Review of chapter "Counseling" from angelusluv
more chapter please
Review By [angelusluv
] • Date [9 Oct 06] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Counseling" from MerKat
Um. . . ? What is this about? I'm lost. @_@ And Riddick is soooooooo out of character. What was with the little girl? IS this dude Riddick?
Review By [MerKat
] • Date [6 Aug 06] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Prologue and Finding" from FlitShadowflame
First of all, I didn't see any Yu-Gi-Oh. Second of all, OOC MUCH? Riddick isn't exactly the type to y'know, kill people with paperclips, save small children from being raped (is that what they were doing/trying to do? kinda hard to tell...)
also, LAVENDER? Think of a better word for "purple." Or, y'know, a REAL eye-color. You certainly figured out how to use the thesaurus for "rouge." Five words for the same color, IN A ROW? A little superfluous.
The whole Mate thing? Kinda cliche, in the, never ever use this as a plot device again kinda way. At the very least, figure out whether you're gonna capitalize it or not, and stick to one decision. Speaking of consistency, keep track of what tense your in. Also concerning tenses, switch out of first person. It's really obnoxious. YOU ARE NOT RIDDICK. Have you even watched both movies? Because you sort of misspelled "shiv," and apparently you haven't realized Riddick DOESN'T LIVE ON EARTH. Sort of goes with that whole, alien thing, being from Furya...
Clothes descriptors. ANNOYING. NO ONE CARES WHAT THEY'RE WEARING. And if you must tell us, don't say "shimmering silver," never, EVER tell me you can just "slip" out of tight, leather pants (because you can't) and cloaks don't blow. Billow is a much better verb.
What happened to the little girl? I wanna know what happened to the little girl! You went to all that trouble to describe her pink hair strands, and then she just disappears. By Hana, do you mean "nose" or "flower"? (Japanese pun, you probably wouldn't understand, being an otaku, not bilingual. Small tip: if you can't actually speak the language, try to avoid using it) "Sama," incidentally, is used for "lord," "lady," "honored sir/madam," in ADDITION to "god," and really that's just "lord" again. So she's not calling Riddick a god, if that was your intention. She would probably say "san," this is true, but "sama" is still acceptable in everyday conversation. Furthermore, on honorific suffixes, one does not introduce oneself and add one to one's name. For instance, Hana should introduce herself by saying, "Watashi no namae wa hana desu!" Except Japanese folks don't really have exclamation points. No san, chan, kun, sama necessary. Sometimes they will say within the conversation that you may call them by a particular honorific (or if it's a lord or someone with a title, this is either assumed, or kind of ordered. Like in Spirited Away, where Haku tells Chihiro to call him "Haku-sama," again, not God. Lord/prince/etc. If you ever saw that movie. And if you didn't, DO SO! It's good. If you liked Yu-Gi-Oh, which is not that great of an anime, (manga's better) you'll definitely like Miyazaki. Proper spelling of definitely, please note.)
WHO THE CRAP IS TORI? AND WHY DO WE KEEP HEARING ABOUT HIM/HER? Is it a him, her, or hermaphrodite? Somebody please explain. One of the two you, at least. Speaking of the two of you, was this just some old roleplay you switched "you" for "I" with? And if it's a round robin, I hope one of you can spell "definitely," "shiv," or other simple words. "To the," or "I leave". Your grammar is usually okay, except for the sentence fragments, using under twice (once as a preposition at the end of a sentence) and general crap-ups.
Oh yeah, and that whole blind thing? Um, he seemed to be gettin' around just fine. Both in the literal and figurative senses (that is, having lots of sex, and being able to navigate a crowded club, and finding Riddick's hand. After following him through the club. And taking off his clothes. Sorry, SLIPPING off his TIGHT LEATHER PANTS. In case you didn't notice, this part bothered me.)
Back to the sentence fragments. QUIT USING THEM. Sentences have a subject and a verb. At the very least. See, that was a fragment, it didn't have a subject. It was used for emphasis. Occasional use of sentence fragments is acceptable. Occasional means less than one per paragraph.
Another thing I had trouble with was Riddick's precognitive hana (the nose, not the flower. There's that same Japanese pun.) He managed to predict that his M/mate would appear! Astounding! He's a precog. WTF?
Good luck with the rest of it. I won't be reading any more, but maybe you'll improve.
Review By [FlitShadowflame
] • Date [5 Aug 06] • Rating [1 out of 10]