VALENTINES ACROSS THE MULTIVERSE 3.
By Dave Turner.
STORY: WILLOW THE WHITE AND THE ELEVEN DWARVES.
Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS or Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
Crossover: BtVS with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves (the Disney version).
Spelling and Grammar: Written in glorious English, English! Spelling and grammar is English.
Timeline: Not really applicable.
Warnings: Lesbian relationship, minor violence and some strong language.
Summery: Rescue the Princess and get Half the Kingdom…they never taught me that in the Obsidian Order either!
Willow the White and the Eleven Dwarves.
Queen Elvera paced the throne room wringing her hands. It had been five weeks since she had sent out the offer to all eligible Handsome Princes; ‘SPECIAL OFFER! Rescue Princess Willow the White and get her hand in marriage plus half the Kingdom, FREE!’ Of course there had been the usual influx of good-for-nothing itinerant Princes out for a quick half a Kingdom.
Then there had been the bloodthirsty homicidal maniacs who the Queen would not wish on her worst enemy. She quite liked her stepdaughter so there was no way they were going to get any part of Willow the White’s anatomy; they certainly would not get one square foot of the Kingdom if she had anything to say about it!
“Fops and lunatics!” Muttered the Queen darkly. She had half a mind to ride into the forest and get her stepdaughter back herself. However, if she did that she would probably come back to find that the idiot King of a husband had pawned the Kingdom to buy more drugs! How had she got herself into this situation! She was a powerful Witch, and an intelligent woman, and here she found herself married to an indolent drug crazed moron of a king ruling over a Kingdom in the back of beyond.
“Excuse me your Majesty.” Said her Chamberlain; “There is one more candidate for you to see.”
“Which ones this?” Asked the Queen sighing.
“It’s…umm…it’s…” The Chamberlain seemed reluctant to say who the last candidate was.
“Come on man! Spit it out, I’ve not got all day!” She demanded.
“It’s…umm…Princess Kennedy of Mercia your Majesty!”
“Princess?” Replied the Queen in shock.
“Oh well,” Said the Queen shrugging her shoulders, “You might as well show her in. She can’t be any worse than any of the others I’ve seen today.”
The Chamberlain scurried over to one of the Pages that seemed to infest the Castle. The Page ran off to one of the Guards on the door, who listened for a moment to what the Page told him. He then opened the door and disappeared out of the throne room.
All the time the Queen sat on her throne thinking; ‘this is what’s wrong with the country! If doing something simple like showing someone into the throne room takes all this rigmarole. Imagine how long getting something important done would take. The Queen put her elbow on the arm of the throne and rested her head in her hand.
“This place will be the death of me.” She mumbled.
“The Princess Kennedy of Mercia!” Announced the Page from over by the door.
The Queen looked up to see a young woman stride across the throne room towards her. She was of about average height, with dark hair. She wore doublet and hose with one of those white shirts with the big puffy sleeves that were all the rage these days. On her head she wore a wide brimmed hat with an enormous feather in the hatband. On her legs she wore thigh boots, on her left hip she carried a Rapier on her right a dagger. She exuded an air of quiet confidence, as if there was nothing in the world that was badder than she was. While at the same time she did not appear to be a slavering homicidal idiot.
“I have to say,” Began the Queen, “You don’t look much like a Handsome Prince.”
Princess Kennedy bowed low sweeping her hat off her head and across the floor; she straightened up and looked at the Queen.
“I like to think of myself as an Attractive Princess, your Majesty.” She replied.
“So you think you’re man…sorry woman enough for the job?” Asked the Queen.
“I believe so, your Majesty,” Said Kennedy smiling at the Queen, “If you’d already got someone to do the job I wouldn’t be standing here now. So, you must be pretty desperate to even consider me!”
“You’re right, of course,” Sighed the Queen, “The standard of Handsome Princes has fallen since I was a girl…I mean just look at the King…Sheesh!”
Both women tutted and rolled their eyes.
“So,” Asked Kennedy, “What’s your problem?”
“My stepdaughter, the Princess Willow the White has been kidnapped by the Eleven Dwarves.” Said the Queen sadly, “At least I say kidnapped, I wouldn’t put it passed the King to have sold her to the little buggers for more drugs!”
Princess Kennedy pondered this for a moment.
“Eleven?” She said finally, “I thought…”
“Yes I know,” Said the Queen cutting off Kennedy in mid sentence, “Traditionally there’s only supposed to be seven. We got lucky…we’ve got eleven.” The Queen heaved a mighty sigh.
“Excuse me your Majesty,” Said Kennedy stepping closer to the throne, “But aren’t you and Willow the White supposed to be powerful Witches?”
“Yes,” replied the Queen sadly, “But those vicious little bastards have set up an Anti-magic force field all around the Great Forrest. I’m afraid magic’s no use.”
“Then why don’t you send the Army in?” Asked Kennedy, “Clear them out once and for all.”
“HA!” Laughed the Queen bitterly, “If only…the King sold all the Army’s arms and armour for more drugs months ago. I’ve only got these few guards here because I pay for them out of my own pocket.”
“Then by gad!” Kennedy slapped her thigh; “It looks like I’m your only hope!”
The Queen winced at the sound of the resounding slap Princess Kennedy had just given her thigh.
“Yes,” Agreed the Queen with a pained expression, “It looks like that.”
“The usual terms then?” Asked Princess Kennedy.
“Yep,” Agreed the Queen, “Half the Kingdom and the Princess’ hand in marriage…although.” The Queen hesitated for a moment. “Due to the, shall we say unusual situation here, I’d be a bad parent if I didn’t add a rider that if the Princess does not wish to ‘marry’ you she doesn’t have to. Alright?”
“She’ll want to marry me.” Replied the Princess.
“You sound very sure of yourself.” Said the Queen.
“I tend to get what I want your Majesty,” Replied the Princess, “And what I want is Willow!”
“Brat!” Said the Queen under her breath, aloud she said, “Oh well beggars can’t be choosers.”
“AHA!” Exclaimed Kennedy slapping her thigh again, “To the Great Forrest!” She turned to go then turned back to the Queen, “Which is which way?” She asked.
“Two days ride to the north,” Instructed the Queen.
“Right!” Kennedy slapped her thigh once more, the Queen wished she would stop doing that, it must really hurt.
“You’ll want this.” Said the Queen as she rummaged about in the cushions on her throne. Eventually she brought forth a crumpled piece of parchment; “It’s the wanted poster for those pesky dwarves.”
Princess Kennedy strode up to the Queen’s throne and took the poster from her hand.
“Have no fear Your Majesty!” Kennedy punctuated her comment with another thigh slap; the Queen winced. “I shall have the Princess back in the bosom of her family in two shakes of a dogs tail!”
“Indeed.” Replied the Queen, beginning to think that this was all a very bad idea.
“To the forest!” Princess Kennedy flourished her hat in the air, bowed low to the Queen and strode from the throne room.
“Oy vay!” Sighed the Queen as the door was closed behind the departing Princess.
Once the door to the throne room had been closed behind her Princess Kennedy bent and rubbed her thigh. She really needed to stop doing all this thigh slapping but it was something of a nervous habit. Limping she made her way down to the courtyard.
There standing obediently at the water trough was her charger ‘Primrose’. A great white warhorse that her father had given her when she was ten and Primrose was still a colt. When she was ten she had thought Primrose was a fine name for her ‘little pony’. Nowadays she was not so sure.
She walked up to Primrose patted him on the neck and then lept into the saddle. Pulling the horse around so they faced the main gate she cried;
“HI-HO PRIMROSE! AWAAAY!”
The horse reared up and they galloped out of the gate leaving a cloud of dust behind them. After galloping through the gate a thought struck Kennedy, she pulled Primrose up and turned to trot back to the gate. She looked down at the guard who stood there.
“North?” She asked.
The guard pointed.
“Thanks!” She said then galloped off leaving the guard coughing in a cloud of dust.
Willow took a swipe at the Bluebird with her broom. The bird flew out the window leaving a few blue feathers behind.
“And don’t you come back!” She screamed after the departing bird, “Crapping on my floor when I’ve just finished cleaning it.” She said to herself as she sat down tiredly in one of the kitchen chairs.
She did not know what was wrong with the wildlife around here. Leave the door open and blasted deer would wander in. Leave a window open and birds, squirrels and rabbits would find their way in to crap on her floors and nibble at any food that had been left out. As if looking after the eleven of the slobbiest dwarves in the world was not bad enough, she had to put up with incontinent wildlife.
She looked down at her red hands; they had once been white with nice nails, now they were rubbed red raw from washing countless pairs of socks. Then there was the cooking and cleaning and the washing up to do. If that was not bad enough there were a couple of dwarves who did not know to keep their dirty little hands to themselves.
Then there was the incessant whistling; whistle will you work, whistle as they all marched off to the Crystal Meth mine. Whistle as they washed up after a day in the mine; they even whistled while they slept! It was all slowly driving her mad. If she ever got her magic back, how they would pay!
At least when they were all down at the mine she had the cottage to herself, and Willow was too well bred a Princess to whistle. She just had to deal with the occasional insufferable Bluebird that flew in, sat on the back of a chair and started to whistle and crap on the floor.
“One day my Prince will come.” She sighed to herself. ‘Well if he didn’t come soon,’ she thought, ‘ she’d have something to say when he did! Oh by golly yes!’
A thought crossed Princess Willow’s mind. If no Handsome Prince turned up to save her soon, she would have to take matters into her own hands. She smiled to herself; Crystal Meth mines were very dangerous. Had she not heard that you had to be very careful about naked flames and such? Did not Crystal Meth mines explode at times? The Princess Willow smiled to herself, she felt better now than she had for some days.
In fact she had not felt so happy since she had caught Pervy’s hand in the mangle when he had tried to…well that was all in the past now. Willow looked up at the clock on the wall. She would have to start to make the Dwarves their evening meal soon.
“Hmmm,” She said to herself as she walked across the kitchen to the stove, “Poison!”
After all she was a Witch and she knew ‘stuff’. Willow laughed, then stopped when she realised her laugh had turned into a cackle!
The Queen walked into her personal apartments and closed the door behind her.
“Alone at last.” She sighed.
She took off her crown and threw it on her bed as she walked over to her dressing table. She removed the cover from her magic mirror and looked at herself. ‘Not too bad,’ she thought, were those lines around her eyes?
Sure enough on closer inspection she found tiny lines developing around her eyes. Next her boobs would start to sag and her waist would start to spread. She had found several grey hairs in her beautiful black hair the other day. She had not been surprised, trying to run a Kingdom while her so-called husband tried to wreck it. It was no wonder that Willow’s mother had died of a broken heart.
When Willow had been brought back to her they would have to talk. The Kingdom needed a strong ruler and not a drug drenched dimwit. The Queen could not take control, she was still very much the outsider. The Lords and the Commons would not stand for it…but Willow could do it. If she could just be made to see her father for what he was.
The Queen looked at herself in the mirror as she concentrated before casting the spell.
“Mirror, mirror on the wall,” She said, “Who is the fairest of them all?”
“Still Princess Willow,” The mirror reflected, “Mind you there’s a couple of milkmaids up in Athelshire that are coming along nicely!”
“Thank-you Mirror.” Replied the Queen, at least she knew that her stepdaughter was still alive.
“’Though you’re not bad for your age.” Continued the Mirror, “In fact you’re very attractive for someone…who…” The mirror’s voice petered out when it saw the look on the Queens face.
“Sorry.” It said at last.
“Thank-you Mirror that’ll be enough of that,” She instructed, “I want to know immediately if Princess Willow drops from her pole position. Now I’m going to go to bed, so no peeping while I undress.”
“Of course not your Majesty!” Exclaimed the Mirror as it pretended to switch itself off for the night.
Princess Kennedy polished her crossbow by the light of her campfire. She had made very good time on her journey and had only got lost once. She put down her crossbow and checked through her other weapons. Stake; just in case she met a Vampire. Silver dagger for those pesky Werewolves that prowled the night. Crossbow bolts, well those would kill most things. She wondered if there was anything she needed to know about dwarves.
She thought back hard to what her Watcher Sir Wesley had taught her; before he had had that most tragic accident with the new siege cannon. She smiled at the memory, then immediately told herself off. Laughing at other people’s unfortunate and extremely messy deaths was not the sort of thing a Princess and a Slayer did…however funny it was!
The Princess took out the wanted poster and unfolded it and held it up to the firelight so she could see it more clearly. ‘Know your enemy’, Sir Wesley had said…incessantly.
‘Doc’, said the poster; wanted for questioning concerning un-necessary surgery performed on several Gnomes in Strathclyde.
‘Sneezy’, a petty criminal with a cocaine habit.
‘Grumpy’, wanted in connection with a grudge killing in Wessex.
‘Dopey’, a well-known drug dealer.
‘Bashful’, he’d been an ‘enforcer’ for a gang up in Northumbria until the Watch had got on his trail and he had to flee south.
‘Sleepy’, no information on this one, it seemed that he was just wanted because he hung around with the others.
‘Happy’, another drug dealer.
‘Busty and Leggy’ two female Dwarves wanted in Suffolk for keeping a ‘disorderly house.’ Whatever one of those was.
‘Pervy’, he was wanted for ‘Sheep Worrying’ in Erin.
Finally there was ‘Sleazy’ king of the naughty wood cut industry.
Princess Kennedy had never seen such a collection of miscreants in all her days.
“Poor Princess Willow,” She said to the night air, “What terrible indignities are they heaping on you at this very moment I wonder?”
Princess Willow the White smiled to herself as she watched yet another of the dwarves make a mad dash for the privy. The mushrooms had been good but not quite powerful enough to take down the dwarves. Damn their hearty constitutions! But, it was only a matter of time before she found something more…lethal; maybe something to do with apples?
She heard a scream from the privy as she returned to her washing-up. She smiled a secret smile and sang a line from an old folksong to herself as she worked.
“And it burns, burns, burns,” She sang quietly, “The ring of fire, the ring of fire!”
It was the morning of the third day by the time Princess Kennedy got to that part of the Great Forest where the Dwarves had their lair. Finding a gang’s hideout had not been as easy as she had first thought. Just riding up to the first Yeoman she saw and asking for directions had not been one of her best ideas. At best the farmer would just look at her as if she was ‘mazed’, whatever that was. At worst she would get things thrown at her; and on one memorable occasion she had been chased by a mob, complete with pitchforks and torches.
She had taken to riding the forest in the hopes of noticing something amiss, which in due course she did. She had been riding through the deepest darkest part of the forest when she had heard singing. It was not very good singing, in fact it sounded as if the singers were singing for forms sake and would much rather be somewhere else.
Kennedy dismounted and tied Primrose’s reigns to a tree; all the time thinking that having a big white horse in a dark forest was another idea that was not so good. She flitted silently between the trees until she could see the dwarves marching down the track towards her.
Well, maybe not actually marching. More stumbling and staggering, they dragged picks and shovels behind them and every now and again one of the dwarves would totter out of line and throw-up by the side of the path.
“Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho,” They sang in very dispirited voices, “It’s off to work we go. With a bottle and a brick and a knife that flicks! Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho!”
They trudged towards Princess Kennedy’s hiding place, these must be the evil Dwarves that were holding poor innocent Princess Willow in bondage. With righteous anger in her heart Princess Kennedy sprang out in front of the lead Dwarf. She flourished her blade in his face.
The lead dwarf looked at the sword blade that was no more than two inches away from his nose. His eyes rolled up into his head and he felt to the ground in a dead faint.
“COWARDS! VARLETS!” Yelled Princess Kennedy as she jumped over the recumbent form of the first Dwarf and lunged at the next dwarf in line. Her rapier pierced the dwarves heart and he fell to the ground squirting blood all over the Princess’ boots.
The next few minutes was memorable for the amount of blood and severed limbs that sprayed, splattered and splashed the forest. Afterwards Princess Kennedy would remember that one or two of the dwarves had actually run onto her blade with a look of relief in their eyes. She imagined that even such evil creatures must yearn for release from the wicked lives they lived and would welcome death.
Covered in dwarf blood Princess Kennedy backtracked her way along the path until she came to the cottage where the dwarves had, until recently lived. She burst through the open front door to find Princess Willow up to her bloody elbows in the chest cavity of a deer that hung form a hook in the ceiling. She noticed freshly butchered rabbits and squirrels hanging from the rafters, and wasn’t that a plucked Bluebird?
“Princess Willow!” Called Princess Kennedy as she slid across the bloody floor until she came to a halt on one knee at Willow’s feet.
“Who the bleedin’ hell are you?” Cried Princess Willow as she brandish her razor sharp butchers knife and took a step back from the bloody apparition at her feet.
“I’m Princess Kennedy,” Replied Kennedy, “Your stepmother sent me to rescue you.”
“But you’re a girl!” Pointed out Willow un-necessarily.
“She couldn’t find a Handsome Prince she liked, so she sent me!” Kennedy replied breathlessly.
“Not a one?” Asked Willow.
“Nope,” Said Kennedy, “Fops and lunatics she called them.”
“Yeah,” Agreed Willow, “I have to say Handsome Princes aren’t what they used to be.” Willow looked down at the still kneeling Kennedy, “You better get up before you stick to the floor.”
Willow helped Kennedy to her feet.
“So did you kill all the dwarves?” Asked Willow.
“Yeah,” Answered Kennedy looking deeply into Willow’s eyes, “They didn’t put up much of a fight.”
“No they wouldn’t,” Replied Willow returning Kennedy’s gaze, “I’ve been slowly poisoning them for the last few days.”
Kennedy put down her sword and stepped closer to Willow, who did not step away.
“So you get half the kingdom and my hand in marriage?” Asked Willow losing herself in Kennedy’s eyes and putting down her knife.
“I was hoping to get more than just your hand.” Replied Kennedy stepping up to Willow and taking her in her arms.
“But we’re both girls!” Complained Willow.
“I’ve got a pierced tongue!” Said Kennedy and stuck out her tongue and wiggled her eyebrows up and down.
“Well that’s alright then!” Replied Willow as she melted into Kennedy’s arms.
After a night of passion the noise form which frightened off all the remaining wildlife around the cottage. The two young women ransacked the cottage for valuables and blew up the Crystal Meth mine. They then rode Primrose back to Willow’s stepmum’s castle. Where they found that Willow’s father had very recently died of a ‘drugs overdose’.
The two Princess’ were married in a very unusual ceremony (there being two brides but no groom), and crowned joint Queens of Anglia. This all under the watchful gaze of Elvera the Queenmother; and amid great cheering and heavy consumption of alcohol.
There after the castle was often kept awake at night by cries of:
“OH YEAH BABY! DO IT AGAIN! OH! YES! AAAGH! OOOH! GIVE IT TO ME BABY!”
So I think it is safe to say that the two Princess lived very happily ever after.
I think Johnny Cash sang ‘Ring of Fire’ originally and may even have written it. Either way I didn’t write it and anybody who says I did must have a screw loose!