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Summary: Draco has grooming issues, among other things.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS StoriesechoFR1511,1291102,01613 Aug 0613 Aug 06Yes
rating: 15 (language)
disclaimer: I do not own these characters. They belong to JK Rowling.
shout: for Calex aka madannekidd. Prompt words: spankings, mustache, animated underpants, McDonald's, and fanged rabbits.


"Bloody hell, Malfoy! Don't move!" Blaise Zabini shouted as he pointed his wand.

"What?!" Draco Said, freezing. "What is it?!"

"There's a big bushy caterpillar on your upper lip!"

Draco went slack and glared harshly. "I'm growing a mustache, twat."

"What's a mustache twat? It sounds very kinky."

"I am growing a mustache... comma... you twat."

"I still want to know what a mustache twat is. Is it like a landing strip? Is it a bikini wax thing?"

"I hate you, you bastard." He deadpanned.

"No you don't, Princess. You LURVE me."

"Piss off."

"Seriously, you need to shave that shit off. It looks ridiculous. You look like you have a big white caterpillar taking a rest on your mouth. Or you've been eating lint."

"I thought I told you to piss off."

"This isn't because Potter grew that tacky mustache, is it? I don't mind telling you that he needs to shave his as well. He looks like the villain in a black and white French film."

Draco snickered. "This has nothing to do with Potter, and what do you know about black and white French films? How muggle of you."

"I know plenty of muggle things. I've been to the McDonald's."

"And I'm sure your intestines LOVED that."

"Cleared them right out, yes. If you're ever constipated, I highly recommend McDonald's. I was in the loo for days."

"Thank you for sharing. I so needed to be informed that you took a multiple day crap."

"Oh, you're welcome, love. I could make you a chart. Every time I have a bowel movement."

"Have I mentioned that I hate you?"

Blaise flopped onto their couch and clicked on the television. Draco cringed. He didn't know what the interest was in the muggle picture box. Though Pansy did have them hooked on Dr. Who. He and Blaise were quite fond of Billie Piper. Pans had been making some noise lately about some blonde girl from Mars or some other such rot too.

But that was not what Blaise was about today.

"What in the hell is this rubbish?" Draco snapped.

A yellow clothes-wearing sponge that lived in a pineapple under the sea? Had someone been nipping the firewhiskey before they wrote this stuff?


Draco scowled. "What?"

"Spongebob Squarepants."

"You're joking. That's its name?"

"He's not an it. He's a he, and I like his little animated underpants."

"You have serious issues."

"I'm not the one with a hair lip."

Draco snarled at him.

"Wiggle that caterpillar!"

"Piss off!"

Then Blaise started singing. "Flicka flicka flicka, here you are. Cat cat cat, caterpillar boy."

"I hate you and I hate Robert Smith."

"Don't hate on Robert Smith. He isn't the one growing a stupid mustache because Harry wanking Potter did."

"I hope fanged rabbits attack you in your sleep."

Blaise made a face at him. "You're odd, and now you look funny too. Fanged rabbits?"

Draco looked away and traced the toe of his shoe in circles on the floor.

"You going to explain the fanged rabbits?"

Draco mumbled something.

"What was that, lover?"

"I've seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail."

"What? What's all this then? I thought muggle films were evil?"

"That one was all right."


"There was this midnight showing..."

"Were you by yourself? No, no, you wouldn't have decided on that alone. Who?"

Draco scowled. "None of your affair."

"This MUST be juicy then. Who? Granger?"

"Oh piss off!"

"Right. 'Course not." Blaise chewed his bottom lip a bit. "Wasn't Pans. She'd have said and invited me along." He considered some more. "Hmmm. Was it Potter?"


"Are you cheating on my behind my back with Potter? Is that why you've grown that idiotic hairy thing on your upper lip?"

"Piss off."

"Oh Harry." Blaise mocked in a voice that sounded suspiciously like Draco when he got whiny. "I don't like muggle films, but if you sit next to me and hold my sweaty pasty hand, I'll watch anything. Can I stroke your scar?"

A muscle in Draco's jaw twitched.

"Can I put my head on your shoulder? You can sit on my lap. Oh, no, no, that's just my wand."

"Oh piss off. Like I'd ever be seen in public with Potter. I went with Ginny." Draco clapped a hand over his mouth as soon as the last words left his lips.

Blaise cackled loudly. He knew if he got Draco worked up enough, he'd spill the beans.

"You bastard." He mumbled from behind his hand.

Blaise cackled some more.

"Just for that... no spankings tonight."

Blaise abruptly stopped laughing.

"Not so funny now, is it?"

"But you promised, Draco."

"Well, with you making fun I am not so inclined to keep my word."

"I'm sorry."

"Yes. Sorry now."

"I take it back."

"Say you like my mustache, Blaise."


"Say you like my mustache, and I'll reinstate the spankings."

"I won't lie."

"You lie all the time, you big whore. Lie to me now. Lie to the one you love the most."

"I'd never lie to myself."

Draco snarled, sprung forward, and pounced upon Blaise where he sat on the couch, grabbing to fistfuls of the from of the darker man's robes. "Tell me you like it."

"Well, I do like this." Blaise said playfully. "I love it when you lose control, Malfoy."

Draco made a little growling noise through his clenched teeth and flared his nostrils. The two of them startled grappling a bit and rolled off of the sofa. Blaise was cackling heartily.

"Yes, oh Merlin, yes."

"If I was not so secure." A new voice said from above them. "This could be a little disturbing."

Blaise and Draco both craned their heads around to look up at Luna Lovegood.

"How's my boyfriend?" She asked.

"Brilliant." Blaise flashed some teeth at her.

"How's my other boyfriend?"

Draco snarled at her.

Luna arched a blonde brow. "What seems to be the trouble?"

"Draco retracted his nightly spankings." Blaise said with a pout.

"I'll spank you, love" She quipped. "What else? And Draco what's that ridiculous thing on your face?"

Blaise cackled loudly. Draco shoved Blaise off of him and got to his feet. He stormed out of the room.

"Draco?" Luna started to follow. "Where are you going?"

"To shave!"

"It doesn't look that bad, sweetheart." She called. "You know I love you no matter how ridiculous you look."

"Piss off!" The bathroom door slammed.

Blaise snickered. "Let him shave it."

Luna looked at her boyfriend. "What was he thinking with that?"

"Don't think he was, dove." Blaise smirked. "So... about those spankings..."



The End

You have reached the end of "Caterpillar". This story is complete.

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