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Thing One and Thing Two

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Summary: Veronica and Wallace were walking down the streets of LA. It was night, so that was their first mistake.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Veronica Mars > GeneralloyaleskamoeFR152363,66916222,47125 Sep 0625 Jan 10No

Chapter One

Veronica Mars and Angel belong to Rob Thomas and Joss Whedon respectively.  I am not either of those fine and creative gentlemen.


Veronica and Wallace were walking down the streets of LA.  It was night, so that was their first mistake.  Their second was being too loud.  

"I'm telling you, Veronica, we're lost!"  

"And I'm telling you we're not,"  Veronica replied in a rather waspish sorta way.

Wallace raised his eyebrows and threw on a highly offended look.

"Oh stop it," she said after seeing his face, "I'm the one who should be offended.  You apparently think I forgot how to read a map."  

Wallace grinned.  "My fault.  You're THE Veronica Mars.  All right then, oh great detective, maybe you can tell me a couple of things.  Like say ... where we are, and how we got here?" 

Not missing a beat Veronica replied, "LA, and if you don't know how we got here, then you didn't pay attention in sex ed."

"Oh I did!" Wallace assured with certainty, "I paid attention every time Lena Johnson would come to class in one of her painted on t-shirts.  Mmm, I was studying both her birds AND her bees!"  

Now it was Veronica's turn to look offended.  "Why, Wallace," she said in an exaggerated southern accent. "When we run off together, you swore to me you'd be faithful!  Pa was right about you."  

He just rolled his eyes at her.  "You figured out where we are yet?  My feet are starting to hurt."  

"I thought you were a big time baller, so how can your feet hurt from just a little walking?"  Veronica asked. 

But truth be told (just not to Wallace) her feet were hurting too.  Plus she was starting to get a little worried.  She really did know how to read a map, but for some reason the map wasn't making any sense to her.  

Wallace, of course, wasted no time in pointing out that she didn't answer his question. 

Just when Veronica was going to reply, a badly beaten man stumbled out of an ally and collapsed in front of them.  

He was bald, black, and in his mid to late 20's.  He looked to be about six feet tall and roughly 200 pounds.

Of course, it was hard to tell with him laying on the ground like that.  

Wallace went to help him up, but before he could, the man staggered to his feet.   Startled, the boy backed off.  

Now that he was standing, Veronica was able to get a good look at him.  Her earlier estimates looked about right, but what she didn't notice before was the black patch over his right eye and the great, big axe he was holding.

The man with the scary axe took one look at the suddenly very nervous duo and told them to run.  When they didn't move, he screamed it.  

Wallace jumped in front of Veronica while she pulled out her trusty taser.  

"My dad knows where we are," she told him, lying through her teeth and with only a little of the fear she was feeling in her voice, "If we don't show, he'll come for us!" 

Before axe guy could say anything, he was tackled from out of nowhere and slammed into the ground, hard, by someone who looked like he was a hundred pounds soaking wet.  

Their unknown rescuer looked them over, looked back down at the unconscious man, kicked his axe away, and called back into the ally.  

"I told you I heard someone!  Dude, you owe me a coke!"

Out of the shadows, another figure emerged.  This one looking like he was barely old enough for high school. 

"Whatever, man.  I don't owe you anything.  You almost let the white hat get away!" The skinny kid raised his eyebrows and threw on a highly offended look.  Rolling his eyes, the high schooler went on, "Dude!  The spell was working!  There was abso-friggin-lutly no reason he shoulda got away from us like that!  Unless of course you stop chanting and start looking for food."

The skinny kid tried to defend himself, but his buddy just shot him down, going into a full on rant. 

"We don't get paid unless we get the info that Morgan wants.  The info that this guy," he pointed at the now unconscious man, "has stuck in his enhanced brain!  We don't have any real fighting skills.  This dude could totally take us in a fair fight!  So, in the middle of our "interrogation," he paused making air quotes, "you stop, just because you can hear some dumb happy meals walking down the street!"

Confused and kinda scared, Wallace and Veronica tried to leave.  But before they got even three steps, the schoolboy was in front of them, blocking their escape.  

"Who are you," he demanded cooly.  

Wallace again stepped in front of Veronica. "Back off, man.  You don't want any of this." Veronica helpfully set off her taser as if to make his point.

The skinny kid started to laugh.  "Don't worry, pal, we won't rape her or anything."    

"Yeah," chimed in the schoolboy,"she'll probably be dead long before we put it to her."

"Oh God."  Veronica said, horror filling her eyes.

Wallace's response was a little less intimidated.  He threw a punch.  Incredibly, the schoolboy caught it, smiled, and then broke it.  All in one clean motion.

"Hell yes!!" cried the skinny kid.  "That's the way to be a bad ass, dude!"  

Still smiling, the schoolboy tossed Wallace aside like doll and made his way toward Veronica.  

She tried to get him with the taser, but was slapped for her effort.  On the ground now, she started screaming for help.  

Which made her two attackers laugh.  

"Dude, she screams like a girl," the skinny kid said in an attempt to be funny.

The schoolboy apologized to Veronica as he mounted her. "Sorry about that comment.  Pete's never been any good at speaking."  

The skinny kid, Pete, picked up a dazed and groggy Wallace and responded in a hurt tone. "Come on, Joe, that's not fair.  You know I always have trouble with witty banter."

"Witty banter requires speaking," Joe reminded him in a "duh" tone of voice.  

Pete just shrugged in response.  Wallace became more alert and tried to struggle, but stopped when Pete squeezed his broken arm.  

"Now listen, dude." Pete whispered into Wallace's ear loudly enough for Veronica to hear. "We, Joe and I, are going to kill you and your girlfriend.  We are going to drain you both dry.  But because you tried to hit my buddy, we're going to make you watch us do her first."  

With that horrifying statement Pete and Joe's faces changed.  

Later, Veronica wouldn't be able to put into words what she felt, seeing something like that.  One minute they looked normal, the next they were monsters.  

Their foreheads got bumpy, their teeth grew fangs, and they growled like animals.  But the worst, at least in Veronica's opinion, were the eyes that became a horrible, haunting yellow.  

It didn't matter to those eyes that she was going to be a freshman in college, or that she was just in LA for a vacation, or that her dad was going to be lost without her. 

They just stared at her, coldly, like she was nothing more than some thing that was put there for their pleasure.  

Veronica knew in that moment when she looked into those terrible, pitiless orbs, she was going to die.

Of course, she didn't.  

Just as Joe was pulling her head aside and leaning down, he stopped.  Sticking through his chest was a piece of wood.  He stared at it for half a second before exploding into what looked like dust.  

Out of nowhere (or maybe the sky) jumped down two guys.  Both were dressed in black.  Both wore long leather coats.  One had platinum blond hair.  The other had dark hair gelled to the max, causing it to stick up artfully.  

"Spike," ordered the one with the gelled hair, "Take care of Gunn while I check on the kids."

Veronica was startled to see Wallace on the ground, surrounded by falling dust.  Apparently Pete exploded too.

"Here!" Spike exclaimed indigently "Why do I gotta check on Charlie Boy and you get to chat up the pretty blonde?"  

And if Veronica wasn't in the worst state of shock in her life she might have been flattered.  As it was, she just giggled deliriously.

"Spike, just do it!"  The "or I make you very dead" was left unsaid.

Surprised at the tone, Spike did what he was told. "Come on, Charlie.  Lets get you fixed up some, yeah?"

While Spike tended to Charlie, the other one checked on Wallace.  After a moment, he pulled out a cell phone and called 911.  The man set Wallace's bone and made a rudimentary splint.  

Satisfied the kid wasn't in immediate danger, he then turned his attentions to Veronica.  She had yet to stand up, so he crouched down besides her.  He asked in a very gentle voice if she was hurt. 

Veronica  stuttered a response "Nuh, no.  I don't think so." 

"Good.  I'm glad.  My names Angel," he said in that same soothing way.

Again, Veronica kind of laughs. "An angel huh?  Who knew they used so much gel in their hair?" Angel glanced up at his hair embarrassedly, and Spike laughed while he performed makeshift first aid on Gunn.

Veronica looked over his shoulder and saw Wallace leaning against a wall. "How is he?" she asked worriedly .  

"Your friend's right arm is badly broken, and he seems to be in a state of shock.  He probably has a concussion too, but he'll be fine.  Help is on the way." Angel started to get up.

"Don't leave!  Please!" Veronica shrieked, grabbing at Angels arm.  

Angel patted her hand reassuringly. "We won't.  Not until the ambulances get here.  I promise." 

Meanwhile, Spike, finished with Charlie and double checked Wallace, muttering the whole time. "I'm Angel.  I just saved your life, you pretty thing.  Oh, Angel!  How can I repay you!  Ooh, I know just the way!  Take me!  Take me, you sexy man!  I'm sorry.  I can't because I'm dating a werewolf and if I take any nookie on the side she'll eat me.  Wanker." 

Despite the fact that he was probably concussed, Wallace stared at Spike like he'd never heard anything so ridiculous.  To be fair, he probably hadn't. 

 Satisfied by Angel's work, Spike went back to Gunn.  He looked worried, like he'd just noticed something wrong.  Checking him over again, Spike strode up to Angel, who was still holding Veronica's hand, and cleared his throat. 

"As much as I hate to burst this touching scene of nobility," and he did look kinda, sorta maybe a little regretful, "Chuck's in bad shape.  Worse than I thought initially.  If we don't get him to a doctor soon, he won't be hitting things with his neat hubcap axe anymore."  

Angel just smirked. "Spike, you did hear me say the ambulances were on the way right?  Or were you too busy bitching?"  

Spike glared back.  "Yeah, I heard.  But we can get him there faster.  Faster would be better.  Trust me."

Angel stood up. "He's that bad?"  Spike nodded. 

"It's all right.  I'm all right.  Go help your friend," Veronica said gathering herself.

She could honestly say she'd in situations like this before.  Definitely not as bad, but being stuck in a burning fridge while your dad tries to save your life really helps to prepare you for life's little adventures.  

Veronica got to her feet.  Angel didn't look too convinced, but she gave him a shaky smile and nodded her head in answer to his unasked question.

"Right then!" said Spike loudly, eliciting a startled yelp from Veronica and a glare from Angel "Off we go.  It's been a pleasure rescuing you, pet.  And for your information, I wasn't bitching.  I was giving accurate and insightful commentary on Hair Gel over here." Spike waved a jaunty salute and carried Charlie off.  

Angel smiled at Veronica, then followed.

Once they were out of sight, she let out a quite sob and sat next to her friend.  "God damn it, Wallace!  Why do you have to be so brave?"  

He looked at her, humor shining through pain filled and hazy eyes. "You know why, V.  The hero always gets the girls."  

Veronica laughed, it was a teary one, but with none of the hysteria of before, and leaned on Wallace's good arm.  

Together they listened as the sirens in the distance drew closer. 
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