How EVERYBODY found out about the secret relationship Harry Potter, resident gryffsexgodboywholived, had with Draco Malfoy, residentslythsexgodjrdeatheater. By the way, how the hell did Pansy know the Barney song? Isn’t she a muggle hating jrdeatheater too?
Disclaimer: I do not own the barney song, but I am seriously considering purchasing a Harry Potter and a Draco Malfoy for my very own. However, because I am a poor college student I really don’t think that JKR is going to be interested in anything I have to offer. Damn.
Pansy Parkinson was furious. Draco Malfoy was hers! Dammit, and none should forget that. Who did these little girls think they were to try to take her Draco Malfoy away from her? Well she would show them. She went to her dorm room, changed out of her school uniform into a slinky low cut dress, redid her makeup, and put perfume on her pulse points. Hmmph. No one could resist her now, especially not her Draco.
As Pansy walked down the stairs into the common room, she gathered quite a few appreciative glances. These built up her confidence and gave her a resolute step. She found Draco in the library. With Ginny Weasley. The muggle lover. She walked over behind him and put her arms around him and pressed her ample chest to his back, clearly giving him a message. She then licked his ear and whispered, “Draco”. Suddenly she was on the floor, but not quite in the manner she had hoped.
“Parkinson what in the bloody hell do you think you’re doing? Never ever and I repeat, never touch me again!” Draco was furious and a little flabbergasted. He sneered at her, “You aren’t worthy of me Parkinson.”
Pansy got up and ran out of the library back to her dorm room, crying. On the way there she ran smack dab into Harry Potter. “Potter, I hate you but if I didn’t would you think I’m pretty?” “Well Pansy, pretty as pretty does, but don’t you know I’m, I’m, Well, I play for the other team.” Pansy began to cry some more. “is every effen’ cute guy in this school gay or taken? No one likes me, not Draco and not Potter. I hate you!” and with a slap to his face and a scathing glare she took off to her dorm.
Now they say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and Pansy had been, in her mind, rejected twice within five minutes by the two hottest guys in school. One apparently for a muggle loving witch and the other for other guys. Potter she could maybe forgive, after all she already hated him and knew that even if he had said yes I love you with a deep abiding love will you marry me and have me do your every whim, she still would have not taken him. He was not Draco.
Draco. Now he was going to get it. He had no excuse, he wasn’t gay, he just didn’t want her and had told her so in front of the entire library and Ginny Weasley. That was not forgivable. He had humiliated her. Now what could she do to him that would totally ruin him and preferably bring him crawling back on his hands and knees to her.
Draco looked at the swinging doors that his housemate had just departed through. He turned to Ginny who was sitting at the table with eyes as wide as saucers and mouth dropped. “Quite a show she put on ehh?” She recovered quickly, “are you going to tell him?” “Of course, we’ll probably get a pretty good laugh out of it.”
Just then Harry Potter walked purposefully into the library. He had a red handprint on his face. He pulled up a chair beside Ginny, gave her a kiss on the cheek, and then turned to Draco. “Dray, you will never guess what just happened to me.” “It better not be an orgasm, cause only I am supposed to give you those,” came the soft smooth aristocratic drawl. Just then Ginny interrupted, “guys, a little T.M.I. here”. “Sorry Gin, but truth’s truth.”
As Harry shared what had happened in the hallway, Draco used his foot to run up and down Harry’s leg, distracting him. When it was Draco’s turn, Harry did something involving his foot and Draco’s torso that was even more distracting to him, turnabout being fair play. Afterward they all sat there and laughed quietly, as to not garner attention from the pinched faced librarian, Harry Potter, his boyfriend Draco Malfoy, and their best friend, the only one who knew the truth about their relationship, Ginny Weasley. Draco was posing as Ginny’s “boy friend” and Harry was her “concerned friend”.
Meanwhile Pansy was racking her brain. Stupid Potter being gay, Stupid Draco being not gay…. Wait a minute, what if everyone thought that Dracky was gay and with…. with Potter! Hmm, now how to let everyone know. Pansy knew that no one would believe her if she tried to start the rumor, everyone would just think that she was mad because he didn’t want her, which was the case but wasn’t too conducive to rumor spreading.
Just then an owl swooped down and pecked on the window of Pansy’s dorm. It was from her older sister, who was married and had triplets who were 18 months. She wrote about how she had had to get rid of two more house elves because they weren’t being careful with the kids, yada yada yada, and how she had to hire that stupid muggle babysitter again who let her kids watch “Barney” and something called “bob the built”.
Pansy’s mind went back to her summer vacay that she had spent part of with her sister. After watching Merlin only knows how many episodes of “Barney” with her sisters kids muggle babysitter, it had taken poor Pansy two weeks at the spa in Paris to rid herself of that ever catchy tune of evilness known as the “Barney Song”. She could still remember it, I love who, you love tea, we’re a napping family, with a great sit duck and a hit from me to you won’t you spray a Kalamazoo, or something like that.
Suddenly something happened to Pansy Parkinson, something that had never happened before. Pansy Parkinson had an epiphany! She reached for a piece of parchment and a quill, now to plan the words.
Ron and Hermione who had been going out for three months now had also been exclusively wrapped up with each other for three months now. So it was a complete surprise to them to find out that a.) Ginny was dating Malfoy the Ferret, b.) Harry was gay, and c.) Malfoy the Ferret was cheating on Ginny with Harry. How did they find this out? Well it happened like this.
Pansy knew what charm she needed, the problem was she did not have a photographic memory and she did not remember the exact incantation for the spell, so off to the library went Pansy. Ron and Hermione were in their favorite snogging/studying spot in the library when she walked in and they both started at one of the signs of the apocalypse; Pansy Parkinson, Slytherin slut, entering the library.
Ron slid behind another row of books and followed her to a table in the back of the library, unseen. Suddenly Pansy began to mumble to herself. Ron strained his ears, wishing with all his heart for his extendable ears, which at this moment were safely ensconced in his trunk in Gryffindor tower. He caught a few words. “…Draco and Weasley girl nancing about…” what? Why would Ginny be with Malfoy? Ron tilted his head towards the muttering girl again. “… Potter…fucking gay…. Draco too… Weasley girl so oblivious…secret relationship.”
Wait one bleeding minute! Harry was gay? Ginny was going out with Malfoy! Malfoy was gay? Secret relationship with who? Was it Ginny and Harry, Ginny and Malfoy, or Harry and Malfoy? Ron blanched at the last one.
Pansy, who had been cackling over her seriously evil plans finally found the spell, copied it down and ran out of the library.
Ron made his way back to his girlfriend, doing a relatively good imitation of a fish. When he told Hermione what had happened, and exactly what Pansy had said she told him that she would get to the bottom of it with Gin, and he should go ask Harry. They went their respective ways.
4 hours later Hermione met up with Ron. “I couldn’t find Ginny, did you find Harry?” When Ron replied in the negative, Hermione sighed. It seemed from what Pansy had said that Ginny was dating either Harry or Malfoy, and both Harry and Malfoy were gay and whichever one was dating Gin was cheating on her with the other boy. Either that or they were all in one big orgy.
When Hermione told Ron her conclusions he fainted and had to be taken to the infirmary where he was treated for shock and subsequently missed the most entertaining supper Hogwarts had seen in over 100 years.
At supper that evening Pansy’s plan went like clockwork… to a certain point.
Draco had sat down at the head of the table, as was his wont, and started supper. When he reached for his drink the plan went into action. To the astonishment of everyone except Albus Dumbledore and Pansy, Draco disappeared from his table and reappeared on the teachers’ table. His uniform had undergone some…. revisions.
Instead of the customary black robe with the elegant Slytherin badge on it, Draco was adorned in a man-thong with a plushy ferret in a very strategic place. A mirror had been place near him and he was freaking out as he caught sight of himself. Harry’s eyes glazed over.
McGonagall cleared her throat and spoke at the same time Snape did, “Mr. Malfoy” the two voices rang out. Draco turned and looked at them with a haunted expression in his eyes that explained clearly to them that he was not under his own power. At that same instant every professor noticed that they could not move their arms, and therefore could not remove the charm on Draco.
Then Draco, his body still not under his command, began to gyrate his hips and thrust his pelvis in and out. While he was doing this mortifying dance a song started playing from nowhere. Out of Draco’s mouth came the barney song and all of the muggleborns recognized the tune immediately, however, as Hermione noted, the words seemed to have been changed a bit.
With a desperate look in his eyes, Draco was made to sing these words. I love me, I love me, I’m as narcissistic as can be, if you make fun of me I’ll hex you in the head, Harry Potter knows I’m great in bed.
He sang it twice through, then stopped, as the charm was lifted. He ran out of the room as the teachers regained their equilibrium. As one every eye turned to Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley who were sitting side by side. Harry’s mouth was hanging open and Ginny seemed to have an expression of pure glee on her face.
This is where Pansy’s plan started to go awry. Harry closed his mouth, stood up, cast the sonorous charm on his self and spoke to the Great Hall. “Thank you for your support of Draco’s and my relationship. He was very worried what all of our friends would think, and although this was not the way we planned to tell everyone, we are very glad that our friends are behind us. Thank you for your time. Quietus.” He gave a hugely grinning Ginny a peck on the cheek and ran out the Hall after Draco to “console” him.
Dumbledore stood, “Well, that certainly was an interesting development. If Miss Parkinson would come and see me after dinner to discuss a few things I would appreciate it. Now let us continue with our supper.”
Two days later Pansy received a bouquet of pansies and a card from one Harry Potter, thanking her for the “lovely show with the thong”. Pansy really didn’t seem to appreciate the gesture.