Boys Suck (Dawn/Jean Grey)
The copyrights for the X-Men universe are far too complicated to list here (but they're not mine), and someone who's not me (but may be Joss Whedon) owns Buffy.Joe's Note:
This is a little offshoot of the movieverse. Some period after X-1... two or three years. But no X-2 or X-3.
Digging her spoon into the carton again, Dawn Summers scowled. With the crap going on with the rise of the First Evil, Buffy had shipped her off to stay with a cousin in New York. Never mind that neither of them had even met Scott (at least they hadn’t since before they could walk), or other things like that. Or that Scott was a teacher at a school for mutants and she was like the Token Normal Chick. Nope, Buffy had shipped her off. And now had the balls (uhh, metaphorically speaking) to come and check in on her for the weekend but was planning to return to Sunnydale without her.
Not only was she stuck in New York, far away from the dozen people she knew, but the people here sucked. Even the most tolerant boys here were looking for a cute little mutant girlfriend to do mutanty things with and someday have mutant babies with. At least the girls were friendly… although that was probably because she might as well be a lesbian for all the threat she was to their dating life. “Boys suck,” she declared.
“Boys suck,” Rogue agreed. “At least your boyfriend didn’t dump you for someone else just because you can’t touch him.”
Dawn tilted her head and stared at Rogue. The whole reason they were having the ice cream fest was half because Dawn was feeling emo about her lack of a love life and half because Bobby had left Rogue for Kitty. “At least you had a boyfriend?” she offered.
There was a snort from the sole adult in the room. “It’s not just boys,” Jean Grey grumbled. “Men suck too. Word of advice, girls? If your man ever wants to do something in bed that you don’t want to? Do it anyways. ‘I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with’ is just man code for ‘I’m going to respect your decision and then go try it with someone who will’.”
“Yeah, but if you had done that he would have found another reason to cheat,” Dawn told her, leaning over to wrap one arm around the redhead’s shoulders. “Even I could sense the UST and I’ve only been here for a few weeks. Scott and Emma were going to get horizontal no matter what. At least this way you still have your dignity.”
Jean shuddered and spooned more ice cream into her mouth. “You’ve got a point. Seriously, what kind of nasty woman is into letting guys cum on her face?”
There was a gagging noise from across the table. “Professor Summers and Professor Frost?” Noriko Ashida wondered. “Frosty let Cyclops bust one on her face?” She scrunched up her nose. “Ewwwwww! I thought penises in general were the grossest part of hetero sex, but that’s the new top of the list.”
All the girls around the table turned to stare at Noriko. “Thank you, Pikachu, for that lovely reminder of who I should go see to join the Xavier Institute GSA,” Dawn said dryly.
“Hey!” Noriko exclaimed. “Stop calling me fucking Pikachu!”
Dawn rolled her eyes. “Then go back to dying your hair blue,” Dawn replied. “You’re a short Asian girl with bright yellow hair and you shoot lighting. Shut up and take your nickname like a man.”
Noriko scowled and shoveled some repulsively bright green ice cream into her mouth. “She’s not actually a lesbian,” Felicia informed them. All attention turned to the black and green-haired girl and Felicia squirmed. “What? She’s not. My powers work on hetero guys, lesbian girls, and bis of both genders. My powers don’t work on her. Ergo? She’s straight.”
That was fairly damning evidence as far as Dawn was concerned. Felicia was a weak telepath and equally weak shapeshifter, a strange combination that came together to kill her dating life. Without a power-suppressing collar, she involuntarily shifted into what guys (and some girls) wished she looked like. And it was really hard to make out with someone when you knew they wanted you to look more like one of your friends.
“Yeah, but your powers don’t work on me,” Jean reminded the girl. “And Ororo and I had a thing back when we were younger.” Every jaw in the room dropped. “I should probably shut up before I dig that particular hole any deeper.”
Dawn nodded. “Please stop talking while there’s a professor I can still look in the eye without freaking out,” she said. Shoveling more ice cream into her mouth, she looked around the table. They were a motley crew. The Key, a telepath, an electrokinetic, a shapeshifter, and an energy vampire that could kill with a touch. All united in their love of ice cream and distaste for the opposite gender. “I love rocky road,” she said around her spoon.
Scraping some off the top of Dawn’s pint, Felicia licked it off the spoon. “I hear those ice cream bells and I start to drool,” she sang. “Keep a couple quarts in my locker at school. Yeah but chocolate’s getting old, vanilla just leaves me cold. There’s just one flavor good enough for me, yeah me. Don’t gimme no crummy taste spoon, I know what I need…”
“I love rocky road,” Dawn and Felicia sang, waving spoonfuls of the ice cream back and forth, “so won’t you go and buy half a gallon, baby? I love rocky road, so have another triple scoop with me!”
Dawn and Felicia collapsed snickering against the person next to them, Jean and Noriko respectively, and Rogue just shook her head. “Ya’ll are scary.”
A blonde head poked around the corner. “Dawn?” Buffy asked. “Are you singing about your ice cream?” The brunette nodded slowly. “Oh God. Okay, umm, have you started dancing yet?” That got a shake of Dawn’s head. “Phew, so it’s not too bad yet. Okay, don’t panic. We’ll find Sweet and get rid of him before he tries to kidnap you again. Don’t panic. Don’t panic!”
“I’ll do my best,” Dawn said dryly and Buffy raced off into the mansion. Turning back to the group around the table, Dawn shook her head. “I think she’s been practicing her Jack Sparrow imitation,” she told them, miming drinking from a bottle.
Noriko poked Felicia in the cheek with her spoon. “I am so a lesbian.”
“Are too!” Noriko declared. “And I’ll prove it!” Whirling around, she grabbed the girl closest to her and pressed her lips to the girl’s. Unfortunately for her… it was Rogue. Noriko had just enough time to make a disgusted face before she let out a strangled gasp and tipped off her stool and collapsed to the floor.
Snorting, Dawn leaned over the table to look at where Noriko lay twitching. “Smooth move, Exlax.”