between she is the key to the universe. Her blood on the scroll changed how the spell worked when she empowered the chosen. It allowed the spell to find targets that otherwise didn't exist. That is why in Buffy's world there weren't gaps or missing slayers. The no support staff worries Willow and Dawn a lot hence why they are looking for them to explain things.

As for your skin and hair it's part of you in your mental construct. Even if it's not true by science it would/could be for magic. At least that's how I'm choosing to view things.

As for Dawn and Willow appearing naked it was on a list of possible things that I came up with, another was missing the world entirely. I rolled dice. It might not be the best way to do things but I figured it added a random element. As for Hermione being attracted to Willow and Dawn, that sort of happens because of the spell. The spell reached out to a version of Hermione that could love them and opened a hole to that world. Good point about the voice stuff. I should have done a bit more work there to bridge the gap.

As for Andrew he wasn't out yet and really still isn't as far as I can tell in the comics. I knew a guy in high school that ended up being gay and he was for a long time a ladies man. By that I mean he always had a girlfriend and tried a bit too hard to not admit that it wasn't working for him. I see Andrew as like that. (hence the over excited part for the porn.)

As for the character voices, gah. I'll work on the voices and hopefully I can at least fix that a little. I don't remember Nymphadora being called that, but I'll go back and check. I'll go back and fix/check the bum comment.

Thanks for the constructive review. I'm not sure I can fix everything that is wrong but I hope that I at least get better at it.

P.s I thought about what you said about Andrew and admitted that I went too far to one side. I changed the scene with the wrestling game a little. It adds a bit back to the middle ground where he should be.
Review By [(Current Donor)DeacBlue] • Date [9 Oct 08] • Rating [1 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Embarrassing immortality and epilogues" from Bunney
Other than several hesitations about the hole Lexie issues, this was a great fic even if you really need to sepreate your scene changes. I'm off to read the rest and see where else you went.

Later and Love
Comments from author:
I can understand about seperating the scene changes. That's something I'm still working on. I hope you continue to enjoy the stories.
Review By [Bunney] • Date [2 Dec 07] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Embarrassing immortality and epilogues" from spring
love this fic.
Review By [spring] • Date [5 Nov 07] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Embarrassing immortality and epilogues" from (Recent Donor)Hawklan
tx for this story. really liked reading it
Comments from author:
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Review By [(Recent Donor)Hawklan] • Date [29 Sep 07] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Potions are useful?" from GandalfTG
fun story so far.

I do notice that your writing is getting better as you go on, but up to this point in the story, I think you need to look at punctuation a bit more. I think that there are a number of commas missing, a couple "and"s here and there, some quotation marks, and I think some of the dialog could be broken up and made more readable if you add a few "He said"s/"She Said"s in a few places.

One bit of continuity error that I noticed with this chapter, in either the last chapter, or the one before, you mention that Willow wanted to get the next slayer from a world with some advanced computer technology, then here, you say that she wants to get the next slayer from a world in the middle of the Dark Ages... I imagine I'll find out which is correct next chapter, but you should find and fix that little error, IMO... (PS: I like the idea of them doing the tech-asset-transfer thing. It might be mildly dishonest, but it does go towards saving the cosmos from the bad guys... :) )
Comments from author:
I'm planning to go back through to edit and do some revising of the old chapters. I'm hoping that helps some of the punctuation errors. As for continuity I'm not sure if there is an error there, or if it just happened off screen. Not every slayer Willow grabs shows up in the story. However I'll take a look when I have time and track that issue down. Thank you for taking the time to review.
Review By [GandalfTG] • Date [21 May 07] • Rating [7 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Embarrassing immortality and epilogues" from arkeus
cool ^^
i liked this story a lot, though you didn't explain the deal with the fangs and super sunlight. How different is willow exactly???
Review By [arkeus] • Date [14 Apr 07] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "B-days and Deliveries" from arkeus
uh...How come the hogwart book could detect babies from another dimension? oh, and i hope the babies can use willow's type of magic too :-)
Review By [arkeus] • Date [14 Apr 07] • Not Rated
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