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Cordylosophies

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Summary: Cordelia gets a new lease on life after her death on Earth.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Star Wars > Cordelia-Centered(Moderator)JoeHundredaireFR181225,3151111355,04629 Aug 061 Mar 12No
CoA Winner

In Trouble, You Are

IllustrationTitle: Cordylosophies
Author: JoeHundredaire (joehundredaire@tthfanfic.org)
Rating: R/FR18.
Pairings: Cordelia Chase/Hiskari Dorset
Disclaimer: Right, I actually went and checked to be sure this time… Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel: the Series, and all associated characters belong to Fran and Kaz Kuzui. And of course, that misogynistic bastard named George Lucas owns everything Star Wars. Hiskari Dorset is all mine, though, so I won't be terribly amused if I see her popping up in stories that aren't mine without being asked first.
Joe's Note: Strange, this story is. Too much rum, did I drink. Scare you, my mind may. And if you're racking your mind trying to figure out where Hiskari came from, she's an OC. She was designed for Carry You Home and has gone through a few revisions over different appearances. Still mine, though.



     "In the past, exceptions we have made. Yet called before the Council, you are again. Resolved for good, I declare this issue must now be."

     Cordelia Chase rolled her eyes before pointedly staring out one of the massive windows of the High Council Chamber at the cityscape of Coruscant instead of meeting the eyes of those she'd been called before. When the Powers-That-Kept-Screwing-Her-Over had offered to reincarnate her in another universe as an apology for that whole Jasmine debacle and the final death of her body on Earth, she'd jumped at the chance. Because honestly, at least in her opinion, the afterlife wasn't all it was cracked up to be. All white and glowy and peaceful? Who in their right mind would want to spend all of eternity doing something so… well, boring? There was no point to it. Sitting around all day, watching the living. Ugh. It was like a soap opera with even worse actors than a real soap opera. And what was the use of being able to see the newest fashions before they hit the runways if she wasn't even corporeal enough to buy them?

     The Powers had told her it was a reward and so she'd assumed they weren't going to send her to Vampire Willow's universe or something. What was the worst that could happen? A trip to the infamous universe without shrimp? And she'd get to see all her friends again, even if they were a bit different. So she'd gone for it.

     Evidently, though, 'another universe' wasn't the alternate universe she'd assumed. Oh no, they'd sent her literally to another universe entirely, where she'd been incarnated as a seventeen-year old local girl. In some cosmic joke, she'd ended up as part of that universe's main group of do-gooders. Except they were a lot more emotionally repressed than the Angel Investigations crew had been, even during the worst of Angel's broody phases.

     And they had much worse fashion sense, which took some doing compared to her last motley crew of companions: a vampire who couldn't see his own reflection to see how awful he looked sometimes, a former watcher, a half-demon, a street rat, and a girl who liked to hole up in her room and write on the walls. But the Order's fashion sense and mad-on for utterly unflattering shades of brown was a matter for another time, when she wasn't getting bitched at by them for having fun. "Seriously, it was her idea to have sex in the training room. She wanted it, I wanted it, I'm already legal and she's close enough for government work… where's the problem?"

     "Almost old enough and yet not actually old enough under the law, mind you." Adi Gallia tilted her head and regarded Cordelia with the eerily dispassionate look the brunette was becoming all too familiar with seeing on the faces of the older Jedi. Honestly, she knew they were annoyed with her. Who did they think they were fooling by busting out their best statue imitations? "They are not the same thing, Jedi Chase."

     "Uh huh. So she's close enough to being an adult that you don't mind sending her out to die on missions for the good of the Republic, but she's not old enough to sleep with me without getting in trouble?" Cordelia huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. "And I thought Bush came up with some ridiculous stuff. I'd take 'No Child Left Behind' over 'No Jedi Can Unwind' any day of the week. Speaking of days of the week, you guys still haven't explained to me why the five day weeks you use make sense. It's not even like you have a year with the right number of days so it breaks down evenly for you…"

     Steepling his fingers beneath his chin, Mace Windu stared at her and neatly ignored her attempt to derail the conversation as he continued to press the Council's point. "Her age and the laws of the Republic are only a secondary problem in this matter. Attachment is forbidden. Your relationship violates the Jedi Code and we have already spoken to you once about the matter. Yet you and Padawan Dorset continue to grow closer. Your failure to deal with the situation of your own accord means that we are now forced to take care of the matter for you."

     Cordelia was again struck by the resemblance between Mace Windu and Samuel L. Jackson from back on Earth. Mace wasn't too fond of her, though. Probably owing to the time she'd loaded a crate of snakes onto his shuttle to see how he dealt with 'motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking ship'.

     He had not been amused.

     "What, are you threatening to kick me out of your little club or something? Moi? You know you're stuck with me. Even if the patients in the nearest local mental hospital have better emotional control, I was incarnated directly as one of your padawans." Cordelia paused and looked around before gesturing to herself. "Forget your emo little Chosen One, ladies and gentleman and assorted weird alien beings, I'm a gift from the Force."

     "Return you, I wish we could." It was only her years of learning to listen very careful for signs of sneaking vampires that let Cordelia pick up Yoda's muttered complaint. Raising his voice to normal levels, he continued. "Aware of your unique origin, we are. Saddled with your presence, the Jedi Order very well may be. Yet… with Padawan Dorset, inappropriate your behavior is. Stop it, you must. Required in the Order, her presence is not."

     It took Cordelia a moment to translate from gnome-speak to Basic. "So what, you're threatening to kick Hiskari out if we continue to see each other?" She pondered the injustice of it all for a moment before her she remembered something and fixed Yoda with an indignant look. "Wait. I know of at least two-dozen different padawans I've caught getting horizontal with each other. Why aren't they being called in to get bitched at?"

     The gathered Jedi Masters looked at each other and their unease was plainly detectable through Cordelia's growing connection with the Force. Someone had an answer that they didn't actually want to tell her. Finally, Shaak Ti let out a low growl of annoyance and broke the stalemate. "To be a Jedi does not require you to be celibate, Jedi Chase. It is solely attachment that's forbidden."

     "Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute." Cordelia held up her hand as she stared at Shaak Ti in disbelief, trying to figure out whether the Togruta meant what Cordelia thought she meant. Because if she did… either she had the perfect Get Out of Jail Free card or was looking at one awesome opportunity from here on out. "So I can have sex with padawans - and knights and masters if they'll have me - as long as I don't date them? That's the message here?" Shaak Ti just gave her a grin full of sharp teeth even as the other masters suddenly found the world outside the chamber's windows fascinating. "That… is… fucking awesome. No pun intended. Oh my God, I'm going to have to make a To-Do List. Alright, give me a second… lemme think… okay, here's the plan. As soon as I leave, call Hiskari up here and kick her out of the Order. It'll save me the trouble of having to dump her."

     Eleven other heads snapped to stare at her so fast Cordelia was worried they'd all get whiplash. "Your abrupt reversal of opinion on this matter is… unsettling. And a 'To-Do List'?" Mace looked vaguely discomfited by the phrase, even though she knew it was unfamiliar to him. "What exactly do you mean?"

     Cordelia clapped her hands together as she looked around the room, grinning widely. "Do you know how many amazingly hot padawans you have running around the Temple right now? Both guys and girls? With the exercise program you've got us all on, you could probably run the galaxy's top modeling agency. If I'd known that dating was taboo but sleeping around was cool with you guys, I would have started bed-hopping a long, long time ago. I mean, I know Master Ti's got a Mini-Me running around, I've met a lot of guys here who are positively delish, and there are at least five different flavors of Twi'lek in the Temple right now. Maybe I'll go taste the rainbow." By now the masters were all looking incredibly uncomfortable, but Cordelia decided to go for the kill by making things personal. "Or… why waste my time on a bad copy when I can have the original? Master Ti, there's this Corellian restaurant I've been wanting to go off-grounds to visit ever since I began reading about galactic cuisine. I'm not allowed to leave without an escort. What are you doing tomorrow evening..?"

     "In the past, we have made exceptions for your living quarters, your education, and your desire to embrace current galactic fashions instead of traditional robes." Eeth Koth closed his eyes for a moment, head tilted to one side, before opening them against to stare at her. "I'm believe that in light of the relevant new information you've brought before the Council regarding your case, we should make another exception for your relationship with Padawan Dorset, just as Master Mundi has received special dispensation regarding his wives due to the nature of Cerean society. All in favor?" His hand and eleven others shot up into the air. "All opposed?" None. "I believe the matter has been resolved. You're dismissed."

     Bouncing up and down a few times, Cordelia grinned. "Now was that so hard? If you'd just figured that out the last time we had this conversation, we could have saved us all some time." Looking around, Cordelia waited but nobody spoke up to dismiss her and so she jerked her thumb back over her shoulder toward the turbolift. "Well, I should probably get back. You guys pulled me out of a training session. An actual one that is, not one of my fun little 'training sessions' with Hiskari. This was fun. We should to it again sometime." Before one of the masters could answer, she hustled over to the turbolift. Pressing the right button, she gave the assembly a wide smile before disappearing from view.



     "Tricked, I believe we were." Yoda frowned as he turned his hover chair to face the shadowy alcove behind him. "Shame do I feel."

     A figure emerged from the darkness, cloaked in the standard brown robes of a Jedi. "Hiskari Dorset is my padawan. At least with the present situation, Jedi Chase's oddness is contained to just one other member of the order." J'Mikel gestured to Eeth Koth, then Shaak Ti. "I personally believe we should choose to look at this outcome as a victory: I've seen her looking at your Padawan Tod, Master Koth, to say nothing of the individuals she mentioned outright. If we had to choose, would you rather see Jedi Chase with Padawan Dorset or hopping from padawan to padawan and infecting others with her bizarre ideals and vocabulary?"

     "No."

     "Nope."

     "Most certainly not."

     "A good point do you have."

     "I find myself… conflicted. I actually have been meaning to visit the restaurant that Jedi Chase mentioned, and having someone to pick up the tab for me would have been nice." All attention turned to Shaak Ti, who merely shrugged. "Even after several months of intense effort, we have been unable to locate the origin of her seemingly limitless source of income, much less take steps to cut it off. Why not take advantage of it, rather than requisitioning Republic credits from the Temple quartermaster merely for dinner out?"
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