Title: Tears of Life
Summary: Draco journal entry.
Pairing: Draco and Harry … it going to be slash
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters in Harry Potter.
Warning: Um this story also mention a bit about child abuse. Plus dark and abusive Harry
I, Draco Malfoy, am writing a journal entry for the first time in my life and shockingly, I feel good about it. I was surprised when Potter handed me a gift this morning. He mumbled something about helping me express my feelings, and then quickly walked away before I could even insult him. He may have given me a gift but that doesn't mean I have to like him.
So here I am, using his gift. Well, there was nothing else to do! You know, out of all the things he could have given, he got me a diary. I could call it a journal but a diary is a diary. I'm just happy knowing that he cares enough about me to buy me a gift.
For the first time in my life, I can truly express myself without worrying about what other people say. As long as I can remember, I was taught to never express my feeling. According to my Father, expressing my feelings is a weakness and on many occasions he tried to beat it out of me or simply deny me of what I want.
I remember one occasion that I indicated I was hungry and my Father had denied me food for a whole day. I was five at the time. I remember being dragged down to the dungeons; I remember being afraid and alone at that time.
Well, the last part didn't change much, I still feel as sad and lonely as I was back then. I, Draco Malfoy, just wish for someone to care for me. Just once, I want to feel loved. I want to know what it would feel like to be in someone's arms. Knowing that they would protect me from harm. Do I wish for too much?
Father would be so angry, if he found out what I truly want. I don't think my father was all that bad though, I mean, sure he would hit me sometimes but he loved me in his own way. I guess that he just wanted the best for me.
As a child, I wasn't allowed to make any friends because there was no one that my father approved of. Before I came to Hogwarts, I was usually by myself or with my father. One of the few things about my childhood that wasn't a bad memory was when he used to let me stay in the study room with him. He really didn't care what I did, as long as I was quiet.
Well, he can't say much now. I grew up thinking of my father as one of the most powerful men in the world. He taught me that Malfoys were leaders, not followers, but in my fourth year I found out that he had been following orders from a madman. Any illusion of a powerful man that I had of him, disappeared.
I started to question everything that I believed in. I grew up thinking that muggles were beneath me but when I tried to think of the reason why, the only thing I could come up with, was "Because Father said so".
It was two months ago, that I made the biggest decision of my life. I decided that the life my Father planned out for me was just not going to work. The idea of following orders and bowing down to someone doesn't sound all that appealing to me.
The most surprising thing was the fact that my father didn’t kill me when I told him that. For the first time in my life he told me that he was proud of me. I didn't even understand his reaction; the worst part was when the news of his death appeared on the front cover of every newspaper the next day.
For the first time that I could remember, I had tears running down my face. I cried for a man that had beaten me for the past seventeen years of my life. What kind of sick person am I? I even miss him sometimes.
There are two people in the world that cause me pain like no other, the first person would be my father and the second is Potter. Since I declined to take the dark mark, I happened to find myself in the middle of a lot of accidents. Potter has never caused me any physical pain, however, he never stops Weasley or his fellow housemates from causing me pain either.
It was about a month ago when I tried to end my life. My father was gone, my Mother didn't even acknowledge my existence, and most of the people I used to hang around with were causing me pain. I didn't really have any reason to live back then.
Potter of course came to save the day, he gave me some hope. He became my friend in private, but he would never acknowledge me in public. It was like I was just his dirty little secret. Sometimes I would actually start to think that Potter truly cared for me but I knew that it could never be true. If he was truly my friend he would stop Weasley from hurting me.
It was only a few day ago that someone accidentally spilled a potion all over me. Weasley and Potter were ordered to take me to the nurse. However, Weasley held my arm really tight, causing the pain to be unbearable. I tried to push him away but I guess I wasn't strong enough. You know what the Golden Boy did? He simply shook his head at his friend.
I had always known what to expect from my father and the people around me, but Potter was different. I never really know what to expect from him. Sometimes, he would talk to me and sometimes he would totally ignore me. It's like he is two different people.
What causes my heart to ache the most is the fact that I love the time when he just talks to me. I like the fact that he tries to find the time to hang out with me and it makes me feel special.
He also has been acting all weird lately, too. Sometimes he will stand very close me and when he thinks I'm not looking at him, he stares at me; and what pisses me off the most is that we don't even fight properly anymore. Whenever I insult him, he simply ignores me, but if I insult Weasley he hurts me, and what makes matters worse is that I let him.
I know at the beginning I said I didn't like him, but I do. He is my first friend, did you know I had spend two weeks looking for a perfect Christmas gift for him? At the end I decided on a green scarf that matched his eyes. I was hoping he would like it but instead I saw Weasley using it.
I know it shouldn't matter but I spent time looking for that gift for him, even if he didn't like it he shouldn't have rubbed it in my face. I don't know if Potter is just really thick sometimes or if he likes the fact that he can hurt me.
I guess I will never really know what's going on in his mind. I won't say anything about the scarf or the fact that he doesn't stop his housemates from hurting me.
I'm just afraid that he will never talk to me again. I'm afraid to be alone again.