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Thing One and Thing Two

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Summary: Veronica and Wallace were walking down the streets of LA. It was night, so that was their first mistake.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Veronica Mars > GeneralloyaleskamoeFR152363,66916222,47125 Sep 0625 Jan 10No

Chapter Two

When Wallace woke up it was to the sound of beeping and muttering.  The former was coming from a heart monitor.  The later was coming from Veronica.  

She hadn't noticed he was awake and was staring at her laptop with her 'I'm not going to stop until I pass out or until my dad makes me' look.  Wallace used this rare unguarded moment to wonder at this crazy girl who befriended him.

He frowned slightly at the livid bruise on her face, but was otherwise satisfied she was all right.  After a couple of moments, he decided make his presence known.  

Putting on his best Veronica Mars impression, complete with head tilt, he asked, "Watcha doing?"  

Startled, Veronica let out a nervous little squeak. "Oh.  Hey, Wallace," she said after a second, smiling that he'd woken up, before going went right back to work. 

"Did I miss something?" Wallace asked, confused.  "Shouldn't you be weeping over my broken body?"  

Not even looking up this time Veronica responded with a resounding no. "But I did sign your cast.  Look."  

Wallace did, and to his horror, it read: "To my hero," with hearts and puppies all around it.  Dumbfounded, the poor, emasculated young man could only stare. "That is by far the most girly thing I have EVER seen.  Is that lavender?"   

"Sorry, but they were all out of pink," Veronica informed him regretfully.  

For now, Wallace decided to pretend it didn't exist.  It was just easier that way.  After shaking his head, he realized some things.  He REALLY needed to not shake his head any more because it hurt.  And Veronica was, again, focused on her laptop.

"What are you working on anyway?  Seeing as you ain't got no love for a brothah."

Arching an eyebrow, Veronica pointed out factually that she had plenty of love.  "Hearts and puppies, remember?  As for your question, I'm looking for our mysterious rescuers."

That was interesting.  Wallace sat up. "Find anything?"  


"Really? What?" he asked, getting excited.  

Veronica finally stopped working and looked at her best friend.  "How much do you remember from last night?"

Wallace laid back down, his excitement deflated and replaced by a miserable expression. "You mean, other than the doctors telling me that my arm is so messed up I won't be able to play ball this year?  If ever."  Feeling horribly guilty Veronica tried to apologize. "Not your fault so don't even start.  After what they said?  I'd do it again in a heartbeat." Now it was Wallace's turn to feel guilty. "If it even mattered what I did."  

"Of course it mattered!"  

He snorted in disbelief "Because we aren't in a hospital, and you don't have the biggest bruise I have ever seen on a female's face that wasn't on an episode of CSI."  Wallace raged on, absolutely disgusted with himself. "I got beat and tossed aside like a baby!  So don't tell me it mattered, Veronica!"  

"It matters to me," Veronica told him quietly. 

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, Wallace just changed the subject. "Look, could you just tell me what you found?  Leave the rest of it alone, at least until later?"  With a nod, she agreed and went back to her original question.  Thinking about it, he told her most of the night after the unfortunate arm breaking was kinda blurry.  "But I do remember the blond dude talking about how the other guy was going to be eaten by his girlfriend.  If that helps."

Veronica opened her mouth to comment, but thought better of it. "And moving right along, I just happen to know their names.  Blondie is Spike, the other one is," she paused, smiling a little "...Angel."  

"Hold up!  What was that?"  Veronica gave Wallace a confused look.  "That little pause when you said "Angel."  His eyes widened in realization. "You have a crush!" Wallace proclaimed with no small amount of glee.

"I do not have a crush!" the teenaged girl denied, blushing furiously. "In case you didn't notice I already have a boyfriend." 

Looking smug, he went on. "Yeah, you do.  But he's not here, is he?  Veronica Mars:  Pimp Momma!  Watch out, LA!"

"Are you insinuating that I may be of a promiscuous nature?" she asked in a slightly dangerous tone.  

A tone which Wallace completely ignored. "I would've gone with something a little classier like ho bag, but okay."

Glaring a glare that promised sweet and salient revenge, Veronica continued her exposition.  "I googled their names but found, like, a billion different websites.  Almost all of it greeting cards and hardware stores.  Then I remembered the axe guy's name.  Charles Gunn."  Wallace interrupted to ask when she found that out.  "After Spike and Angel showed up.  Angel called him 'Gunn' and Spike Called him 'Charlie boy'.  So I did a little cross referencing and came up with this."  She stopped to show him her screen.  

"Wolfram and Hart," read Wallace.  "The lawyers?"

"That's them," Veronica confirmed, looking pleased with herself. "And take a look at who's on the top of the chain." 

"Angel.  HE'S a lawyer?" asked Wallace looking doubtful.  

Shrugging, Veronica said she didn't know, but it looked like he at least was one once.  "It's not an official company site.  I checked to the actual Wolfram and Hart page, and there's no mention of Angel, Spike, or Charles Gunn.  This one doesn't seem like it's been updated in a while, plus it sounds kinda conspiracy theory-ish, and it doesn't mention Spike at all either, but it's the best I could find.  It does, however, list the various department heads for when Angel worked there.  Our Mr. Gunn was the head of security.  According to the site, Wolfram and Hart have their own personal swat team."

Now Wallace was really confused. "What does a law firm need with security like that?  And why put a lawyer in charge of it?"  

Before Veronica could respond, a nurse came in to check on Wallace. "Oh good!  You're awake!" she exclaimed cheerfully.  "How are you feeling?" And before the young man could say anything, she stuck a thermometer in his mouth and told him not to talk for five minutes.  

Moving to his cast, she kept a non-stop stream of information flowing from her mouth.  She told him what kind of medication he was currently on, how often he should take them, how adorable the hearts and puppies looked, and what not to take the medication with.  

Finally stopping to breathe, she told Wallace to cheer up. "I'm sure you'll be back on the football fields in no time, sweetie!" And with one final pinch to the cheek and a wink, she was gone.

"She forgot the thermometer," noted Veronica.


After the nurse left the room, she went into the employee lounge where she met up with Angel and Spike.

"How did it go?" Angel asked. 

When the nurse replied, it was with none of the cheerfulness or warmth that she displayed earlier. "Everything proceeded according to your plan."

"Great!" Spike said suddenly, getting right in her face. "Now you can take off that ridiculous outfit and go back to not looking like my dead friend."

Eye's narrowing, the nurse pushed Spike out of her personal space. "Careful, vampire.  I have slaughtered more for less." 

"Spike," warned Angel, getting between them. "You knew the plan, that Illyria had to look like Fred in order to leave the bug." 

"I know!  It's just…" Trailing off, Spike sighed. "I can't stand seeing her like that.  Like she's still Fred and not the thing that killed her."

"Why does my assuming the Burkle persona disturb you now when before it didn't?" Illyria questioned.

Chuckling darkly, Spike told her. "I didn't actually see you like this before now did I?  It's quite different in the flesh.  So to speak."

"Get over it," Angel said harshly.  "They know what you and I look like.  We needed to find someone they wouldn't recognize."

"What about your bitch?  They don't know who SHE is!" 

"First off all," Angel said, getting right in Spike's face. "You don't call her that.  Got it?  Secondly, Nina wouldn't be able to pull something like this off.  She's a terrible actress, and an even worse liar.  That's why her family figured out she's a werewolf."

"Whatever."  Spike sat down at the table to sulk.

Looking at the unhappy vampire, Illyria frowned.  "I do not know why you tolerate such behavior from your underlings, Angel."

Sighing, Angel admitted he didn't know why either.  


"You know, sometimes a thermometer is just a thermometer,"  Wallace commented as Veronica stared intently at said object.  "I mean, you do realize that was just in my mouth for like, ten minutes right?" Ignoring him, Veronica put the thermometer down and started muttering to herself again. "Really, Veronica, how paranoid are you?"  Wallace asked, getting a little frustrated with her.  After all, he was the one who was hurt.  Not that he would belittle what she went through, but a little attention would be nice. "Not everybody is out to get you.  So why don't you just put the thing down and we can get back to our conversation."

Turning to Wallace, Veronica pinned him with a look. "How many nurses do you know that take your temperature, but forget to look at the results?"

He gave her a one arm shrug. "Did you see her?  She didn't even know I play basketball.  She was flakier than my Great Aunt Sally after she gets into the cooking sherry. "

Veronica rolled her eyes. "You don't have a Great Aunt Sally.  But that's not the point."

"Okay, so what is?" Wallace asked.

"The point, my dear Wallace, is that not ten minutes before you woke up, a different nurse was in here doing nurse type things."

"So?" Wallace asked, still not getting it.

"So, the woman who was just here wasn't a real nurse,"  Veronica declaired with some triumph.

Laughing Wallace said that had to be the dumbest thing a smart person's ever said.

Veronica got up from her seat and headed to the door with a curious mixture of a pout and a glare on her pretty face. 

Wallace called to her. "I'm sorry.  Don't go."

Veronica turned to face him, now wearing a smirk. "Awww," she teased. "Is the widdle Wallace scared he hurt my feelings?  Well you can relax, ex-lax.  I'm just going to the nurses station to prove myself right."

"Be my guest," he responded, relieved she was fine, and winced a little. "And when you do find that nurse, tell her to send her flaky ass back in here.  My meds are starting to wear off."  
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