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This story is No. 3 in the series "Nickels and Dimes: Ficlet Collections". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: Multiple fandoms, multiple characters, multiple Five Things responses. See first page for index of fandoms, characters, and prompts. (Newest: "4 Women Who Kissed Daniel Unexpectedly, and 1 Time He Made the First Move")

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Multiple Crossings > Non-BtVS Crossovers(Recent Donor)jedibuttercupFR131814,19713431,91021 Sep 0629 Jun 10No

NOTE: This chapter is rated FR15

5 Embarassing Things That Happened to SG1 Offworld

Title: Five Embarassing Things That Happened to SG-1 Offworld (That They've Never Mentioned In The Reports)
Author: Jedi Buttercup
Rating: FR-15
Category: Stargate SG-1
Notes: Not mine. Crack!fic. Spoilers through Season 7. Requested by lt_kitty.

Five Embarassing Things That Happened to SG-1 Offworld (That They've Never Mentioned In The Reports)

1) Wardrobe Malfunction

The less said about the mission to the Planet of the Cotton-Eating Bacteria, the better. General Hammond had raised an eyebrow when they had returned wearing dubious-looking leather clothing, but Daniel had simply informed him that it was a requirement of native custom, and that any future teams to that world had better embark similarly dressed or risk embarassment.

It had taken *weeks* for Colonel O'Neill to stop making bad jokes in Sam's hearing about "springing a flat", but it was hardly her fault that her bra had been the first thing to go!

2) Linguistic Puzzle

Every so often, the verbal translating function the Ancients put into the Stargates fails miserably, and Daniel, master of twenty-some-odd languages, gets to sharpen up his skills. Jack usually spends a lot of time on such missions standing around, gripping his P90, and listing for an ominous change in the tone of Daniel's voice... except for one rather memorable occasion.

The official mission reports only say that Colonel O'Neill assisted Dr. Jackson in deciphering the code the natives were using to disguise their speech. Since the villagers had been using it as a test of their visitors' intelligence and friendliness and immediately began speaking "English" afterward, there was no need to embarass the team's linguist on paper.

Unofficially, Jack has never let his friend live down that fact that *he* realized the natives were using an elaborate version of Pig Latin before Daniel did.

3) Allergic Reaction

And then there was the planet with the intoxicating pollen. They couldn't quite avoid mentioning the source of the problem in their reports, but they did keep their mouths shut about exactly how the plants' effects manifested. Daniel, the only one of them not seriously affected due to the medication Janet had him on to combat his allergies, had been in possession of the video recorder on that trip.

He later succesfully traded his rights to the footage for an improved coffee supply at the mountain.

4) Domesticated Canine

And then there was the planet without cows or horses, whose villagers raised dogs the size of small ponies to serve as beasts of burden.

One of them decided it liked Teal'c very much indeed.

and... 5) The Furlings

There's a reason the Tau'ri have never officially discovered the location of the Furlings: it's because SG-1 already found them, judged them to be as unlikely to provide advanced technology as the Nox, and vowed never to so much as breathe a word of the encounter to anyone else. As far as Hammond and the rest of the SGC were concerned, they'd spent a nice, boring three days chasing down hints of naquadah on a mountainous planet that had turned out to be too insignificant to be worth mining for.

Their silence wasn't because the Furlings asked them to keep it secret: in fact, the Furlings would be perfectly happy to accept visitors on a more regular basis.

Just *how* happy, the team tries very hard not to remember.

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