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Trumping the King

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Review of chapter "Chapter One" from Chosenfire
I kind of love this lol, I just started watching QaF and was so glad to find this crossover, I especially like how you ended it, a very brian thought. I hope you write more of these kind of crossovers.
Comments from author:
When I didn't get a lot of reviews I was wondered, but I'm glad that someone enjoyed it.
Review By [Chosenfire] • Date [18 Sep 08] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from (Past Donor)angelaask
Your story was listed under the most under reviewed and as a fanfic writer myself I know how valuable feedback can be to a writer, so here it goes. I'm not too familiar with the show QAF so I have no feedback on the characters from that show. However Spike seems true to character. I notice that you took the time to introduce the characters from Buffy to readers in terms of who they are and their current predicament, but not so much on the crossover characters. I wanted to know more about the guy nickname King and his companion. It may be obvious for those who seen the show but for those not to familiar with it, the characters seemed a bit blah. Also the dialog needs some work. With four people in one scene I often got confuse on who was doing the talking. Start a new paragraph when the speaker changes and indicate who is speaking when their is more that two people talking. It may help with the flow. Plus I would like to see more imagery in the club. Don't' just list the things that Spike and Penn see, but show me. Some description of the people, music and setting may help set the scene. For example was the music really loud or low and moody? How did the people look (not just their physical appearance, but the expression on their faces) and was the club dark and smoky or was there strobe light flashing above while people writhed to the music. Sorry if the review seemed a bit long but their so much potential here and I would love to see the idea develop more. But these are only a few suggestions and feel free to totally ignore them.
Review By [(Past Donor)angelaask] • Date [7 Jun 08] • Not Rated
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